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Yes, I drove to the library because I wanted to write on my blog. Nobody reads my journal and it is less lonely to write on my blog. Church. I grew up in church. I'm the daughter of a former church leader. I know how to go to Sunday school and the morning service. I know how to find verses with a concordance. And so on and so forth. So then I sit this morning listening, and I heard how people need God and try to meet that need other ways and end up in trouble. And I sat there knowing that I did have this relationship with God and still I was in trouble. I'm not saying I don't want this relationship. It's very important and I'm very excited for heaven. I just want help even though I already have this relationship with God. So then I feel like a selfish person wanting to hog people's attention (in church instead of just by blogging instead of journaling). I guess I'm missinterpreting again. Seems I'm good at that. In reality,... let's try and apply som...
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Change

In some ways, my life has been consistent for the past three years. A good job, Princess the guinea pig. Okay, so the other guinea pig died, I changed churches, but I'm still in the same apartment, and it is still a mess. I still see the same counselor, except not this week. So it is really a jumble of new and old. But the newest change is leaving my job. I can't tell you how sad it makes me. I stay up late at night, then am exhausted at my job the next day. I love the people I work with, and I have been doing this sort of work for nearly ten years. Also, I'm the one making this decision; no one is making me do it. Now that I finally have my teaching certification coming, I want a job that requires it, or to sub for a job that requires it, so that I gain experience to gain a "certificated" position. I guess I would rather be the cause of a change, even if it leaves me asking myself, "What am I doing? Why am I bringing this uncertain change on myself!?...
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Sunday

Well, played guitar in church today. I only dreamt about it two nights since Wednesday when I agreed to play. And neither dream was a total disaster... Anxiety, how much you do for me. Glad that's over until I start working up to playing next Sunday, too. Two Sundays in a row. Probably good for dealing with the anxiety monster. The pastor preached on Psalm 4 today, the second half of the (very short) chapter. It included dealing with upsetting emotions. He was good about saying that having the emotions themselves wasn't the problem, but then we have to deal with it. By stopping. A good old "be still" type verse is stuck in there, along with that vague "meditate" word (but not in my version; mine used other words for about the same meaning). The pastor's paraphrase of the meditating part was to address yourself, telling yourself to "be still" etc. Anyhow, by the end of the sermon and the chapter, he was hoping that people around us would see t...
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