Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I'm in another day-at-a-time stage. Each day, I make it through that day. Tomorrow I get to see my therapist again. Excited for that. Next week I get to see Mr. Psychiatrist again. Excited for that, also. I guess that kind of implies I'm not completely in the day-at-a-time stage.

My thoughts wonder what's really going on in my brain. Do I think thoughts because I am depressed, or should I be controlling those thoughts, in which case, I hopefully wouldn't be depressed. Because Psychiatrist the first told me my thoughts were a bad habit, not merely a symptom of depression. (See, I can leave a Psychiatrist and/or a therapist, but that doesn't mean I forget what they said.) Let's worry about this for a good long while (just kidding). Okay, so what else should I think about?

How I'm not doing so well in my 3 credit class? How I'm a bit worried about that? How I'm not working tomorrow morning, so I'm afraid my depression will grow even more. How...

Let's thing. What other options are there? I could look up something for the 3 credit class (am doing that right now). I could do the most fun part of one of my assignments for the same 3 credit class (waiting about half an hour for that). Read a non-OCD blog (imagine that! what an idea). (Don't worry, I already checked OCD blogs.) Listen to music on the radio while I drive home. Clean my guinnea pig's cage. No, I don't want to do that, but maybe I should. Research side effects for a medication that is not for my brain that I don't like and stopped taking yesterday (nasal spray for my non-allergies). Yes, I remember that research can be dangerous for someone with ocd, but it's fine for my depression, as long as I research the right thing. Okay, read up on most of my medications' side effects. Not particularly disturbed. Now for going on with today's tasks...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Twas the day after Easter

Twas the day after Easter, and all over town,
The people were praying that sunshine be found.
The rain, it was falling, the gutters were full,
The people walked slowly, their faces were dull.

All mammals but people lay snug in their beds,
While visions of sleep danced in most people's heads.
And the Easter bunny hopped down in it's hole
"I didn't expect this to be the North Pole!"

The children were anxious, they wanted to play,
But because of the mud, they were stuck in all day.
Oh, the teachers and parents, they let out a sigh.
Rainy April to all, and may winter please, please fly (away).

Thanks to Clement Clarke Moore for inspiring me almost two hundred years ago. And yes, his version was much happier. But I am happier also after writing another Christmas/Easter, rainy/complainy song. So there.

It's raining

It's raining. And cold. And the end of April. Poor me. Boohoo. Etc.

Actually, I want to sleep. I feel so tired! And I already took my cat nap, so I should probably stay awake. Still have jazz dance class tonight (but the semester's almost over!). May I get through it without feeling lightheaded and especially without my head buzzing. Actually, I think there's some rebellious part of me that WANTS me to feel bad and WANTS me to need to change medications and WANTS me to be bad enough to take a break from the four or five hours I work four days a week. REALLY?!?

Maybe it's just because I want to feel better than this. But what if this is normal? What of all mentally healthy people feel this way alot, too?

So my angry mind turns against itself. Intentional mental torture (that isn't even Exposure Response Prevention). Oh, well. I can watch a movie or read a book to shut my brain up, eat supper, go to my class, get all hot and overheated, get a migraine, possibly get lightheaded and have my head buzz, too, and go home and despaire over the thought of making myself take a shower, skip the shower, and go to bed. Ahhh, sleep, how I long for you.

Okay, messaging in Spanish perks me up (it challenges my brain, but it's not for college). Don't be too impressed; they are simple sentences with a potential misspellings (not to mention verb forms). And now my friend is offline. Last I saw him, he was a little kid. Why do people change without me? (Okay, so staying the same for four years really wouldn't be good, either, I just... miss him.) Oh, and I actually got the wrong word, not just a misspelling. But not as bad as the time I mixed up boyfriend and snow. :)

Today was a rough day at work. By lunch time I was fried, then ended up not doing the ideal job serving lunch. Somehow, I need to save part of my brain for getting lunch served the right way! (But really, why did my brain loose it in three hours? Oh, okay, so even a normal person might be frustrated after dealing with 6 to 8 eighteen to thirty month olds at once by themselves. And they weren't on their model behavior - neither was I.) Oh, well. I can try again tomorrow. But really, by lunch, I'm heavily depending on autopilot. I guess I should just reprogram the autopilot lunch service. And make my mouth open and close asking people for help. I am SO bad at telling people how they can help me.

So back to my pity party, it looks like I'm complaining again. Not me? I wouldn't do that, would I? Oh, I think it's a sin. Hmmm, what should I do now? Etc. Happy cold rainy Monday (or happy pity party - may you get some enjoyment out of it. I did.).

Friday, April 22, 2011

hope, snow, and sarcastic comments

For my college class, I was supposed to make an observation at least 15 minutes long. I made one...13 minutes long! I'm so annoyed! I think I'll have to re-do it. So then I told myself I could go to the library for fun.

