Sunday, October 12, 2014

Struggling past my own mind

Well, I've tried twice, but the photo is not uploading. But it is of my new mini fridge. Only the new one is bigger than my old one. And most important of all, it has a separate door for the freezer. For the first time in over two years, I can buy frozen food and actually expect to keep it frozen! My old one had a tiny freezer compartment within the fridge, but it froze parts of the refrigerator while permitting part off the freezer to thaw out. Thus, it was only good for things that didn't HAVE to stay frozen for food safety reasons.

 So that is my happy news.

On the mental health front, I have to "baby" myself. At least that is how it feels. This poor brain here does fine sometimes, but other times the tears come. Which is interesting because it has been a while since I've cried this much. And frustrating because I find myself needing help. Needing the extra hug. Needing to cry with a friend. Very annoyed at needing my friends, but also very grateful to have them.

Today was Sunday, (duh,) which for me involved going to church and Bible study. The sermon was about taking responsibility and serving at church, not as a we-need-help-in-such-and-such-ministry, but as in it will help us grow in our relationship with God. The context was graceful, not legalistic. But through my cloud of depression, I heard, "See? You are sinning by taking a break from helping on the music team." That wasn't what the pastor was saying; that was just what I was hearing.

 Then came Bible study, and more mishearing. This time with tears. Bathroom break! Thankfully my eyes seem good at hiding tears (or at least are good enough that I think they hide my tears, and my perception is most important in this case :-)... But afterwards, I was able to talk to a friend who was able to confirm my suspicion that I was mishearing. Who was able to assure me that it really was okay to take a break from helping with music.

And then I took a nap.

So I am too much in the vulnerable nitty-gritty of mental illness to advocate to the general public about mental illness this year during mental health awareness week (which technically has already ended yesterday). My mental health struggle is generally reserved for people like you who I am fairly confident won't respond with judgement (or will at least keep it to yourself :-) ). Because I'm not ready to stand against stigma right now. Hey, I'm busy fighting the stigma in my own mind. But later, when I'm better, I hope to advocate with less reserve.

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