Tuesday, August 31, 2010

irony

Wanting to write. I guess that's a good thing. :)

Shall I write of the irony of medication?

First, I suspect I am not abnormal in not going in to get medication until I was feeling like I couldn't handle it without medication. It being depression and/or anxiety and/or OCD. I came to this conclusion in part based on the fact that I was having trouble eating and sleeping. That is in itself depressing. So I get the medication, but I'm afraid of it, thanks at least in part to the OCD. So I took it, but worried about side-effects etc (and just plain dying because I took the medication. My OCD likes the simple "If _____, then I will die" formula. It can be used for any situation). So the first irony of medication for OCD is that we don't get them until we need them but it takes a couple weeks for them to start working. The second is that my OCD was afraid of taking medication and the medication wouldn't help that until a few weeks after I started taking medication. Then is the lousy fact that the first medication tried may or may not work since they don't all work for all people.

Well, the first medication helped me sleep for a bit, but then the drousiness wore off and i'm back to having trouble sleeping. Which reminds me of another irony. Medication can make you drousy or it can agitate you/keep you awake. I'm pretty sure it can do both at once. For instance, take my second medication. This one started because of the migrains I started getting once the Dr. upped the dose of the first medication to a more potentially useful level. I was excited to take it last night because I hoped it would help me sleep. (Okay, yes, I was scared to take it, too. After all, "If I take medication, then something terrible might happen.") (Note that if the OCD overuses the "gonna die" threat it might become less effective. The more vague danger signal can work well, too.) Anyway, I slept, but not well. And today I was extra tired. The upside is that I haven't gotten a migraine today. I've gone a day and a half without a killer headache! It seems that I'd prefer being sleepy 24 hours a day to having a really bad headache for a few hours a day.

I started painting my doll house. Actually, I'm almost finished. It is part of my anti-depression drive. As in, I'm trying to have a hobby that will distract me and help me enjoy life. The painting is working well. Not sure if making furnature will work as well. We'll see. I can stop whenever I want to, which will probably be after I finish painting it if not later. Because I like to paint. Rooms, doll house, pictures. Painting can be so satisfying. And so I try to find meaning as I engage in a relatively meaningless activity, which is made meaningful as it is used to improve my life. I'd see it as meaningful if a student of mine did it, so I should see it as such for me as well. Happy Tuesday.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I cleaned the bathroom. Well, really just part of it; I skipped some in the interest of saving time for the moment and being lazy for the moment. But as I cleaned, my brain had this rhythm going on. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." Interspersed with the counselor recommended, "Maybe yes, maybe no." This, she said, at least gave two possibilities instead of just the one extreme and unlikely fear. How exactly I progressed from fear of contaminating others to my death I'm not sure. I was going to get a fatal disease, pass it on, and then die. Despite the probability of that occuring being relatively close to 0. Maybe even zero, but then again, I can't be too sure about that.

Other than that, I've taken up a great interest in Sudoku. And I'm pretty good at word searches. I skip the cross-word puzzles. Having a good vocabulary does not equal cross-word puzzling skill.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Yes, I drove to the library because I wanted to write on my blog. Nobody reads my journal and it is less lonely to write on my blog.

Church. I grew up in church. I'm the daughter of a former church leader. I know how to go to Sunday school and the morning service. I know how to find verses with a concordance. And so on and so forth. So then I sit this morning listening, and I heard how people need God and try to meet that need other ways and end up in trouble. And I sat there knowing that I did have this relationship with God and still I was in trouble. I'm not saying I don't want this relationship. It's very important and I'm very excited for heaven. I just want help even though I already have this relationship with God. So then I feel like a selfish person wanting to hog people's attention (in church instead of just by blogging instead of journaling). I guess I'm missinterpreting again. Seems I'm good at that. In reality,... let's try and apply some cognative theoropy type lessons... Um, REALLY the speaker wasn't saying that life has no troubles once a person becomes a Christian. Really, my conclusion that the speaker would think my anxiety and depression and OCD was really just because I wasn't a good enough Christian, that conclusion wasn't fairly reached. Really, I shouldn't assume he'd think that. I don't... I don't know quite what I think, but I think it's fine to get help, and I think people's brains can have problems of more physical and less spiritual nature. And wow, if I have to be "good enough" to get rid of OCD and anxiety and depression on my own, it's just not going to work. And I'm already "good enough" in God's eyes through Jesus Christ, so really, I don't need to worry about it.

Then there was my moment yesterday when I was at the store and started to panic at the thought of buying something besides raisin bran for my morning cereal. Like really? That much of a reaction? What's wrong with me? But then I read the second comment on my last post (read it today) and suddenly understand more clearly that even my getting upset over the problem can be part of the problem. So really, I kguess I shouldn't get so upset over being upset. It's just another mood or feeling or whatever. And later, I'll turn on a dvd or read a book and save myself from my thoughts for a bit longer. Avoidance. Oh, well.

