Saturday, May 23, 2015

Time off work

My trouble with days off started when i was a kid. My mom gave us our birthdays off of chores and school work. Which was very nice and more or less the equivalent of an extra day off work as an adult. Like my three day weekend going on now.

And as a child, i was glad, but then i felt all pressured to use the day just right. The perfect choice of activities. Cleaning my desk or file box. Having fun and relaxing. Perfectly, so i didn't waste my once a year day off of chores and schoolwork (i was homeschool, so even a summer birthday meant a break from school). But all this pressure and anxiety over my free time really detracted from my enjoyment.

Forward to the present, this is my first long weekend since whatever time off we had for New Year's day. And i have freaked out. All that pressure like i had as a child. And it multiplies itself, because the anxiety detracts from my enjoyment, which means I'm not "doing it right," so I'm upset with myself for being upset.

And i needed this break! I was exhausted from work. But the stress of extra time off almost makes me wish the day of was over...

Well, i was hoping that if i wrote it out, I'd come up with the cure. Instead, i still feel physically off from staying up late and sleeping through the morning and the resulting eating disruptions and probably the medication delays, too.

And my house is in its usual state of needing work. And I'm out of milk, so i can't have milk and cold cereal in the hope that such a staple meal would resolve my mental discomfort.

Well, maybe if i eat lunch and pay bills i will feel more capable of completing my mental instructions to "love yourself." Or maybe i can get out school supplies and start preparations for the summer program. Granted it is related to work, but it often brings me some joy and hope for the future.

My regards to all who are grieving a loved one this memorial day weekend.

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