Friday, October 29, 2010

self-fulfilling prophecies

I've thought of something else to worry about; self-fulfilling prophecies. I'm worried that my medication will affect me negatively. Maybe that is a self-fulfilling worry. I'm worried that I won't be able to work full time. What a great thought to self-fulfill (YES I'm being sarcastic.)

It seems like a most important skill is that of not overvaluing thoughts.

I recently realized (thank God) that I'd thought myself into a dark corner, but I'd done this before and gotten out again. That was enough to get me out of the dark corner. Dark corner type thoughts don't just disappear, though. The anxiety builds and another pops into my head, but it's just a dark corner thought, so for the moment I keep going with life. As in, so I might get really anxious, but the depression isn't winning.

Basically, most of life becomes a pseudolifeanddeath question. I'm asking a question of a college and "about to die" - I love OCD or whatever brings me these thoughts (not). Logically, how is asking a question of a college admissions person so dangerous? I don't know. I know I won't actually die. I'd like to take a class next semester, but am not sure how to pay for it. And I'm running late. Oh, well. I suspect I will delay classes until the summer.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sunday

I think one of my medications said it could make your vision worse. Maybe two or three of them. That must be what is happening to me (since pure lack of sleep must certainly not be related at all) (nor would eyestrain from computer and television use).

It's SO exciting to feel like my appetite is getting better! And I actually started reading a long fiction book that wasn't just james harriot (not meaning his writing isn't excellent, but it can be enjoyed a chapter at a time like a bunch of short stories, thus it does not represent the same increase in non-depressed symptoms). And my brain sleeping at night! So my mouth was dry and I kept waking up because of that, but that's much different that being awake because my brain won't stop thinking.

Good days present their own challenge. Like I start thinking the next down turn is just about here (that probably could be a self-fulfilling prophecy). So it's just a thought. Maybe if I remember that it will help.

And I'm better at calling friends when I'm desperate, but I'm not desperate today, so I don't feel as justified in calling a friend. But technically it would be better to interact with friends when I am just slightly down instead of waiting until I'm considering going back to the hospital. :) Which I'm not considering right now. That was last week. I don't like that I need other people, yet I'm glad not to be alone. You'd think I was human or something.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

One thing I find amusing is to listen to people talk about OCD in front of me completely oblivious to the fact that I have it. Like last night. So in their favor, they all spoke pretty respectfully about hoarding OCD last night, so I wasn't much annoyed and was mostly amused. But not quite bold enough to say, "I don't have hoarding OCD particularly, but I do have OCD and anxiety and depression and one or the other or all or two of them landed me in the hospital for five days and also in the ER last Sunday (who knew physically shaking could just be anxiety instead of some horrible reaction to medication)." Actually, I'd have risked interupting someone to interject that I had OCD, and interupting might possibly be construed as a sin and I have scrupulosity issues, not to mention that I often refrain from admitting to my OCD with people who think I don't have it. And I feel like a spy and smile on the inside as I listen to people talk about "my" mental disorder without knowing I have it. So now they might read this and discover that they unintentionally amused me and maybe they would feel like I had cheated them by not telling that I have OCD. And yes, I am aware that when I put many maybes in a sentence that my OCD is probably (maybe) having fun.

I think my currentest OCD worry would be about medication... I just changed dosage on one of them. I'm not sure if I can trust my brain to be okay. Because the anxiety medication I took earlier in the week, well, I just don't remember everything clearly from then, so maybe this medication is messing with my memory, too. Probably I should just stay home in my safe little room with my guinnea pig who is scared of me and my familiar belongings and away from the world where I might mess up. Okay, what shall we blame this on? OCD? Maybe. Anxiety? Maybe. Depression? Maybe not. I'm not sure where the depression went. It's being confusing. It might still be here; it might not. We don't know. Medication is obviously very dangerous. I mean, I actually want to eat (candy of all things!) sometimes now. (And haven't gained weight and besides, the psychiatrist told me not to worry about my weight until I'm 34 - not his exact words.) And jelly beans are really good. But I did get a stomach ache eventually, and then I stopped eating them. And I think my brain is still going fast. Maybe I should... um... I don't know... um... stop worrying about the medication I took last night. :) This is when I think to myself something like, Movie time! (dvds at home - movie theaters are expensive and scarey and last time I was in one I got a migraine). Or Word Search time. That is my new hobby. It slows my brain down and/or distracts it or something.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

superpowers

So, yeah, when it is so hard to start my day in the morning, I like to pretend I'm superwoman with superpowers. Only my super powers are things like the ability to get up in the morning and the ability to take a shower, and the ability to keep going, and the ability to... whatever. The stupid stuff normal life is made of. Or the not-so-stupid enduring whatever my brain is doing and keeping going with life while I wait for the "right" medication. Doctors changed the one I take before bed. Supposed to help me sleep and with the obsessive depressive thoughts. Okay, so I didn't actually sleep the whole night through, but I was more relaxed. I think that counts as improvement. And now today I am sleepy. The moral of the story is, if I'm in my zomby/sleepy depressed mood then I want to be awake etc., but if I'm in my anxious/energetic depressed mood then I wish I was back in the zomby just-let-me-sleep-and-sleep-and-sleep mood (and dispite the mood, my ability to actually sleep is limmited to a 7 - 9 hr night, or maybe 10).