Back to being with people today. Sometimes I do the Hi-how-are-you-i'm-fine thing. Talk about work and/or school and all that safe stuff. But once today, when faced with the what's new question, I opted for the more "dangerous" approach. "Well, I'm dealing with depression and anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so that's fun." (I like sarcasm. It might possibly sometimes be a sin to use sarcasm, but I think it's what you say or to whome you say it, not merely the fact that it is sarcasm that makes it wrong.) "And then I'm taking medication too and I don't feel good and I don't know if it's the medication or if I just have to wait it out for a few more weeks..." Okay, so the conversation didn't get too far past that, but it did feel good just to SAY it. And guess what? I don't think I was condemned. That's nice. A bonus.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hope

Hope is such a lovely thing.

I've been feeling a bit better, which is lovely. Gives me more insentive to work on exposures.

I actually wanted to wear make-up again enough to buy new mascara (the same kind that worked before) and use it. Today I didn't wear it. Give my eyes a break. Make sure nothing terrible happens because I used it too much too fast. Okay, so the OCD is on it still. I guess I'll wear it tomorrow. But it's easier to do an exposure when it's doing something I want to do but haven't done for a while. It's exciting to feel like I'm getting my life back! And it's scarey because I'm afraid of the moment my happy bubble will burst. As if it will inevitably come. Well it probably will. And what's talking now? Depression? Anxiety? OCD? Oh, well. At least I can try to enjoy it (happiness) while it lasts.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Stop sign intersections. There's the kind of stop where people don't quite actually stop (this can result in the police pulling you over). There's the normal stop and go. And there's my OCD variation, which is to stop, look and inch forward and stop again (doubles the likelyhood that I actually completely stopped at least once), look and go. I wonder what the people behind me think. No, I don't always do it; I'm not that consistant. But I'm a bit nervous about the day when my counselor thinks I should start resisting OCD driving compulsions. I want to check in my rearview mirror as often as I want! (And stop twice at a stop sign if I feel the need.) Just in case I missinterpreted what I saw on the road. Just to make sure that was merely a pot hole or bump in the road. Just to stop obsessing until next time. Okay, but I do want to be less influenced by OCD. Mutually exclusive desires once again!

Once I surprised a counselor. She gave me a look, like, "I can't believe you just said that." And she made some comment about my cynicism. At which point I mixed that up with sarcasm in my mind (look, they both have "c"s and then "sm" at the end). At which point I assured her I was serious. I'm still annoyed that she was so surprised. She guessed that maybe I needed more time, because she said I had the right answers but she just didn't know why they weren't helping me feel better. So I'm not supposed to feel that way? I'm not supposed to be that angry/frustrated/upset? I guess I figured a counselor shouldn't be surprised. Maybe that's unfair of me.

I switched to a different counselor based on my research about OCD. I don't think I've shocked her yet, which is nice. She did, however, tell me that my emotional reaction to a cold/virus/sinus infection was out of proportion. That makes sense when I look back, but surprised me, too. It seemed so logical at the moment to be that depressed. But it's encouraging what she said about reaching a more stable, less depressed state of mind some time in the future.

In the mean time, I guess I'll try to follow some advice someone gave me about enjoying little things. I will plan on enjoying the dvd I'm getting from the library. And enjoy the clouds outside (okay, so THAT's a good feeling, much nicer than the previous "it's cloudy outside and I can't emotionally handle the lack of sunshine very well" feeling). And enjoy supper? Okay, maybe not so much. But eat it. And enjoy the hungry feeling; it's nice to be able to feel hunger. Enjoy the second hand purse I just bought? After I finish wondering if it was worth while and if I wasted my money and if I shouldn't have spent two dollars on a purse at this time in my life and if it's the wrong size and if it won't work out because it's the wrong size and if the stains are too obvious and if it will last well and if I wasted my two dollars - and I already talked about the two dollars. Okay, maybe LATER I'll enjoy my purse when I'm done being anxious about it. Now what was that about congnitive homework and labeling "thought distortions" and thinking more rationally? "What is the worst that could happen?" I'd waste two whole dollars and eleven cents. Okay, so I'm going to guess that the thought fallacy is catastrophism because I've concluded that a small thing was very terrible. Maybe I have the wrong name, though. Maybe my post will be as imperfect as my thrift store shopping trip, but as long as it is as much of a success (I did drop off four bags of give away in spite of all the anxiety about whether I was doing it right and I did go in and look at clothes, even if I didn't buy any) then I think it is worthwhile. For me at least. :) And you are responsible for choosing to read it or not, so let me post now.