Monday, January 30, 2012

As far as the "how many classes should I take" issue, I solved it. We'll see how well the solution works out... Anyway, I decided I'd take the two classes that I have to take to graduate "on time" for school, and I'd take the American Sign Language class for fun, like a hobby, because I really wanted to take it. My resolve did fade a little when I got a D on a long quiz, but with my sister's assurance that I could work up to a final grade of a C or better, I am sticking it out. Even though I am currently relatively tired of watching and watching and watching a bunch of vocabulary words, most of which I already know. I play a guessing game and see if I guess the same sign that he then demonstrates. (See, my reseptive skills are pretty good. My grammar knowledge? That could improve. Especially when it comes to names of grammar rules - not the sort of detail I tend to pay attention to, since I personnally don't care what it's called as long as I understand it.)

So that is somewhat solved. And I am spending hours staring at my computer and working on my classes. Hmmm. Now I'm getting nervous again. Well, that isn't going to help. I've now committed to taking these classes.

The weather was nice today, the sun actually shone. The sky boasted lots of blue, and the weather was pretty warm (as in, 40s F).

I am enjoying my computer. I designed art/craft activities for my kids for this week.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

somewhat better

Currently, my computer is somewhat working. That at least is encouraging.

Today, I saw both my counselor and my psychiatrist. Right now, I'm kind of doing okay as long as I don't think about it. But thinking about it when I see my counselor and psychiatrist... well, I've been better. But hey, I've been worse, too.

My current areas to improve are socializing and exercising. Exercising has somehow fallen out of my schedule. Not out of my to-do list, just out of my completed list.

As for schoolwork, I think for a moment that I'm doing good and then find out that I'm actually falling behind in another class and might not be able to get the paper in on time. Somehow my expectations aren't lining up with reality. I expect to be able to do more than it seems that I actually can do. And there probably was a time in my life when I could have done more. That bugs me. Then again, when I could have done more, I wasn't working five hours a day caring for a million toddlers. One semester, I was sort of full time, but that college was different in how the classes went. And I pretty much just had to take tests and write papers. One of my classes this year involves actually going out and observing Speech Language Pathologists. That takes a different kind of time. For me, I can learn information for a test in a relatively short amount of time and I'm pretty good at test taking skills. Papers are a bit harder (thanks to OCD), but I can still do them, probably quickly, though I don't really know what to compare that to. Observations, however, must take a certain amount of time. You can't do an hour of observation in 30 minutes just because you have the academic kind of smartness that lets you memorize information extra quickly. And then I get to add in OCD time. Did I verify that I have all the written permissions that I need? Did I get the SLP to write their permission, too? Did I accurately answer the questions? What exactly did the SLP say? Ooops, I'm not positive that this is a direct quote, so I can't use it as a quote or a non-quote. Let's change the wording. Oh, no. I still don't know if that is a quote or a non-quote. Or, did that really happen, or did I just assume that it happened? Blah, blah, blah. I'm guessing I'll be able to handle part of that fairly quickly, but the OCD-related procrastination? The "I don't know how to do it right, so I don't want to start trying yet. Maybe I'll understand more later, or maybe... Jesus will come back before the paper is due. Or maybe... Um, I should do it. But I still don't know how. And somehow... oops, I ran out of time." Blah, blah, blah.

I guess this is me thinking "out loud," you are already falling behind in a class you have to pass while you work on this other class that you want to take but don't have to pass.

Then lets add in some false guilt. I potentially disappointed my mom by buying this laptop and webcam with my credit card when she was busy helping me not need my credit card for things like doctors appointments and food and gas for my car. That purchase might even be sinful, who knows? (OCD does; it must be sinful!) But I could almost justify it to myself because of this ASL II class which is really more practically taken with the computer and webcam that I now have. But if I drop the ASL II class... then the "it must be sin" voice can't be (somewhat) drowned out by the "I (almost) really need it for the ASL II class." All I'm left with is the "it must be sin" voice, and the softer (nicer) voice of my counselor that I really can still use a laptop. But oh, well. I'm thinking that the OCD and depression and anxiety are really having another party inside my brain, the annoying things!

