unreasonably rational

Well, it is late and my brain isn't working superbly, but I'll go ahead and try to write anyway. Because I want to. Recently, for whatever reasons, probably including being sick and cloudy weather, I had an anxiety and depression flare-up. It is dying down now. And it is a relief to see that. There are still extra sparks, like right now, my staying up this late (although it is a Friday night, so that isn't so far off). Or my having trouble getting myself to eat supper (put it off too long, so it got harder). But there are also signs of returning to normal. My house is slowly getting cleaner. I've almost inspired myself to clean my guinea pig's cage. I actually spent 23 minutes exercising at the gym yesterday. And then there are the tools that are out because I needed them again. My lists of "5 good things" that I sometimes write every day. My mental health blog. Seeing my counselor this week. And there are the reminders; I had wanted to see my coun...

I saw the new Doctor. My opinion has been put on hold while I do some checking. She recommended - very strongly - a test. I agreed, then waffled, then agreed... And did a lot of research. I like to know my facts. Which, of course, boil down to probabilities, not black and white, if you want to be really, really precise. Which, of course, I do. So finally, I decided to take the test because I didn't think there was any other way to shut my brain up. (Best reason ever for Exposure Therapy, by the way.) But even that decision had to be checked. Do I feel good about it? Yes. Good. Now, let's check again. Do I still feel good about this decision? Yes? Ah, very good. Set up appointment. Did I feel relieved? Yes. Good. Do I still feel relieved? Yes. How wonderful. Do I still feel good about it (the decision, I mean)? Yes. But if I keep asking myself, chances are I will at some point answer that I'm not feeling so good about it. And I'm big on knowing facts like pro...

I've wondered what the psych doctor at the hospital wrote in my charts. But I've never actually gone to read them. Until today, when I was looking through my previous primary care provider's file for me (they gave me an electronic copy so that I could pass it on to my next primary care provider, and said I could make myself a copy...). This would only be the summary. And it was interesting. And it supported my suspician. My first psychiatrist seemed to have preconceived notions about me. He also seemed to view me out of his particular lens. A lens that said my problems were largely just coping skills. That I had very deficient coping skills and was struggling to live on my own after living at home. And that I had borderline traits. He seemed a bit stuck on that due to my having a relative that he treated who had borderline personality disorder. And then there is me from that time. The agreeable me. If a counselor said, you might be having trouble living on your own; it ...