Monday, June 26, 2017

homework with depression?

Well, I've spent many hours partially on homework. I know that sounds a bit off. But I haven't exactly been focusing the whole time. I've also been taking breaks to watch tv shows or videos or do anything that isn't homework.

They say depression influences your thinking and cognitive abilities. It is, therefore, an easy scapegoat if not an actual reason I am having trouble with my homework. I'm doing okay on facts. Give me a true/false or multiple choice question on anything I've read this past month, and I can likely get the answer right (unless you ask me which article the information is from). But to summarize what I've learned? Uhhhhhhhhhhh. I know it is about what the class title says it is about. But summarize everything? Most of that information is hiding behind a gray fog. So I can pull pieces out here and there, but do I really have a good summary?

And then there is the whole quality issue. Would it be devastating to get a bad grade on this paper? Do I care? And then there is the false dichotomy; either I want an A - or even a B - or I want out. Well, that makes sense. NOT! Oh, depression how I love - I mean loath thee. I guess I should try to imagine more end results. My paper gets 50 percent of possible points. I've gotten high enough grades in everything else for this class that - guess what; it doesn't matter! I still pass the course.

But just for a minute, let's consider the thought that seems so completely upsetting. What if I fail a class? Really, what if I fail? Would the people who have helped me pay my tuition want reimbursed? There was no such deal. I've given an honest try, and I'm not returning the money - mostly because I can't. Well, I'd have to re-take the class. How would I pay for that? Well, I could apply for a loan. Yuck. But hey, why not. I think I've still made Satisfactory Academic Progress, so that would still be an option.

And "worst case scenario" wins again. Failing a paper or a class wouldn't be so bad after all. Hopefully with some of the pressure gone, I can write better. And I need to stop trying to produce perfect work. It is not helping me!

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