I'm not ready to give up all hope of working 40 hour weeks and going overseas for extended periods of time. I hope I won't have to. I'm still young; surely I can beat the ocd and it's good friend depression (and the randomly labeled, i'm not sure which labels are official, anxiety issues that don't count as ocd). But there aren't any guarentees. Some people may gain most of their abilities back. Some may sssllllowwwly rebuild. Some might never again work 40 hour weeks. And that is okay. I can kind of understand - expecially while I remain unable to work a 40 hour week. But I'm not going to give up, because for me in my situation at my age with my problems, I think I might be able to go back to 40 hour work weeks and even travel to a place where they spoke a different language. Eventually.

And now, for my currant trap. Future plans/goals/etc would probably help against my depression. However, depression makes it harder to settle on future plans/goals/etc. When you live life one day at a time (as in, thinking of being alive for years is depressing, but I can handle today), it seems harder to pick goals/uncover my "dreams".

But that's okay. Since, after all, my current goal in life is to get through the weekend without any major mishaps. I can probably do that without picking what kind of a bachelor's degree I want (or if I want one at all). In fact, I might be able to put together a 500 piece puzzle, excersize, clean my room and my guinnea pig's cage (one time this week, he filled his food bowl with wood chips. What was he trying to do?). I might survive Easter (it's a holiday. Those get complicated). Oh, wait, positive expectations. I'll get through Easter okay (let's not aim for outer space by hoping for a wonderful day). Okay, I still do hope for wonderful days. I hope for a time when I actually want to live instead of putting up with living. Times when I'm content being a human on this earth. Times when my life doesn't feel awful. Times when the light outweighs the dark.

And if it snows on Easter, I will enjoy making sarcastic comments about it. ("I'm having nightmares of a white Easter. Just like the one that came last year. When the children find eggs in the sno--ow. And the wind is icey that doth blow.") (Well, at least it rhymes.)

Actually, I'm hoping the snow stops before June. Yes, indeed, snow in June, well it might be exciting to write about and make sarcastic comments about, so maybe that would be okay. Snow on the fourth of July would be interesting - wearing a winter coat on the fourth of July is not particularly unusual - at least not early or late in the day. Snow on my birthday would be irritating! Like really annoyed and laughing at the same time because it's just so funny. Snow in August? I mean not on top of mountains but down here. That doesn't sound good. August is when we get ready for fire season. Spring snow creates fire danger by letting things grow, but August precipitation might just keep things green enough to slow down a fire season. Which would be good, because burned land is exciting and scarey and sad. But August snow really doesn't sound good. September snow would be angrifying. October snow would be disturbing (the approach of winter disturbs me). Lack of snow in November would be enjoyable. Lack of snow for most of December, January, February, March, and April would be nice. And here we are in April, happy that the roads aren't icey and that most of the snow melts withing twenty four hours.

I think I'm supposed to eat food and start excersizing, all in less than an hour (and the computer is getting slow. Maybe it thinks I have typed enough already, especially since none of it was school work).

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Yellow light

My depressive/obsessive thoughts have returned; they didn't disappear on Monday. But they are still not too intense. Just approaching a yellow light situation, not yet to red but not still in green.

And then, my sister asked me a question Sunday night that I don't know how to answer. I miss this place where I worked for two school years. I've been back in my 'home' State for the last four school years. But that doesn't stop my missing it. I tried to go back, but it didn't work out last year. If my depression and ocd and anxiety stablized, maybe I could look into going back to that school to work again. Then my sister says, well, maybe part of the depression is because of this unanswered question about that school/place. But it's hard to answer while my depression etc. is still going like it is. It feels like a trap. Like if the cars lined up going one way are stopped waiting for the front car to be able to turn accross traffic, but the cars going the otherway are also stopped, waiting for the front car to turn accross traffic. And neither car can turn because of the cars lined up on the other side of the road. I've thought about that several times, but it hasn't yet - quite - happened in my experience. But what if? I'm so good at asking that question, why not ask it about that, too.