Good things. The sun is shining (it is a traitor to my mood, but I guess we can be thankful anyway). I went on a hike this morning, so I don't have to excersize until tomorrow. I like word searches. Enough that I keep the book in my purse. Okay, so that sounds a bit compulsive. Lest my thoughts overwhelm me, I keep a word search book nearbye to help my brain relax. No, we'll call that smart planning, not a compulsion. :)

This weekend I'm trying to give my superpowers a break (without staying in bed all weekend). The superpowers where giving out and I think I'll need them Monday to get to work. But I'm still moving. On the hike this morning, at the end, I would pick a spot on the road, walk to it, commend myself for the success, and pick another spot. That's kind of like life now. Each hour is a success in itself. If I look at it that way, I can keep rejoicing and commending myself.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Today, the frustration grew enough that I called the doctor, and the doctor said, No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Not. Not the monkey part that is. Medication dosage change and a few days to feel better without paying for another office visit. Aw, that's nice. And the nurse said, he said it would be appropriate for you to go home from work today. Grrrrr. I mean, so I was a little absentminded at work. And felt almost shakey. And in a place that I don't care to stay emotionally, but really, that's enough to go home from work? Ah, learning to rest. What a job. So I spent some time with friends. Which really helped. So now I'm hoping to work tomorrow and to be feeling better in a few days.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The depression seems to be staying less, but the anxiety plays games. I spent the later part of the work week sick, and am now starting to get out again. Yay for anxiety. I'll get the wrong birthday present for the party this afternoon (I already got it, but I didn't spend the perfect amount of money on it). I'll be late. I'll have too much time at home. I wont be able to eat. I need to eat or I wont feel better. If I eat, the stomach flu will come back. I'm gonna die. Why? I'm not sure. Not because of the stomach flu - I survived that.

Okay, sometimes it seems to help just to write out my chain of (somewhat contradictory) concerns.

Now I can write my blog post more peacefully.

maybe I'll write it wrong. I'll say too much. I wont say what I want to say. I spent too much money at the book store getting myself a DVD. I'm gonna die. I... need to return the movies I rented. I need to get home in time to get ready for the birthday party. Maybe if someone sees me today they will be offended that I canceled our trip this morning because of being sick (okay, the trip just seemed like TOO much, so hopefully we can go next week or something).

Now, what do I have to write? Medication. Perhaps we can blame my lack of depression (or of as moderate-severe) to the medication. Perhaps we can say that the medication helped me get through a sermon and actually think the pastor did a good job instead of thinking he was sneaky person getting ready to destroy a church. I know; my fears are so kind. Perhaps the medication helps me see the world (and the pastor) a little more accurately. Sweat. But it doesn't instantly remove the anxiety or make me want to get up every morning. I'm trying to understand that I'm improving but still struggling. It's such a confusing concept.

Oh, well, my gift WAS the perfect gift - just not the perfect price. Okay, well a pretty good gift. I guess that makes it grey, neither black nor white. Good; grey is where I'm trying to live. Bad, that might make me anxious.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

So the depression is finally giving me a break for a few days. This way I actually care more about things, and if I care, it's easier to get anxious. Oh, what fun.

But anyways! I got new glasses and can see better. That's SO nice. Even though the change in prescription wasn't that much.

I turned in my scariest paperwork for the moment - or for last moment, now I have more that could be done that is scarey. But I think it is a little bit less scarey, but still scarey enough that I might choose to fill it out with a friend around. I finished the first scarey paperwork by doing part of it with the lady who gave it to me, procrastinating until the week it was due, finishing almost all of it in my counselor's office, and finally calling a friend and talking until I was ready to complete the last part at home. But I DID it! I'm choosing to call (most of) the time w/other people as support. Okay, so some reassurance was gained, but I still had to do it and did it. One doctor told me it was okay to borrow my counselor's brain because mine can tend to race off into some unhelpful place. Reassurance and support are close, but support is a good thing. And really, I had to get the paperwork done! We can do more ERP later.

And...