Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Job searching with OCD

My previous job ended suddenly, without warning. They wanted someone else to teach my class, so after work Friday, i was informed and handed my final paycheck.

This happens, of course, two days after raising the dose of my antidepressant. This poor antidepressant is getting a pretty rough test; needing a new car, friend passing away, pet needing put to sleep, bronchitis, psychiatrist preparing to retire, and now unexpected job loss.

But let's try my "cursed" summer another way. I got a nice, newer car. My friend went to be with Jesus. I got 2 new guinea pigs. I mostly recovered my health after bronchitis, and now I have the opportunity for a change of work.

OCD makes for an interesting job search companion:

"How about this job?"

"No, you don't want that job. You might not be able to handle it. It's safer just not to apply."

"Okay, I'll keep reading. How about a job in food prep?"

"You're crazy, lady. We don't work in food prep. Remember your pizza job? Remember your contamination issues?"

"How about this one?"

"No. A mistake could be too serious."

"This one?"

"Pretty sure that will trigger OCD."

"Well, I have to apply for something!"

"Yup. Try for disability."

"Yeah, but i probably wouldn't be approved."

"Probably not."

"Well, I'm exhausted; i think it's time to call it a day."

"Good idea. But you won't get a job that way. And you've got bills coming, you know."

"Yup, i know, but I'm exhausted and going to take a break. I think I'll do some knitting and tv watching, maybe some coloring."

And thankfully, tv, knitting, and/or coloring are pretty distracting, overwhelming ocd's voice so that i don't hear it as much.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Frustration

I hate anxiety. And depression. But right now I'm busiest being mad at anxiety and the fact that i have it. Pardon my falling back to the child's protest, but, "It isn't fair!" Why do i have to deal with this anxiety if i want relief from it? Why do i have to fight it? I'm tired! I just want to sleep (but not go to bed, because then tomorrow will come, and I'm still trying to handle today).

But whatever the cause, be it medication related or from work stress or from my pet dying or my coming down with bronchitis (I'm mostly recovered) or my friend passing away (now do you understand why I'm fed up with this spring/summer?), the anxiety has reached the point where the prospect of continuing as is has become more intimidating than tackling anxiety in therapy again. Which tackling i hate, by the way.

So my counselor and i discussed it, and I've got one ocd exposure in process. And I've got the job of recording my anxious thoughts.

She mentioned again how an episode of anxiety shouldn't take more than half an hour before it calms down. But my anxieties like to switch all over the place, thus they don't peak the same way. I'll switch from one thing to the next to the next, forgetting the other things while i attend to any one particular thing, but quickly bouncing on. But the long and the short of it is, it's not working out acceptably for me.

So i shall once again embark on the dreaded ERP and paying attention and writing down the anxieties that I'd rather try to forget.