But I don't have an answer about my future. I don't know what I should be doing 4 months from now or two years or four years. I do have a goal; to get more mentally stable. But what I want my bachelor's degree to be in (or if I'll pursue a bachelor' degree in the near future), these are questions I haven't settled on an answer for. I can't be frozen now because of something I maybe should or maybe shouldn't do in the future. I've got to live now. Maybe that's called mindfulness or something like that. :) I can think of handling today much easier than the-rest-of-my-life.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'll be okay

The problem with having some great days is that when the next set of bad days comes, I'm nolonger as used to dealing with my depressive/obsessive thoughts. It's one thing to have them reliably for months. It's another to have 5 good days and think I'm passed that and then have it come back. I kind of knew it probably would, but I was hoping. Hoping that miraculously the medications and therapy have kicked in enough that I became a normal person again. Dreams. Of being healthy enough that I didn't need to go to the support group and could meet with peers from church instead. Of not having to go to the psychiatrist so often. Of being able to work afternoons and not just mornings. Of having the depressive/obsessive thoughts disappear. They were getting less; why not hope? And the good time lasted four and a half days! That's pretty long for me. But now that I start slipping back, I'm afraid of how strong the depressive/obsessive thoughts will get. I've had good days between my aweful days. At least I think I have had them. Now, here's for hoping that this is just weekend blues and Monday I'll recover. Sometimes its hard to work up those positive expectations. What if I'm let down again? But just like I tell a crying two-year-old, "you'll be okay," I must tell myself the same thing. It might be a lie, but it's worth the risk to have those words spoken. I'll be okay.

Friday, April 15, 2011

library fine

I have a library fine. A really late book. And I didn't know it. Now I'm the kind of horrible person that gets $7.99 fines. News like that reverses my good mood. Suddenly the icky feeling about myself comes back. Suddenly, life is just too hard. But then, in an hour or so (or when I bring said book back), I should feel better again. I've been doing really good on rebeling against OCD. It's threats weren't as unbearable. I think the SSRI might be working. And/or therapy, and/or I just naturally improved. Of course, getting my income tax return and paying off my credit card probably has a good bit to do with my good mood. So nice when I don't have that debt in addition to the hospital bill that the county paid off that I need to repay to the county. So now, I don't have a negative number of dollars (except for said hospital bill), and I want to spend money! Flip-flops, two pairs for Sundays (they are nice and were on sale), and then I was having trouble deciding between two cheap pairs for fun/during the week/when I wasn't dressed up. So I impulsively bought them both (now how's that for an answer to bug my fear of getting the wrong thing plus fear of spending too much money). So now, because I did that, I might go hungry in June. Doubtful, but just as possible as it is for a person to look exactly like an arrow sign painted on the road. Let's apply our best fight or flight responce and flee from the store (oh, no, I couldn't do that, because I still hadn't decided what to buy, and rushing a decision like that just wouldn't be okay). Funny how I can go, in the same therapy session, from, "I'm doing so much better with OCD," to, I don't even want to look at you (therapist) when I barely get the words out describing obsession #472. Of course, obsession #472 isn't one of my main obsessions. It's a new form of one, not one that gets me so often (right now). And so progress and regression meet yet again. But it only took me 24 minutes to more or less forget how bad a person I am for not returning said library book. (OK, I know, it really isn't that bad to be late returning a library book.)

Saturday, April 9, 2011


I am sick. I tried to blame it on anemia, not-allergies, and imagination and anxiety, but at the end of the week, my throat really does hurt (and I don't think that's listed in symptoms of anemia). And I'm really tired. And my depression decided to quite giving me a break just because the inside of my head sometimes feels like it's spinning (and it buzzes while it does that, sometimes). For a bit, the whole waves of lightheadedness and buzzing thing distracted my depression and shut it up. Worrying about anemia and giving blood for tests three times in two weeks helped distract me, too. But far be it from my depression to leave for too long. Come medication, puzzles, movies, health issues, and sleep, my depression will come back to great me. Or is it an OCD obsession? I don't know and I don't really care, I just want it to SHUT UP. I want to be okay with living, even if I have to live another sixty or eighty years. Happy with the idea would be great. I want to be a little more like people my age and lament the fact that I don't have a boyfriend (instead I am relieved and uninterested; that would sure complicate my depression/obsession). And I want to be healthy. I want to go for months without getting a cold or a flu or a misterious illness. And definately without the lightheaded/buzzing/scarey sensation. My doctor blamed said sensation on my anemia. Sure, maybe. But what if it is a problem with my left inner ear? I've studied just enough about it to be concerned. And I haven't even done an internet research recently. My left ear rings. There is a fancy word for that. But I'd need to check the word on the internet. Basically, I spend most of my time intentionally not noticing when one or both of my ears is ringing lest it begin to drive me crazy. So far, this has worked. Please do not alert my OCD, because I know it could have fun with that. Today I moved really slowly. Slept later than I usually sleep on a Saturday (without seeing the clock, giving in, and going back to sleep). I finally put on day clothes and left the house after three. Maybe I'm spreading my germs. From my sore throat. Which we don't know it's cause. Maybe it's strep. But I doubt it, because I don't tend to get strep. But I felt afraid of the buzzing, spinning head sensation. When will it come today? It seems I can delay it by avoiding stress and by having eaten red meat the night before. That might put it off until really late tonight. But I'm worried about it, so it might come sooner. Yes, it might be really close. I should breath relaxing breaths and hurry home, so that my lightheadedness only takes place in my appartment. Will I go to church tomorrow? And spread germs of unknown category? And ask for prayer that the doctor would figure out why my red blood cells are deserting me too early, without the Dr. having to order any more tests? I have mixed feelings about my hopes. My depression's feelings aren't so mixed at all. I'm doing a puzzle again. 504 pieces. From the dollar store. I'm getting close to the end, but I was a little bit stuck when I left my puzzle to take a nap before I left to go to the library.