And Mr. Psychiatrist is thinking the stress in my life is the cause in my recent decline, voiding the need to change medications just yet (which I agree with, even while I'm annoyed). So then (wanting some perhaps justifiable assurance), I said, I feel like it's my fault, that I'm taking too many classes or not exercising enough or not socializing enough or something. And he said, no, it's the stress. And I think, but I'm the one putting this stress on myself - well, aside from things like... my job and my mom's health issue and such. But I didn't say that. And he said I also need to forgive myself. I wonder how many times I've been told that. It's a popular theme for inspirational fiction. Speaking of which, how about I just hide from my troubles and go read a book? Forget about isolation for a minute; I'm in trouble. And I feel safe when I'm lost in a book. Safe from my mind.

Compromise. I can exercise, loosing myself in some tv show on the fancy gym machinery. Then I can go isolate in my apartment, and face the scarey schoolwork tomorrow.

Monday, January 23, 2012

overdid it?

The depression is making a passionate reappearence. Appearently, accepting monetary help from my parents has highly irritated it. And the whole, do I get a laptop for my sign language class or is that a terrible sin question, that's gotten some points in, too. I finally decided on the "go ahead and get it" side, which is monetarily disturbing, but might make it considerably more possible to pass the class. I hoped that deciding would stop the anxiety, but no, it continues.

It would seem that I have made some mistake, that or the meds aren't working as well as I'd hoped. I'm guessing a mistake was made, regardless of the efficacy of the meds. I'm guessing it involved taking more than two classes this semester. I'm not sure what to do now. Do I drop the extra class? I've got a few more days to consider that. Maybe that would work. Maybe not. Who knows? Decide? Make another decision? Just existing is enough work, don't you think? Can't I just go back to hybernating in my house with a book in front of my nose? At least once I'm into the book, my brain shuts up for a bit.

I hate this feeling. Depression is nasty.

The OCD is more amusing (nasty underneath, but let's stick with the amusing side for the moment). I have an essay to turn in tonight. The OCD, if not present in the perfectionism and procrastination, makes its appearance by the first paragraph. I like to start one page essays by restating the question and then stating my response. Restating is the first problem. We must use words that definately don't "plaigerize" the question (never mind that the teacher knows what the question was, so it wouldn't be a secretive copy anyway). But the words should be close enough so as not to change the meaning. But is that plaigerism, too? Um, I'm gonna say it isn't. I'm pretty sure the non-OCD part of my brain is pretty unconcerned about the whole issue.

Well, that's that. I don't feel good, but hey, what can I do about that? Exercise? Get with people (no! No, no, no. I want to read my book. Don't tell me that is isolating. I don't care! No, I do care! But its just too hard to get out with people. It doesn't seem worth it. I'm writing on my blog, doesn't that count?) Blah, blah, blah. I think I'll go back to that essay and finish it up.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


I keep trying to take the final exam for a class so that (if I pass with an A or a B) I can move on to the next class. However, it keeps not letting me take it. Some kind of mistake is permitting me to take the wrong exam and not the final one.

So instead, I have the pleasure of listening to a lecture. I have this whole rule about either reading or listening to the lectures but not both. Well, in this class, my guess is that the lectures are what will get me good grades, which cuts down on the reading end. However, the lecturer likes to repeat himself. I know that this is good teaching practice and that it is expected that we will not only need to listen to his repeated (with variations) instructions but also need to read and review written material saying the same basic thing (as in, more reading than just the slides that are viewed during the lecture. Unfortunately, I can usually understand the first time through, so about a third of the lecture is interesting. I really don't remember how the last professor of a similar class kept me interested, but I really enjoyed his lectures. I'm sure that it helped that most (if not all) of the lectures were much shorter than this 75 minute lecture (that I have already divided into at least two sittings).

Blah, blah, how boring. This is supposed to be waking me up so that I can go back to the lecture and pay better attention.

But I'm really sleepy. I called various phone numbers to try to fix a bill for something that didn't happen. And then I cried about how I was upset about how I was treated my last visit (relating to my anemia, not psych issues). And then I went to my counseling appointment. And then I wasn't as put together as I'd planned to be, instead being ready to cry again. What is going on with my depression? I finally become confident enough of the more mild status of my depression to actually announce it on my blog and in a support group, and then I slide down hill.

