Friday, September 30, 2011

I've continued doing better, except for the time when my depression made a fine showing last night. Kind of reminds me that I'm actually not okay, even though I can sometimes cover over the worst of the depression and have a somewhat good mood.

I hate feeling so deep in depression. I sometimes dislike pitying looks. I sometimes dislike advise. I like sharing, but find it hard to share. Questions are easier, but I don't have questions (except for the psych dr. and my therapist). It's just a painful reality. Really, I like it when people are there for me. When they spend time with me. They might not know that that is what I want. Maybe they think they should fix it (despite the facts that my therapist and psych. dr. have not been able to "fix it" despite their professional positions). But I know there isn't any answer right now. Sure, an answer would be nice, but so would winning a million dollars (actually, I don't think that would be so nice). So I'm grateful for people who have talked to me and listened to me and just "been there" for me.

And I think that's about all. I have a headache (need more than 9 hours of sleep again, apparently). I have homework. I have a movie to watch tonight. Maybe it will be scary. Maybe not. Maybe it will trigger more depression. Maybe it will trigger laughter. Who knows.

And I have a quiet weekend planned, no working at camp this time. I had enough trouble working my normal job this week. So on to homework, painting, and exercise. I'm painting Christmas gifts, since I needed something to paint.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

the value of sleep

Sunday and Monday I fell apart right on schedule. Monday, I talked to my dr. He added back in a med that helps me sleep. What a difference sleep made, with the addition of a short day of work followed by some good relaxing time. Now I'm back to coping. A little scared still, but I have more room for error again.

It is neat how God puts people in my life who somehow help me on my worst days (not the same as the days I think are my worst until the next one comes). I got to talk to people I usually wouldn't even initiate contact with. It was nice talking to them.

Yesterday, I spent a while painting and coloring. It was quite peaceful. And I took a walk. Also nice. Except for the weird planes that flew over that looked scary and made scary sounds. I still have that fear. But if I don't look and do plug my ears, I'm not so scared (and a little embarrassed to be caught plugging my ears in public).

So anyway, I'm doing a bit better now. And that's very nice.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

side effects

Last week, when I worked in the kitchen at camp, I enjoyed myself more because I was able to forget OCD triggers. Not so this morning. In fact, I could remember some of what was contaminated a week ago when I worked there. You know germs; we gotta be careful.

I was, however, able to give one up when slicing cucombers on a cutting board that didn't meet my ocd standards of clean. But I knew ocd could never be satisfied. I was afraid there wasn't even one cutting board that would meet my ocd standards. That or it was too embarising to think of putting cutting board after cutting board into the dirty dishes.

I worked in the kitchen at camp when I was just out of highschool. My boss said that she was glad I had a little ocd perfectionism in the kitchen because it meant things got more clean. I'm pretty sure she didn't know the distress that accompanies ocd. I am somewhat amazed that I got through that summer as well as I did.

Anyway, I don't know if the ocd can be blamed on my coming off one medication.

But I'm 98% sure that the tremors that my hand has resumed displaying is a side effect of the new medication. Let's put it this way; threading a needle would probably be harder than when my hand is still. It had tremors on the medication two meds ago, but not on the last one, so I'm pretty sure this tremor is from the new med. I'm not particularly worried, except that in the literature, it says to contact my doctor right away if I get tremors. And it is the weekend. What's the worst that could happen? I don't know! The tremor is mostly just a nuisance, but is it expressing something more serious? I'm pretty sure it can wait until Monday, unless I get more disconcerting symptoms, like hearing a siren when there isn't one. But was that a hallucination, or a worry combined with an over-active immagination? Oh, and add in a few twitches, but it's harder to trace the cause of that. That is supposed to be serious, too. So, seriously, I'm having serious side effects that don't particularly bother me, and I seriously don't know how serious it really is. I think I'll talk to a nurse. (When in doubt, put the decision on someone else - not always a good way to keep friends, though.)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dr visited, peace restored

I didn't make up the "I started twitching more when I stopped the medication" thing. The Dr. said that sometimes happens. It has a nice long name. That I can now claim, in the past tense, which is okay, since it is passed, and since it wasn't too bad in my case.

I got really anxious about visiting the Doctor. In my mind, I immagined what would happen, and I didn't like what I immagined. As is not unusual, my feared events didn't happen. So I'm breathing many sighs of relief.

And filling a prescription for yet another antidepressant. Oh, please, God, let it be effective and inexpensive. I probably wont have insurance forever.

At least when I try a new medication, there is hope that something new and better will happen. So I'm back to hoping. Which, I suppose, means that I should get more serious about my homework. That online group I might have complained about that I became the leader of? I may have started the ball, but they are sure stepping up and keeping it rolling. Which is good while I have/had my little extra-dark spot. Isn't that a group at it's best? Each helping when they can? Or something like that. But that is philosophical and not necessarily applicable to school project groups...

Anyways, I'm trying again. Maybe this time the medication will work like it's supposed to.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

good things

Maybe you should stop reading my posts for a few days. Or maybe I should write cheerfuller posts.

