Thursday, September 10, 2015

New normal?

On the positive, i got a new job. On the negative, change is still hard. Oh, and shall we mention the new theater for ocd and anxiety to perform in?

I'm now a teacher's aid at a child care center. This means cleaning. Just me cleaning. When I'm around others, it is easier to prioritise ocd into the background. But just me and the room to be cleaned?

I'd like to say i haven't done badly, but am reminded of when i was a kid and timed how long it took me to wash one plastic mug. Drum roll please! Doing my best to pay attention and work at a good pace (my mom attributed my slowness to me daydreaming), it took me five minutes to wash a plastic mug.

Well, i wash dishes faster nowadays. (At least 5 minutes per mug is an easy record to surpass.) Lately i think indecision has slowed me down more at work. To vacuum first or mop or wash dishes or clean the bathroom or take out the garbage. All this with a breath-taking fear of making the wrong choice.

Why do i care which thing i do first? Well, it might influence which things don't get done. What doesn't get done might be done by someone else, or left undone, and they might resent me for not getting my job all done. So i guess that is my fear, my co-workers unhappy with me. And/or getting fired again. After all, if i can get fired once (even if my being let go had very little or nothing to do with my actions), i can get fired twice.

So now let me continue some cognitive therapy. For one thing, I've got a pretty weak link between the choice of which task to do first and my feared consequence. For another, people being upset with me if i make the "wrong" choice isn't the end of the world. Although it is pretty sad... But there isn't really any way to ensure that NO-ONE will ever get upset with me, so... maybe i will be able to gather enough strength to fight the ocd/anxiety. ERP. Yuck! Oh, well. It just might prove worth while again like it has before.