college conversation

A college admissions counselor (or something like that) talked to me yesterday. I hope he was as amused as I was. Really, maybe I shouldn't have agreed to talk to him. Because I have the wrong answers. "Why do you want to get a bachelor's degree?" "I don't know." "It looks like you'll have to decide soon." "Uh, no. I've had my AA for two years." "Then what have you been doing?" (In addition to working? I already told you about those one-year-olds I care for.) "I did a semester with this college, a class from another Christian college, and two semesters, two classes, with this other college." (And I never did figure out how I wanted to say that I was working on getting through depression, and that took alot of my time and energy. So he is still oblivious, probably to his relief.) "Oh, this college does competency based accreditation. That can be hard." "Uh, yeah, I know. I did well. I got 22 credits in 6 months." (and I forgot to tell him I took a month or two off in the middle.) "Those credits might not transfer." (You think I don't know that? You think I care enough to change what I'm doing?) I admitted I was considering Speech Language Pathology. "You'll probably have to do that at a local college." "Utah State University has a Communication Disorders program online." And we even got into debating whether most SLPs needed a Master's degree to get certified in most states or not. Which wasn't fair to him because I've researched this, and I don't think he has. So if you ever call me to try to get me to go to your college, don't make claims you aren't sure of (i.e. researched for at least three hours over several months, recently), and if you do, don't adjust your claim part way through based on what I tell you. Admitting you don't know much about something your college doesn't offer is okay, actually a good thing. And now you know another of my vices. Me and conversations about college.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I'm hungry. That's a good thing. A very good thing. Yesterday, after not eating for thirteen hours so they could get their blood sample from me to do tests I can't remember, I got kind of sick. The new, lightheaded thing. But I had a special variation last night; a buzzing sound/feeling would leap through my head, sometimes a few times in a row, and then leave. But it sometimes (but not always) threw my vision off a bit, too. A bit of a spinning world thing. And I could have that sensation while lying down; it wasn't limmited to when I stood up. But thank God, today the lightheaded, spinning headed, thing went away long enough for work. There was a moment when I determined that I should eat lest the lightheaded thing return. And now I shouldn't wait too long before my lunch or I might end up missing my class tonight... My boss spoke brilliantly to me today. She said that the longer I didn't hear from the doctor, the better the news was, because if it was really bad, they would call sooner. I two-thirds believe her. But even by that, I've got another day before I can determine a better or worse outcome. But really, my concerns are more focused on not getting spinning-head/lightheaded issues so that I can safely drive to my class tonight and counseling tomorrow. And for that, I should avoid worrying and not avoid food. (But what on earth will I do between working and eating and my class? Another movie? How many of those am I going to watch? What if they start getting too boring or too expensive? And so on and so forth. Have a good lunch/supper and may your head feel stable and fully supplied with oxygen.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

a little problem

The allergy specialist didn't find any allergies, but did notice mild anemia. I wasn't surprised; I've had iron supplements before, including when I was a kid. I didn't even want to follow up with my regular doctor. But Mr. Psychiatrist said it was important, so I did. And guess what; this time it's more than low iron. This time he found that my red blood cells aren't living long enough, silly things. But its still just mild anemia. And he was going to check if any of my medications could be responsible for that. (And put me on iron supplements; boring and easy.) I just looked online and guess what; any one of the three psychiatric medications I'm taking could potentially give me anemia (in very rare circumstances). And here I thought the medications were working out. Oh, and researching online, I can blame any residual congestion from my colds/flus/ear infections/non-allergies on one or the other medication - I forget which one(s). Oh, and even after I stop taking one of my medications, I could start twitching and it could never go away. Wow, what an encouragement. That's why I don't usually reread the side effects for my medications. Anyhow, over all my research was comforting as it provides a reason for my blood cells abandoning me that doesn't mean anything dangerous. But really, I wasn't expecting this. Rats. Now more doctor visits/tests/great. And why, since I don't have enough red blood cells, do they have to keep taking more of them away from me for tests? And thus far, I have not noticed increased energy related to iron supplements. Maybe because I've been getting over a flu/infection at the same time. Or maybe it's because solving my anemia really wont make much of a difference in how I feel.