Monday, June 26, 2017

homework with depression?

Well, I've spent many hours partially on homework. I know that sounds a bit off. But I haven't exactly been focusing the whole time. I've also been taking breaks to watch tv shows or videos or do anything that isn't homework.

They say depression influences your thinking and cognitive abilities. It is, therefore, an easy scapegoat if not an actual reason I am having trouble with my homework. I'm doing okay on facts. Give me a true/false or multiple choice question on anything I've read this past month, and I can likely get the answer right (unless you ask me which article the information is from). But to summarize what I've learned? Uhhhhhhhhhhh. I know it is about what the class title says it is about. But summarize everything? Most of that information is hiding behind a gray fog. So I can pull pieces out here and there, but do I really have a good summary?

And then there is the whole quality issue. Would it be devastating to get a bad grade on this paper? Do I care? And then there is the false dichotomy; either I want an A - or even a B - or I want out. Well, that makes sense. NOT! Oh, depression how I love - I mean loath thee. I guess I should try to imagine more end results. My paper gets 50 percent of possible points. I've gotten high enough grades in everything else for this class that - guess what; it doesn't matter! I still pass the course.

But just for a minute, let's consider the thought that seems so completely upsetting. What if I fail a class? Really, what if I fail? Would the people who have helped me pay my tuition want reimbursed? There was no such deal. I've given an honest try, and I'm not returning the money - mostly because I can't. Well, I'd have to re-take the class. How would I pay for that? Well, I could apply for a loan. Yuck. But hey, why not. I think I've still made Satisfactory Academic Progress, so that would still be an option.

And "worst case scenario" wins again. Failing a paper or a class wouldn't be so bad after all. Hopefully with some of the pressure gone, I can write better. And I need to stop trying to produce perfect work. It is not helping me!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

I don't like...

I'm just recovering from bronchitis. Last week passed in a blur. I worked most days, had a fever most nights, took lots of pain reliever/fever reducer medication, got the most essential schoolwork done, and watched Netflix. I was sick enough that OCD usually left me alone.

This week, I'm feeling better. Which means OCD/anxiety/depression re-enter the picture. The monsters. Today, I took off work to get more schoolwork done. And what do I do first off? I sleep through nearly the entire morning. It is quite probable that this sleep will help me get over bronchitis, thus not being a waste of time. But there is enough of a possibility that I wasted time that my anxiety has stepped in. What if sleeping in was the wrong choice? What if my boss would judge me for how I spent my time off? My coworkers? What if I don't get my homework done on time or turn in sloppy work because I wasted too much time? What if I was wrong to cancel seeing my friend with a very young baby? What if my cough isn't contagious? What if I'm just selfish wanting to get more homework done this afternoon? What if my friend reads this? I really do have a cough. I really don't think it is a bad idea to wait another week before hanging out with a very young baby. I really also want to get schoolwork done.

I don't like anxiety. I don't like being tired. I don't like coughing until my head aches and I fear I will gag. I don't like the feeling of a shadow hanging over my life.

I don't like wondering if I was wrong about the whole mental illness thing. I don't like wondering if it is just spiritual warfare and I should just be praying it off. I don't like feeling alone and cut-off because I'm not like my friends even though they think I am. I don't like wondering if I am making a cosmic mistake.

This is when I should start into gratitude stuff, I bet. Being thankful that I at least got the day off. That I got to sleep 12 hours. That my fever is gone. That according to the calendar, I'm half way done with this summer session. That somehow, things are going to work out again.

That is all probably true, but so is that I am behind on homework, ready for another nap, needing a shower (and those are something I almost always dread). Well, I'm off to stare at my homework again. Enjoy any sunshine that gets through your clouds.