Tuesday, October 18, 2016

limits

I don't want my mental illness to slow me down. Ever. To impose limits on what I can "handle" without too many adverse side effects.

But that is not my reality. I'm struggling through the semester, doing great on paper, but not so great in person. I usually work seven hour days, but today, I took off work to do 5 hours of observation instead (I got to sleep in!). By the time I got home, my digestive system rebelled. So then I spent several hours deleting e-mails from one of my e-mail accounts. I deleted thousands of e-mails. And I did a little tiny bit of homework. And I watched TV. I love my TV time. And random internet searches. Meanwhile, my stomach slowly settled mostly down. And while it tried to settle, I wondered if I was sick, if I will be contagious tomorrow. I'm thinking it isn't contagious, but I really can't know for sure.

Basically, mental illness gets in my way from working as many hours as I would like, from studying as much as I would like, from coping with life as well as I'd like. And sometimes I push the hours and studying anyway, but guess what; I pay for it in my mental health. The depression and/or the anxiety is like, "Yippee! An excuse to get worse!"

And I get more and more tired,

So do I just plow through and get the degree while not being healthy for the next year and a half? Might the degree be worth it? It should help the financial and job opportunities if I can finish the degree.

I was afraid of not finishing. That was one reason I put off starting a master's degree. In deleting thousands of e-mails, I went back a couple years, and I've been toying with the master's degree plan for three or four years, but didn't commit until May. And now? Making progress, while placing too great of demands on my medications, therapy, and myself.

:(

Well, now for searching for the most edible food, least likely to cause another stomach rebellion...