Now my concentration has been taken hostage by the depression, so I just don't have a good attention span.

My counselor told me to focus on my senses, not on my depression. I.e. the way the keys feel under my fingers, the sound of typing on the keyboard, etc. It works, at least for 20 seconds. Twenty seconds throughout the day would add up to minutes. Good deal, all around.

Here is my partial list of good things.

Tomorrow I see Mr. Psychiatrist. Yay.
Today, I am getting my laundry done (well, most of it). That's good, too.
It is already 5 pm.
I have two corndogs frozen in my freezer.
I have ten icecream bars in my freezer. And 5 bagels. And I have milk and cream cheese. Or, in plain English, I have food that I like at home.
I have a guinnea pig. (I think I scared him two days ago trying to get him to reach out of the cage to my hand with a yogurt treat.)
I have a television and a dvd player and a cd player and two radios. They can keep my thoughts in less depressed places.
I can come to the library and use the computer.
I am still driving.
I can rent a movie to watch tonight.
I have suggestions from friends of what movies to watch.
Last night I went to my favorite local grocery store.
Before that I spent time with friends.
My counselor called me back yesterday.
Today is better than yesterday.
It is really beautiful outside right now.

So I can think of good things. Just don't start a philosophical conversation on it. That's directed at you, brain.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

My brain is talking to me. Blah, blah, blah. We'll call it depression, though OCD might have a say as well. I keep talking back. "You think I don't hear you?" "I know! I heard you." And so on and so forth. Meanwhile cue flu-like symptoms of depression/anxiety (minus the throwing up). And cling to hope.

I've got a few specks of hope and half a mustard seed of faith. But they are clenched tightly in my hands.

Meanwhile, I'm here at the library because I have homework to do. I'd gotten it almost done yesterday, and then mannaged to erase 7/8ths of it. So now I can re-do it, around my brain muttering and my normal procrastination habits. My brain did shut up for me to write this post. Thankyou, brain.

I see Mr. Psychiatrist this week. I felt oh so much better getting off of the second atypical antipsychotic. With my usual contradictory enthusiasm, I hoped that meant that the depression would pretty much disappear. No such luck. The weekend came. It's not my fault that the weekend came. People set up the calander that way, and I wasn't one of those people.

I've been "being good." Getting out of my house, talking to people, etc. My counselor should be happy-sad. Happy for my actions, sad that I don't feel better.

I'm sick of this, really. I'm sure you are sick of your illness, too. I wasn't planning on having a chronic illness while in my twenties. I'm sure you weren't either. I somehow thought that if I dealt with it and did the right things, it would go away. The OCD would tone down and the depression would leave. But that didn't happen. Well, the OCD toned down and the depression keyed up. For those who would ask me to choose which is worse... If either of them is bad, I struggle. If I'm depressed, I'm depressed. If I'm anxious, I'm depressed or very close to it. What is anxiety anyway?

But we believe this will get better. It will, it will. My specks of hope and half mustard seed of faith know I'll get better. At some point. Just it seems that today is not the day. Maybe tomorrow. (The contradictory thoughts that I'll never get better on earth and that I'll be better tomorrow are rather confusing. But let me not bother the doctor, because I might be better tomorrow. Only now I do call the doctor. Because enough todays have been tough.)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Success is Sweet and Short-lived

I just got part of my homework done. I worked hard on it. It looks pretty good. I feel pretty good. After this, I have more homework to do.

Getting off the medication makes it harder to fall asleep (yes, this med was having the opposite effect than expected and made me very tired), but I feel more awake. I feel more alive! I feel better. Praise God.

I think I'll go back to homework. Deadlines inspire.

I was going to say and forgot to say, my main lesson from counseling today was that I'm "too hard on myself." How to change that is a whole other question. But identifying a problem (again) is a good step.

It was a revelation to me that weekends were not my fault.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Combine depression and anxiety with normal procrastination... and schoolwork is a bit tough. Then add a slow computer/internet program.

I think I'm doing great one minute with the depression and stuff, and moments later I feel sick and depressed. I don't get it.

I'm getting off a medication. Seems that that causes side effects, too.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The weekend has been successfully navigated. I got to babysit, which I enjoyed.

Today, I went back to work, and it was the first day of preschool. I don't know what you would call our two-year-old version; Pre-preschool? We sing, we eat snack, we do an art project - or rather, an "open-ended art activity," since I have been indoctrinated by the current teaching at the local community college. Actually, I agree with open-ended art most of the time. Then an active activity, and then back to normal free play. I showed my boss my schedule and she liked it, which made me happy.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I think I'm getting an ear infection (you're surprised, right? :)
That is why I should not blow my nose (i.e., so I can get a sinus infection instead?). Maybe it will go away if I ignore it (and take a decongestant). I think I've gotten rid of a few that way. I'm guessing a 50-50 chance either way.

