Monday, May 9, 2016

Things that are making me anxious

My newest psychiatrist gave me an "as needed" medication for anxiety. But i have to be home (or not needing to drive for a while) for at least the first time i take this medication. So I'm not sure when I'll actually take it.

I could use it right now, though. I'm getting work done on my car - I think it will be around $500. And it's not a safety issue yet. It's easier to decide safety issues than issues that just make your car have strange sounds. And then trying to decide how much to have done - front struts or all four? I'm settling for front struts, but in an ideal world, I'd get them all done. Of course in that ideal world, i would buy a younger car, so i guess i shouldn't worry so much.

I'm not sure if writing out decisions could become a compulsion, because it makes me feel better to write it out. I don't think it's a compulsion (with the exception of reassurance- seeking), because I rarely write this stuff out. Therefore, we shall call it a coping skill, at least for now.

The other thing i feel bad about is for changing psychiatrists. Well, technically, from a psych. Nurse practitioner to a psychiatrist. Which change i made over a month ago, but my counselor said i should inform the psych NP that i had moved to another psychiatrist. So finally, today, i called to leave a message that i had a new Dr. It seems polite. But then the receptionist asked for my phone number in case the NP has questions. So now, I'm hoping she doesn't have questions, because i don't want to feel like i have to defend my leaving to her. If it were a friendship we were discussing, i should have tried to resolve my issues before ending the relationship. But it is a psych med prescriber. But I'm still worried. What if she says, "You should have talked to me about that before going to another doctor; we could have worked it out"? And maybe we could have. Maybe she would have lowered her prices and allowed me to be the only person she saw for med management only (according to her nurse and spokesman, she doesn't see people for only med management, but requires them to see her for counseling, too). Maybe she would take back her comments that bothered me.

And maybe the real reason I left her was because i didn't have a good feeling about her being my doctor right now. And maybe that feeling is too vague and subjective for me to easily defend. But i shouldn't have to defend that choice. I'm allowed to choose my psychiatrist. It's my right.

And if she says my leaving is because of unresolved issues that i have - that might even factor into my illness - well, i guess it's her right to think that. It may or may not be true. Maybe it doesn't even matter if it's true. Maybe I'm allowed to choose the psychiatrist situation that I'm most comfortable with.

And maybe i could worry about this forever. It seems to bother me more than the car repair job i have authorized. I suppose that is an indicator of how much this psychiatrist switch is bothering me.

And i can stick with one psychiatrist for years; I've done it before. It's the choosing a Dr and choosing to stay with a Dr that is hard for me.

But what if! What if one of the doctors i leave would have been the doctor to solve my medication riddle, to find the magic mixture that would let me feel healthy?!

I really dislike making decisions that could have very important consequences. Which, with my OCD imagination, is just about any decision. A car repair gone right or wrong could save me money or cost me hundreds of dollars, or be a factor in an accident. Eating the wrong food could make me sick, make me need to take time off work, even be a factor in whether i keep or lose my job. Psychiatrists? Which medications? That could be the difference between me at the crisis center or me enjoying my life.

Let's see... What is the name of this brand of cognitive distortion? That's easy; catastrophizing (which word my keyboard word suggester doesn't recognize).

Now we shall practice the art of un-catastrophizing. (Feel free to stop reading - I'm totally using this post as a journaling exercise.) My car repair decision could be wrong, but it could be right, as in wise or prudent. My psychiatrist decision: maybe it would be okay, or even healthy, to trust myself. My gut feelings are worth something. Maybe trusting myself is worth as much as who i end up seeing. And maybe if the nurse practitioner gives me grief (which she probably won't), that would actually be confirmation that she isn't the right match for me at this point. And maybe i have the right to end any such conversation, if it occurs, when I've had enough.

Well friends, i think that's enough journaling for now. I hope things are going okay for you.