And then my counselor goes into her warning about self-fulfilling prophecies about a bad day actually meaning all the depression is coming back (or some of it is coming back and not going away any time soon). And my subconcious interpretor informs me, your counselor thinks you are just making this whole increased depression episode up. And then it takes time and just the right flow of conversation for me to even realize that my subconcious interpretor is being such a jerk (I don't think my counselor ever would have guessed that interpretation). So, after trying to convince myself that my past six days of increased depression were just the result of a simple mistaken thought and weren't actually truly expressions of worsened depression, I finally permit myself to accept the fact that the milder depression has been moving up to a more moderate state (still not severe, which is very, very, very nice).

And the modified plan is... what I'd been trying to do anyway; increase my hours of sleep and smooth out my sleeping schedule more. Because when we were finally speaking the same language, my counselor and I both thought that my irritableness was related to the increased depression. Oh, and she suggested writing/journaling to help with the irritableness.

And now I plan to forget finishing the lecture this afternoon. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold...

Happy Friday tomorrow!

Monday, January 9, 2012

the semester begins

The semester has begun, and I have "attended" for 65 minutes now - well, around checking e-mail etc. And already, I am annoyed about something related to each of the three classes.

Two Depression warning signs: having trouble falling asleep and unreasonable (or at least unusual) irritability. What am I doing wrong? Why am I so angry! I don't like being angry! I am not angry at you, I'm just angry, or irritable, or choose whatever word you want. Anyway, I can't really solve the sleep problem, just keep going to bed at a reasonable (or almost reasonable) hour and follow the best "sleep hygiene" that I can. As for the irritability? Ummm, I could eat. That might help. If I could sleep more, that might help. Who knows, maybe this is the normal, "healthy" level of irritability and I've just avoided it for years with my mental illness issues.

I know the whole issue with anger directed inward. Being angry with my self annoys me, but doesn't necessarily through me off as much as my anger directed outward. Okay, so usually, I manage to (in reality or in pretend) aim my anger at something besides a person. I can be angry at the way a class was set up, but let the teacher off (since, obviously, the teacher doesn't know what irritates me). I can be angry at the stuff in my closet that is in my way (okay, maybe that's a little weird, but it's still not a person, so it isn't as "unacceptable" to me). I can be ... tired. Sleep might be nice. How about now? No, that might mess up tonight's sleep, which is probably already set to be messed up, anyways, and even if it wasn't, it might be now on account of a self-fulfilling prophecy (now there are two, though both are modified by nice, uncertain words that often prevent accidental lies, which lies the OCD is quite concerned about.

Then there is peanut butter, while I'm talking about OCD. I had peanut butter in my lunch today. The OCD was off on something about it being poison (even though it isn't actually harmful to me), and I generously offered my guest (the OCD) some food - peanut butter. I was amused, even if it was a little rude to the OCD.

Oh, lack of concentrating. Put that on the list of Depression warnings that is currently visiting me. I have a great ability to forget any sentence that isn't my current sentence (or the current sentence of the person I'm listening to). Actually, I can usually keep in mind a paragraph's worth of subject, but maybe not so well if you analyze this blog post.

Spell check doesn't like :"OCD" or "Ummm," poor thing. What a boring life it must lead.

Friday, January 6, 2012

How to cut corners shopping for food? Umm, haven't figured that one out, yet. The biggest danger is that I will loose my appetite and/or not eat enough. I was going to blame that on one of my mental disorders, but my unlabed sister experienced the same thing. I've got it; I can blame it on my genes.

Anyway, I'm testing the internet-found coupon approach, with skeptically regarded results. Wait until after I shop for my update. hmm. I'm having some trouble.

Last counseling session revealed... that I've got lots of anxiety tied up in my religious/spiritual/whateveryouwanttocallit part of my life. Oh, and please don't add the whole, "you're [religion] should change your whole life" thing, because I already know that and am not disagreeing with that. She suggested looking for a new church, and I disregarded the idea because it sounded too stressful. How sad is that. Anyway, I'm not sure I want to leave my church anyway, so that might work out fine.

More, I'm still confused about how my experiences and my beliefs work out together.