Sunday
Well, played guitar in church today. I only dreamt about it two nights since Wednesday when I agreed to play. And neither dream was a total disaster... Anxiety, how much you do for me. Glad that's over until I start working up to playing next Sunday, too. Two Sundays in a row. Probably good for dealing with the anxiety monster.
The pastor preached on Psalm 4 today, the second half of the (very short) chapter. It included dealing with upsetting emotions. He was good about saying that having the emotions themselves wasn't the problem, but then we have to deal with it. By stopping. A good old "be still" type verse is stuck in there, along with that vague "meditate" word (but not in my version; mine used other words for about the same meaning). The pastor's paraphrase of the meditating part was to address yourself, telling yourself to "be still" etc. Anyhow, by the end of the sermon and the chapter, he was hoping that people around us would see the peace in our lives as opposed to the distress, and that that would be a witness for God.
Personally, I'm still stuck with the physical emotions followed by talking to myself, followed by a slight calming, followed by more emotions. Basicly, I feel like I'm short-circuited from finishing the chapter like I would envision an "ideal" Christian doing.
But that's a fact in my life right now. A short circuit or something in my brain letting me deal with alarming false alarms that keep going off. Well, I like to think that peace in God doesn't have to be an emotion (or lack of emotion), but more of a sense (I guess that is almost an emotion, after all, isn't it?) of reliance on God. Because I can have such a sense vaguely in the back of my mind while I deal with some stupid mental illness thought that came to visit. Actually, maybe I just get that sense part time, but I trust it will come back. In short, there's a reason why it says we should have "faith" in God; because it isn't all always clear to us. Don't know why that almost comes as a surprise. But anyway, short circuit and all, I'm okay with myself for the moment.
Well, I think I'll go home soon and be lazy/relax. I got my table cleaned off last night, so that is much better!
Really, the whole weekend is better than last weekend. Last weekend was one of those when depressing thoughts were getting too close for comfort. I was still fine (translation: safe), but there were things I wasn't sharing widely. I wanted to have a church where I didn't need to hide my depression, but some thoughts just aren't shared quickly and calmly, followed by walking away to sit down for church. Anyway, this weekend, with the exception perhaps of this morning when the anxiety was launching one more attack before I went to church to play guitar, I've felt a lot better. Tired, but okay.
And feeling okay is SO, SO WONDERFUL compared to where I've been.
The pastor preached on Psalm 4 today, the second half of the (very short) chapter. It included dealing with upsetting emotions. He was good about saying that having the emotions themselves wasn't the problem, but then we have to deal with it. By stopping. A good old "be still" type verse is stuck in there, along with that vague "meditate" word (but not in my version; mine used other words for about the same meaning). The pastor's paraphrase of the meditating part was to address yourself, telling yourself to "be still" etc. Anyhow, by the end of the sermon and the chapter, he was hoping that people around us would see the peace in our lives as opposed to the distress, and that that would be a witness for God.
Personally, I'm still stuck with the physical emotions followed by talking to myself, followed by a slight calming, followed by more emotions. Basicly, I feel like I'm short-circuited from finishing the chapter like I would envision an "ideal" Christian doing.
But that's a fact in my life right now. A short circuit or something in my brain letting me deal with alarming false alarms that keep going off. Well, I like to think that peace in God doesn't have to be an emotion (or lack of emotion), but more of a sense (I guess that is almost an emotion, after all, isn't it?) of reliance on God. Because I can have such a sense vaguely in the back of my mind while I deal with some stupid mental illness thought that came to visit. Actually, maybe I just get that sense part time, but I trust it will come back. In short, there's a reason why it says we should have "faith" in God; because it isn't all always clear to us. Don't know why that almost comes as a surprise. But anyway, short circuit and all, I'm okay with myself for the moment.
Well, I think I'll go home soon and be lazy/relax. I got my table cleaned off last night, so that is much better!
Really, the whole weekend is better than last weekend. Last weekend was one of those when depressing thoughts were getting too close for comfort. I was still fine (translation: safe), but there were things I wasn't sharing widely. I wanted to have a church where I didn't need to hide my depression, but some thoughts just aren't shared quickly and calmly, followed by walking away to sit down for church. Anyway, this weekend, with the exception perhaps of this morning when the anxiety was launching one more attack before I went to church to play guitar, I've felt a lot better. Tired, but okay.
And feeling okay is SO, SO WONDERFUL compared to where I've been.
I'm glad you're better than you have been and that you were able to play the guitar in church :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteYou put it perfectly with feeling "short circuited" - talking to myself only makes the bad feelings stronger. Like I win for a minute, then they're back.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so happy you're feeling okay. :)
Thank you
DeleteI'm really glad that this weekend was better than last. I understand the anxiety related to playing in church. When I was in high school and college, I played teh piano for church sometimes and got so anxious. Good for you for doing it despite the anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI think my brain short circuits quite often. :-(
Thanks. I don't recall getting as anxious before playing for church earlier on. But I think some not-so-good experiences and my fight against anxiety has made it a bit harder.
DeleteWell, hello fellow worship team band member!! I did not know that you played the guitar. I think that is awesome!! And you know what, Abigail - there is NO ideal Christian. It's just us, trying to follow God as best we can, and Him loving us just as we are. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you said it so much that I've read it a few times over! "there is NO ideal Christian. It's just us, trying to follow God as best we can..." An "us" from one person to another struggling with mental illness (and all the other "us"es with or without mental illness). That I'm a part of "us." I forget that. Thanks.
Delete: )
Delete