unreasonably rational

Well, friends, I have good news. I'm taking online classes again. And do you know what that means? It means I'll be online more often, and looking for ways to procrastinate that aren't fully counter productive. For example, this post. I really have to write a brief essay in response to a question that I think can be thoroughly answered in one sentence. It is due in just under four hours, but since I can usually write a page an hour and this essay does not have a specified length (the usual length for papers in this class is between one and two pages), then I should be able to write it easily in two hours or less. Which would be easy enough once I get inspired. So how do you flesh out a single sentence answer? I seem to be quite capable of wordiness on my blog. I guess I like the sound of my own writing voice. But when I'm writing a paper to be graded, my perfectionism kicks in. Perfectionism applies a little bit to this blog; I'm still capable of obsessing over ...

My newest psychiatrist gave me an "as needed" medication for anxiety. But i have to be home (or not needing to drive for a while) for at least the first time i take this medication. So I'm not sure when I'll actually take it. I could use it right now, though. I'm getting work done on my car - I think it will be around $500. And it's not a safety issue yet. It's easier to decide safety issues than issues that just make your car have strange sounds. And then trying to decide how much to have done - front struts or all four? I'm settling for front struts, but in an ideal world, I'd get them all done. Of course in that ideal world, i would buy a younger car, so i guess i shouldn't worry so much. I'm not sure if writing out decisions could become a compulsion, because it makes me feel better to write it out. I don't think it's a compulsion (with the exception of reassurance- seeking), because I rarely write this stuff out. Therefore, w...

I don't like days when you are supposed to feel a certain way. Well, i somewhat like Christmas, because i made my own celebration, which i happen to like. But Easter, i mean, how could you not be happy remembering that Jesus rose from the dead. Well, that's easy; there are other things going on. Sorting out all sorts of thoughts, some happy some sad. And the weather; sometimes it's cloudy and dark here, then other times the sun shines. Tomorrow, i see a new psychiatrist. The last nurse practitioner, the latest med change is helping a lot. But the way she runs her practice, i can't just see her for med management; i have to see her for counseling, too. But i already have a counselor. So I'm trying this new (to me) psychiatrist. But then i try to figure out ahead of time how to condense all my mental illness experience and previous treatment into one hour; less than an hour once you take into account what he might say. Actually, i should relax a bit; psychiatrists...

I want to write a Facebook rant, but i think that probably wouldn't be wise. I am "friends" with too many people who might disagree with me, and I'm afraid one or two of them might make a hurtful comment, and I'm really not up for any of those. The blog seems a bit safer, because I'm pretty sure those people won't find my blog. And if someone i don't know has a hurtful comment? Well, it doesn't hurt so bad coming from a stranger. I want to talk about these "free government handouts" that are supposed to perpetuate "laziness." I really wonder if most of these criticizers are picturing actual humans with individual stories and complicating factors, or if they just picture a faceless blob of annoying people taking money out of their pockets. I want to put some faces into that blob. Which means mine, because it isn't very nice to sick up other people's faces onto a spot receiving so much stigma. I remember when i got food...

Well, the holidays are here! My dad likes to have everybody share new year's resolutions or goals for the new year and thanksgivings ( or how we did on last year's goals). And i dread it. So i thought i'd go ahead and get the sarcastic version out of the way and hope I'm feeling better when the real day comes. Thanksgivings: I'm thankful that I'm alive - no, wait, maybe not. I'm thankful for psych meds. I just wish the ones i take would work better. I'm truly thankful that the latest medication doesn't have me lying in bed afraid I'll throw up. There! Look at that! A real whole-hearted thanksgiving! Now if only psych med conversations weren't a bit on the taboo side. But that's why I'm writing here, so i can be free of such restrictions. Goals... "Stay alive" is the one my counselor mentioned when guessing what my goals might be. Well, i was kind of in more than a bad mood, so i wasn't sure i agreed even with that. Bu...

Well, i tried the new antidepressant and i felt sick. Like bad enough i didn't want to take it again and have to work the next day. So this week, just reminding myself that I'm currently free of those side effects is enough to make me a bit happier. But i called my psychiatrist-for-now. It took him over 48 hours to call back, but he did. And he was nice. Somehow, people surprising me by how nice and understanding they are can leave me feeling almost like crying. He said if he were me, he wouldn't want to try the medication again. (He also said that medication was my last great option - if it didn't work, we have other combinations to try, so not hopeless, but as "the last great option", it would make sense to try to put up with moderate side effects. I'm not sure how disturbed i should be by that comment, so i think I'll just chalk it down as an intriguing observation.) He basically said he would respect whatever choice i made, whether to try the med...

The lady who said it even knew that looks ( sounds) aren't always accurate. But apparently i "sound good." Probably because sleepiness and cheerful sarcasm make me sound much more stable than i feel. But inside, i could cry. Except that would be too much work and emotional work. I'm... So tired. I'm physically tired. And I'm fed up with this depression stuff. I'm at the point where i feel like I'm not okay (i.e. depressed) and that's the way it's going to stay until we find a good medication combination. Okay?! Which underplays the role of therapy (but i felt like my therapist was mostly just putting in time to get me through to feeling better and then we'll do more "real" therapy work). It even underplays the chances of spontaneous recovery, seeing as depression tends to get better on its o own at some point, even if only temporarily. I'm frustrated that the new psychiatrist i saw is the stereotypical psychiatrist, not in...