Saturday, July 31, 2010

I was sufficiently worried about the project due for my class, but then I got a perfect score! Even though I turned it in without it being perfect (as in, each paragraph was not perfectly filled out and balanced).

My turning it in without being perfect was aided by the fact that my car had stalled that morning and I'd gotten a ride to work. I had planned to get a ride to the library and walk home (because that day the project was due!), but instead I was allowed to finish it on a computer at work after I finished my shift. And I got a ride home. So I missed my walk for the day, but I got my assignment done.

The car has now taken up residence at a shop. Silly thing (the car). You'd think it could go on working a while longer, right? Never mind it's age, it's younger than me, and I'm still going!

The silly car leaves me missing counseling next week. Oh, so sad. I lamented the fact, and now I'm not as extremely sad. Unless I think too much, then I might get more sad again.

But counseling and driving to camp are the only things I'm missing, and I can drive to work etc. in another car. It's fun to talk to a two-year-old at work who noticed I was driving a different car.

Handwashing is tied to fear of harming others. I don't mind accepting the risk of germs for myself - well, I don't mind as much, at any rate. What I mind more is the thought of somebody else getting sick because I didn't wash my hands. It is interesting to think about how our actions MUST touch the lives of other people. If I wash my hands, if I don't wash my hands. If I go to this store or that store. It affects people, more or less. This interests and scares me. Think of the Bible story of Abraham and Isaac, when Abraham was told to sacrifice his son. He was to trust God in doing something that would have cost his son as well as him. Actually, it must have been quite the experience for both of them, the build up and then the other animal getting sacrificed instead. This story helped me once in "letting go" of a person who was special to me who had been removed by circumstances from my life (I could be bitter or let go, but the person was already gone). It's one thing to trust God with my life. It's another to trust Him with the people around me. Maybe that sounds silly to you, but that's how I tend to think right now.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

My grades in a class tend to follow a pattern. They start high, might get a bit higher, and then start sloping downward. Take, for example, my current class. Full points on chapter reviews for the first 8 chapters, then 90% on the 9th chapter. That's still not too bad. But this is: I went to write my chapter review today, but had re-studied the ninth chapter. REALLY? Is that what I get for trying to read my text book at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep? Now I have to finish the 10th chapter (I have read part of it) and probably come back tomorrow to write it's review. REALLY?

OCD and depression and schoolwork. Think wonderful combination. OCD or depression says, "I don't care." I'm tired and frustrated and sarcastic and think, "I don't care." And then the deadline still approaches, and I'm thinking, I'm not ready for it. I want to take a break! That's what should happen in 2 weeks when the deadlines are passed. So for now, I guess I'd better glare at my school work, struggling not to be 100% stalled by OCD perfectionism.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I'm a student, sort of. Meaning that I work and am a student on the side, whenever I happen to be taking classes, which has been most of the time. I am taking one class right now, which is a bit inconvenient. I have terrible trouble with motivation. The first two weeks of a class are all right, maybe, but I am pretty good at wanting to drop out shortly after starting. Sometimes, if I put enough work into it, I end up wanting to finish (okay, I always want to finish, and so far I always have except for classes I withdrew from before they started or during the first week). But I remember at the community college being so annoyed when we passed the last day to withdraw for the semester. I want to know I have the OPTION! I don't know if I've passed it with this class. I guess I'll try to finish - it was expensive and I payed for it, so I'd like some little words on a transcript saying I finished it with an A. That's what I'd like, but it might be a B. That concern about a B and my not wanting to do the work fuel the wish that I wasn't taking the class now.

Ha! Finished my assignment. I shall not drop out yet!

Monday, July 5, 2010

titles post in a different color, and I think I like the color - we'll see

I took a break. One week when my thoughts were not so focused on OCD (I don't mean I didn't have OCD thoughts, I mean I wasn't thinking, "Is this OCD? This is OCD."etc). One weak to enjoy helping with VBS at my church. Okay, by the end I was really really tired. Having a hard week followed by a week of "normal" days followed by VBS evenings when I was responsible for a group of people is tiring. But it was good. Will I do it again next year? Ask me next year.

I am, of course, procrastinating right now. I am taking one college class and carefully putting an assignment off for a little bit longer (16 more minutes would be okay). The assignment was due yesterday, however, so I want to actually finish it tonight. I don't usually turn things in late, but occasionally I like to strategically intentionally do that. Like this time, when I really wanted to go on an all day trip on Saturday when I had been going to complete the assignment. So I'll turn it in today, hopefully, and hopefully get 9 instead of 10 points.