visit to psychiatrist

Today, I saw my psychiatrist. He is an interesting man. He appears very, very sure of himself and also sure of my abilities. But somehow this just resulted in me feeling unheard.

When talking to a psychiatrist, I try to let down my guard to let them see in, let them know what is going on. Sometimes, they respond helpfully. But there are a few responses that I am not so fond of. Like, "You can't let that bother you in your line of work." Seriously? I give you an example of anxiety getting in my way at work, and you tell me I can't let it bother me? Well, you can't let your cough hurt your throat, doctor! (He had a cough today and said it bothered his throat. I wish I had thought of such a comment! Only, I don't know how he would respond to that kind of comment, so I guess it is just as well that I didn't.

He told me that he thinks people with OCD each have their unique method that they can escape their anxiety through. I said, so you don't believe in Exposure-Response Prevention. He was too smart for that. He knows ERP is the top dog. But he thinks that the escape method can be used to get away from the anxiety while you are preventing the response. I'm a bit suspicious that his escape might turn into a compulsion itself, but who knows.

But really, "You can't let that bother you?" Allow my sarcasm to respond: "So sorry, doctor, I let things bother me on purpose, because it is so much fun. I like spending the better part of an hour worrying about what I said, and then going back to it on and off throughout the morning. It just fills me with pleasure. In fact, I love feeling depressed, too. There is something about feeling like life is too hard and not having the energy to fight it that is just so pleasant. But now that you've solved my problem by telling me I can't let it bother me, why, I think I won't need any more medication. No-one has even suggested such a simple fix as to not let something bother me/not be anxious/not be depressed. It is a brilliant solution! The next time I get discouraged and start questioning life, I'll just remind myself of that simple little phrase; you can't let that bother you."

Well, he did clarify that he did not mean his escape method was easy. At least he recognized that. But he still seems to think I'm some sort of super hero in my ability to get rid of mental illness. Which begs the question, what is wrong with me that I am still struggling?

Last night, I dreamed that I went to my psychiatrist, but he had retired. Instead, I was going to see someone new who had taken his place. But then somehow it morphed into an inpatient program. I was getting ready to be discharged before I woke up. I think the one thing about inpatient programs that I sometimes wish for, well, isn't actually guaranteed in a residential setting, either. But I sometimes wish that I could just put aside all the to-dos and work and school/homework and focus on getting better.

Well, now I can't wait to speak to my counselor. Hopefully, she can help me make sense of this cluttered, chaotic world inside my brain, along with the doctor who believes he knows the solution.

Why do I still have mental illness? Maybe I haven't worked hard enough. But my counselor would disagree with that. She says I'm among the hard-working clients who do their homework. Speaking of homework, I have something due for a college class. So 'bye for now.

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