Thursday, September 23, 2010


Happy Thursday. So, I've worked 4 days in a row for the first time since before Labor Day! (okay, so that's really only two weeks of working 2 days each). I did it! And I expect to work tomorrow, which will put me back to working normally (though I'm more tired than normal). Actually, I worked late some of these 4 days, so that's even more minutes for my time sheet.

Now I should tackle eating and being sociable for a little, and then I can rest until tomorrow.

Pets can be antidepressants, but even they have side effects. Possibly I am allergic to my guinnea pig. Possibly he'll die. Am I feeding him well enough? Am I giving him enough fresh water? (He's not reliably drinking from the water bottle yet.) Did I waste my money on him? Should I have not spent that much money getting set up to care for him? Etc. But I still like him and am glad I got him. I guess I'd say he's a good antidepressant and he is an exposure (or multiple exposures) for OCD.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Stress w/ work. Well ANYONE would be stressed by that.

Stress w/another area of my life. Yes, I have a wonderful, amazing, and irritating brain.

Stress relief with Friedrik the guinnea pig. He's eating again, which is a relief. But still scared. And in my normal tradition, I rename him with nick-names. Goofy is one of my standard nicknames. Piggywiggy is more specific to guinnea pigs.
Stress relief with my doll house. It's looking better!

Tomorrow I go back to work and then see my counselor. Today I am hungry, but it's 2 o'clock and I only at snacks, not yet lunch. So I guess that's fine.

Friday, September 17, 2010


Got a guinnea pig and two days off work. The doctor said I shouldn't be too hard on myself for being tired after coming out of the hospital.
Friedrik/fredrick/freddy/fred, but spelled Friedrik. :) He's about 3 months old, and my landlord gave me permission to have a guinnea pig, so I got one within a few hours from hearing that.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Uh, yeah. So....

Oh, the present. It's easier to talk about sometimes. I seem to have drank borderline spoiling milk today and/or food with too much spice. At work. Because I seem to have a VERY picky stomach for milk (I like it, but it can still be reasonably good and leave me feeling sick). My solution to this problem is to not eat for several hours. This seems the shortest road to recovery, though it is a bit of a pain when I already was falling on the eating too little side.

But the past is fascinating. Especially mixed with the present. Like the fact that I have 43 unread messages for my main e-mail address (I glanced over the titles/senders and it just didn't seem worth the effort for the moment).

My good time last Saturday that I posted (a week and a half ago) didn't last long. At all. Like, 5 or 7 hours. Then I returned to being exceedingly depressed etc. The OCD liked to say, "you're gonna die" about things like eating the fruity gummy snacks that I liked. The depression thought that was depressing. The depression thought, "I wanna die." The OCD thought that was alarming. So basically, the depression and OCD got together and had a party, possibly aided by meds that either weren't right for me, had inconvenient side effects at the moment, and/or made one or two of my disorders worse. Who knows exactly what happened. But Tuesday I called my doctor's office (Monday was labor day). The receptionist somehow was swiftly convinced that I should see the doctor when in answer to one of her questions I said I wanted to die but was not going to kill myself. Then I asked if it had to be that day, she informed me that it did. Sad, because I didn't want to be a bother taking time off from work that day. Anyhow, I saw him and he switched me immediately from the OCD med and anti-headache-and-depression med to something else that he hoped would help me and keep the headaches away. So Wed morning I took it and in the evening I saw my counselor and she ended up recommending that I visit my local hospital for a rest and medication help.

So I encouraged myself through the ER by thinking about how much I wanted to sleep and how they could give me something to help me sleep. But I had to sit around a little too long to make it convenient to go to the ER for sleep. They did give me something to help me sleep that night: it lasted from about one a.m. to 5:30 a.m. Yay for my great ability to be awake. I got to see more of the night shift nurses that way.

So that's how I managed to be on Cymbalta for only one day. Now I'm on another OCD med and one to help with sleep. Unfortunately, it doesn't make me fall asleep fast. It can leave me in such a state the next morning that my boss said she thought I sounded "kind of groggy" in the morning. My old schedule for waking up and going to work doesn't work at this time. I guess I'll have to start waking up earlier. And really, I want to take it 4 hours before bedtime instead of the recommended one or two.

Now I have returned to the outer world. Rough transition, though. I guess I shouldn't be surprized; I was basically told that I should feel better in a month or few months. But hopefully they'd give me coping skills to better handle the rough spots in life. Somehow coping skills are easier to practice in a hospital environment where I am away from my normal trigger-filled environment.

Oh, and the exposure response prevention stuff I did to get myself to wear my watch on my left hand (which is just not right in more ways than one) turned out ... useful? Because the hospital put my allergy and name bracelets on my left hand. And sometimes that REALLY bothered me. But I was too scared of sinning/messing up their system to switch it to my right even though I could have. Thanks to the OCD for once again providing contradictory obsessions. :)

On a happier note, I'm now trying to get a guinnea pig, but waiting to hear from my landlord if that's okay or not. Apparently some people think they smell. Well, I have thought that, too, but I can also be used to it. We have guinnea pigs at work (pets for half of the classrooms).

Saturday, September 4, 2010

and the roller coaster goes... up for the moment!

Okay, so I didn't convince myself to actually give up on my sleeping-as-late-as-I-can plan until I had slept in AND had come up with an idea for how to do the roofing on my dollhouse (read "intentional hobby to help the depression"). Then I ate -would you believe it, contrary to my anxiety at the grocery store a few weeks ago at the mere thought of eating something besides raisin bran for breakfast, that today I finished my raisin bran (as in, the bag is empty now) and ate a different kind of cereal for the main substance of my breakfast! And it tasted good - well, good enough. I won't die, contrary to OCD's suggestion. Well, then again, who knows what dangers I am yet to encounter today! We shouldn't be too presumptuous. And the spell-checker said I spelled that right. It wasn't okay with "OCD's". Suggestion was fine, so it seems that the spell checker doesn't like OCD, which is silly since OCD probably gives it more business.
Now if I go back in my blog entries, I can find out how long it took me to get from one happy time to the next. I'm guessing two weeks.
The headaches have let off some. I had one last night, but it didn't hurt as bad. It actually felt really wierd because it was the same one-sided headache, but it hurt differently and not as bad. That probably helps my mood.
I'm going to publish without spell-checking the end.