Saturday, June 1, 2013

depression dip / performances

I'm dying to tell some one my secret; I'm playing at a talent show tonight, but I haven't picked out the second song I'm supposed to sing.

It didn't help that I'm having a depressed but busy day. Busy isn't even bad. It is the performing thing. I just finished my dance recital. I got compliments, but of course, in my depressed state of mind, the compliments felt empty. Eventually, enough people complimented me that I concluded I did a good job after all.

Then comes this talent show. Point blank, I'd rather hide in my house or my garden today. But no, I agreed to do this. So instead of being this great, joyous occasion where I can sing in front of people, it is an act of service. Seems mixed up. That's my depressed brain for you.

I think I got too tired. I blame Wednesday night for a lot of it. I fell asleep, but it was the partly-awake kind of sleep. So when I woke at 2:20, I had the brilliant idea of getting up and eating something. Sometimes (usually) doing that helps me fall all the way asleep. Instead I was awake until 4:20, at which point I realized that I forgot my Seroquel. No wonder my brain refused to stop.

Once I figured out that the problem was forgetting to take medication instead of the medication "failing" me, I felt better. But it still took an hour or so to fall back asleep after taking the forgotten Seroquel. So basically, it was a 4 hour of sleep night, with much of that time being not very restful sleep.

Thursday, I developed a pretty anxious view of my new job. I wasn't going to be good enough. I felt so incompetent. Then I slept that night. Friday, my outlook was oh, so much better. I'm excited to start my own class again. Basically, sleep is super duper important.

Then Saturday, I let myself sleep in. Good choice? Bad choice? Mediocre choice? What does it matter. Add in some hunger. And getting off a week learning my new job. And performances. And just my brain being depressed.

But it is just one day. The depression dip could go away tomorrow, or even tonight. So it is okay.


  1. I hope things went well for you in the talent show!

    I really admire how you can tell yourself that you are having an anxious view of something or a depressed day. That is really really good! I have a really hard time realizing what's going on with my mood until I feel really uncomfortable. I think the better I can become at figuring out what is going on, the better I'll be able to handle it. Hopefully?

  2. I hope you had fun at the talent show!

    I'm learning more and more how important proper sleep is to my mood. I have nights like you described, and it does make the next day harder.

    I think worrying about a new job is natural. You will feel more confident as you become more used to it.