Sunday, March 27, 2016

Trying to figure things out

I don't like days when you are supposed to feel a certain way. Well, i somewhat like Christmas, because i made my own celebration, which i happen to like.

But Easter, i mean, how could you not be happy remembering that Jesus rose from the dead.

Well, that's easy; there are other things going on. Sorting out all sorts of thoughts, some happy some sad. And the weather; sometimes it's cloudy and dark here, then other times the sun shines.

Tomorrow, i see a new psychiatrist. The last nurse practitioner, the latest med change is helping a lot. But the way she runs her practice, i can't just see her for med management; i have to see her for counseling, too. But i already have a counselor. So I'm trying this new (to me) psychiatrist. But then i try to figure out ahead of time how to condense all my mental illness experience and previous treatment into one hour; less than an hour once you take into account what he might say.

Actually, i should relax a bit; psychiatrists seem to have their own set of questions to get the part of the story they need.

I was thinking yesterday, what if i have to see psychiatrists and counselors for the rest of my life? Am i okay with that? Somehow, it's easier to accept being on medicating the rest of my life than needing to see specialists. My medication is pretty invisible. People i work with don't have to know about it. But scheduling around doctors visits and counseling appointments gets more difficult. Right now, i work early, so i have lots of time in the afternoon to schedule appointments. But what if i was teaching elementary school full time? Or worked a nine to five job? I would have to inconvenience my boss and/or co-workers. We could probably still make it work, but i hate asking for time off. And if the appointments are too frequent, i might need to explain (or risk them thinking I'm lying about so many appointments).

It's tough trying to figure out how to keep everything going; work, rent, possibly back to college, family, friends, doctor and counseling appointments, food, cleaning... Always wondering if i just changed my life in this way or that, would both the depression and anxiety finally leave? Emphasis on the "both."

I have a dream job. I usually just consider it a non-option and try to forget it. But every now and then, i remember it. And i wonder, if i really tried for my dream job, if i actually got it, would i feel better? Is part of my depression from squashing my dream? But the dream job is not exactly within reach. To get to it, I'd probably have to open multiple cans of worms. There would for certain be lots of stress getting to it, and probably even more stress keeping with it. It would involve relocating, many months of planning and preparation... And there might be pretty much no accommodations available for my mental illness. But my mental illness has yet to leave me for even two years at a time since i was a kid. What makes me think it would leave me now? That incorrigible hope that humans often have that isn't bound by reason? Hope is great and all, but even thinking of going for my dream stresses me out enough to make me lose ground in my recovery. That seems to me to be a dangerous dream.

So back to the present, i guess I'd better get a few things done before tomorrow, like finding my long list of attempted antidepressants. And I'd better stop trying to resolve all my questions in one night. It never works, although it has caused me to lose some quality sleep time.

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