Thursday, June 15, 2017

I don't like...

I'm just recovering from bronchitis. Last week passed in a blur. I worked most days, had a fever most nights, took lots of pain reliever/fever reducer medication, got the most essential schoolwork done, and watched Netflix. I was sick enough that OCD usually left me alone.

This week, I'm feeling better. Which means OCD/anxiety/depression re-enter the picture. The monsters. Today, I took off work to get more schoolwork done. And what do I do first off? I sleep through nearly the entire morning. It is quite probable that this sleep will help me get over bronchitis, thus not being a waste of time. But there is enough of a possibility that I wasted time that my anxiety has stepped in. What if sleeping in was the wrong choice? What if my boss would judge me for how I spent my time off? My coworkers? What if I don't get my homework done on time or turn in sloppy work because I wasted too much time? What if I was wrong to cancel seeing my friend with a very young baby? What if my cough isn't contagious? What if I'm just selfish wanting to get more homework done this afternoon? What if my friend reads this? I really do have a cough. I really don't think it is a bad idea to wait another week before hanging out with a very young baby. I really also want to get schoolwork done.

I don't like anxiety. I don't like being tired. I don't like coughing until my head aches and I fear I will gag. I don't like the feeling of a shadow hanging over my life.

I don't like wondering if I was wrong about the whole mental illness thing. I don't like wondering if it is just spiritual warfare and I should just be praying it off. I don't like feeling alone and cut-off because I'm not like my friends even though they think I am. I don't like wondering if I am making a cosmic mistake.

This is when I should start into gratitude stuff, I bet. Being thankful that I at least got the day off. That I got to sleep 12 hours. That my fever is gone. That according to the calendar, I'm half way done with this summer session. That somehow, things are going to work out again.

That is all probably true, but so is that I am behind on homework, ready for another nap, needing a shower (and those are something I almost always dread). Well, I'm off to stare at my homework again. Enjoy any sunshine that gets through your clouds.

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