School is going better than I expected (except that right now I really want to be doing jumping jacks instead of transcribing the phonetic consonants in a list of 50 words. Yay. (As in, I just did 50 and now I have 50 more.) The whole chatting online with group membors thing is going terribly for me. Yesterday, I couldn't get on at the agreed upon time, and three people met without me. I'd call that a partial success. Today, I can get on, but I'm not finding anyone else. So much for chatting. Let's go for the long, slow discussion process. And guess what else? I think I might end up the leader of the group. I took the position just to get things rolling, but keep offering to give it up. So far no-one has volunteered. So I remain leader by default unless someone volunteers in the next week or so. It's kind of fun, though, because I usually don't officially lead things, but when I take those Skills/Gifts surveys, I tend to get decent leadership scores. It was my skill/gift that I intentionally avoided using. I had the "later; I'm too young" excuse, which obviously works a little less well each year that I live.

I think that my newest med. is making my anxiety worse. However, cognative-behavoirally, I'm doing surprisingly great. That is why I'm not pacing my home or in bed crying right now but instead am typing a blog post in between homework. That and God's grace. Tuesday, I need to call the psychiatrist. But I have this problem. When I can call him, I think, oh, I'm better today, maybe I don't need to call him. When he's unavailable, I think, I really need to call him. Anyway, today I'm currently in a good mood. :) How lovely.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

School work has ambushed me. That is why one might want to check what they have to do in a week before taking the holiday off. But really, a day off was nice. And the thing I'm most worried about is the group project, and that doesn't depend only on me.

My OCD is behaving itself, well, as well as it does. The depression is being "normal" or a bit worse. I was watching a movie today, "Fathers Day," and haven't finished it. But one character is a bit like me with depression and anxiety. The other character is surprised by him. I forget that my thoughts are unusual. I'm having a pretty good day today, but Sunday I was making it from one activity to the next (not even one day to the next). Admittedly, that was worse for me. But when I told my sister and heard her response, I thought, Oh, that isn't normal thinking. I had kind of forgotten. I had kind of assumed that everyone had bad days like that. But the movie and my sister remind me, no, my thoughts aren't all normal, which means they might get better.

Here is my happiest news; my "projected graduation date" is fall of 1013! A semester over two years away! (Meaning, I'll have to take classes each summer, but only have to take two or three classes each semester.) It gives me a feeling of hope - coupled with, but then what? What good will this degree really do? Who knows, but I'll actually have it. And I will hopefully enjoy the classes (or most of them) on my way there.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

contamination and myself in a seven hour battle

I worked on Saturday dicing tomatos. Throws off my sense of time. And restarted the symptoms I'd blamed on the medication I just got off of. (Shaking, occasional twitches.)

Working in a kitchen where I've worked before, for money, for a bunch of people to eat, that is a great OCD invitation. All things considered, I think I did well. Only one extra glove change (I think the other people forgot to notice and there was a "touched which touched which touched" contamination. Hmmm, looks more rediculous when I write it out.)

I diced tomatos, as I said (though not the whole time). I had some good self-talk. I'm proud of myself. I would worry about something (not getting it quite right) and then think, do you think other people always get it "right"? It helped to remind myself that the issues I faced were faced by other people (even if they don't realize it). The boss complimented my tomatos, which made me think, oh, no, now I have to live up to that. But I was able to remember that she liked the job I was already doing, so I didn't need to change it.

So, now my body says it's stressed out (studying quickly and taking a test after work wouldn't have anything to do with that...). But I got my big two tasks done today (test and work).

Friday, September 2, 2011

My teacher thinks that when citing sources, one can't cite too often. She didn't read my first research paper. She probably doesn't know about OCD fears of plagerism.

sweet house and checking - unrelated

Hey, let's check it five more times. Since the zeros on the account balance that my eyes saw, well, maybe they were not zeros. Yeah, I looked several times, but maybe I should check it again. Or I could play ERP. "The account balance is really something above zero, and you will be dropped from your classes and blah, blah, blah, it will be very disturbing, and then..." I like making up funny endings, but I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to. "And then..." Somehow, misteriously, this will cause me to be in debt the rest of my life? My depression will strike really hard and I'll end up in the locked part of the hospital again? I'll never get to take classes again? But those don't seem to follow the "reasonable" consequesnces part of what if my fears came true. Really, they sound like fears themselves. More reasonably, I'd get re-signed up and would keep taking my beloved Phonetics and Language Science classes. I love them, so far, as rediculous as that may be. This makes studying pleasant, or at least close to enjoyable. (Fighting with computers, not so fun.) (This does not mean I won't complain about studying later.)

 Home sweet home. This (both pictures above) is the edible house I entered in the fair. Got third place with no competition at all (the only one there. How do I pick those?). Below is my practice try.

I think the first house was cuter. I mean, aside from the fact it was falling down and the "dirt" was melting into the icing and the door was falling/fell off and the back and other side were just bare graham cracker, and the icing wasn't stable, and it is tacky enough that it probably would have gotten a worse rating at the fair. It still is more cute. Better colored. Not one of those perfect little houses with perfect grass and no dandelions or bare spots or anything. What? I'm still bitter about neighbors having had better yards when I was in elementary school?