Thursday, November 10, 2016

choosing peace? (warning, contains some election politics thoughts)

There is plenty rattling around in my head right now. One category is election results. Four years ago, I supported a democratic president, as I did two days ago (gasp). But eight years? I can't remember for sure, but I think I voted republican. Do you realize how inconvenient this is? If I had stuck with the same party, only this election or the one eight years ago would disappoint me. But since I switched parties, I'm doubly disappointed (although I was happy with the results four years ago). So just being pragmatic, be careful about switching sides, because the presidency typically switches back and fourth between the democrats and the republicans, with grave voter concern about the potentially devastating results.

Of course, this election is supposed to be "worse." But I'm thinking part of that is because this election is now, while the others are passed. That doesn't explain all of it, but it may explain some of it.

And then, there is the fact that 6 or 7 or 8 years ago, I was terrified of "Obamacare." Now, I'm one of the people who benefits significantly from it. And now, I'm afraid of it being repealed. Will I have to give up my preferred psychiatrist? Stop seeing my beloved counselor? Change medications, risking a decent into suicidal ideation day in, day out until we find the next passable solution?

And that ties into my health insurance worries, independent of the elections. The plans changed this year. I was afraid I would have to change counselors and psychiatrists, since I cross state lines to visit them. After talking to an adviser yesterday, I know that two companies would let me keep seeing them, probably. But the Seroquel XR dose that I'm on? One company has a Step Therapy requirement, and the other doesn't even have Seroquel on its formulary. So now I get to call the two companies and see if I have to change this medication that has been helping me for 6 years (presumably, but we never really know for 100% sure that any improvement or lack of deterioration is from a specific medicine, especially when we take multiple medications for the same illness). I have to compare whether each company requires prior authorization for counseling, and what those requirements might be. And somehow, at the end, I have to choose one, knowing that one option will cost me twice as much monthly as the other (although I might save more in another area). And I have to choose it before too long, because there are deadlines.

And that ties into my struggle over "still" seeing my counselor. See, the insurance company I am with this year had this brilliant (NOT!) idea of averaging out how many counseling appointments people with various mental health diagnoses generally used. Then, after I had used up most of the lesser quantity (they had two quantities and I should have qualified for the greater quantity, but whatever), they sent me a note saying that "most people" with my diagnosis wouldn't need to keep going to counseling.

That, and the fact that I had a couple good weeks during the summer where I started to get close to being ready to space my appointments out two weeks, brought the whole issue up. I think my counselor hasn't quite understood me, but I felt understood by her last night. She wants to support me if I want to decrease frequency of appointments, so she kept stating that we could try it, and if it didn't work, we could go back to full time. But I finally communicated that I don't want to decrease appointments right now and said that was fine with her. I've been fretting over making myself decrease appointments. I've been angry with myself when I've been too hesitant to actually do it. I've been angry that I'm not as strong as I wish I was. I've wondered if I am just lazy. But last night, my counselor and I agreed to table the concern. I said for a little bit, she said I could table it forever. Not as in, I had to see her every week forever, but that I can stop dealing with this self-imposed guilt trip over weekly appointments. I cannot express how relieved I am to stop worrying about it. I'm just not ready to stop seeing her weekly, and that is okay. Of course, I still have OCD and excellent anxiety skills, so I expect to fight through this some more.

But sometimes I can rest and take care of myself and trust myself that I'm not just being lazy. And it is such a relief.

So lots of anxiety-provoking stuff in my world, but I'm trusting that I'm going to be all right. Now for watching TV... :)