nowheresville
It has been almost a year since I have posted! It doesn't seem that long.
At this point, I have finished my masters degree (!) and am in that annoying transition time where I find out what I will (or won't) be doing with my degree as fall approaches. This particular anxiety is more of a human anxiety than a disorder. Of course I am anxious about looking for a job that would use my new degree. Who wouldn't be? (I'm sure there are some exceptional people who would not be so anxious, but I also do not think the anxiety is abnormal). Somehow, that has not made the anxiety much easier to handle.
Now, it is Saturday night, my house is a wreck, and I have slept more than I've been awake in the last 12 hours - or maybe it is close to even, but not the "healthy" 8 or 9 hours sleep to more awake time. I finally did a little cleaning - not much, but a little. Then I told myself that I could put up with myself. I can stand myself a little longer, because at least I picked up a few pieces of garbage. This irks me, because I do not want to find my value in doing things. And the reason for that is because I know that others have been in the position where they cannot do those things - I have been, too, to a limited extent. You don't want your self-esteem to plummet if you are unable to do things, whether a particular job or upkeep of your living area. I know this in my head, but I still struggle.
I think maybe I am too tired (!). I know I'm hungry. My digestive system is having a minor rebellion, so my eating is off. Granted, I was having a minor rebellion before my digestive system did, quite likely triggering it (I did not want to eat supper last night and settled for cold cereal, then forgot my a.m. meds because I did not wake up enough to take them as scheduled, then continued eating cereal for breakfast and lunch...).
Sometimes I'm in this strange place emotionally where I just don't know where I am. It irks me. I know I'm not happy, but I'm also not super depressed. It is like nowheresville mentally/emotionally. Not healthy, but not sick enough for convenient diagnosis or treatment. Maybe I should just be happy that I'm not more depressed or anxious.
Sometimes I get frustrated that the anxiety/OCD and depression still play such a big role in my life. People talk about the benefits; meeting other neat people you wouldn't otherwise meet, becoming more understanding and less judgmental of people who are struggling, etc. But I've met people and I've become more understanding. Can this be enough? Surely I will remember enough of my struggle to be a compassionate listener when someone else struggles. And I've already met lots of people through this. And surely I can meet more people around other commonalities, less depressing ones. So can this be enough?
At this point, I have finished my masters degree (!) and am in that annoying transition time where I find out what I will (or won't) be doing with my degree as fall approaches. This particular anxiety is more of a human anxiety than a disorder. Of course I am anxious about looking for a job that would use my new degree. Who wouldn't be? (I'm sure there are some exceptional people who would not be so anxious, but I also do not think the anxiety is abnormal). Somehow, that has not made the anxiety much easier to handle.
Now, it is Saturday night, my house is a wreck, and I have slept more than I've been awake in the last 12 hours - or maybe it is close to even, but not the "healthy" 8 or 9 hours sleep to more awake time. I finally did a little cleaning - not much, but a little. Then I told myself that I could put up with myself. I can stand myself a little longer, because at least I picked up a few pieces of garbage. This irks me, because I do not want to find my value in doing things. And the reason for that is because I know that others have been in the position where they cannot do those things - I have been, too, to a limited extent. You don't want your self-esteem to plummet if you are unable to do things, whether a particular job or upkeep of your living area. I know this in my head, but I still struggle.
I think maybe I am too tired (!). I know I'm hungry. My digestive system is having a minor rebellion, so my eating is off. Granted, I was having a minor rebellion before my digestive system did, quite likely triggering it (I did not want to eat supper last night and settled for cold cereal, then forgot my a.m. meds because I did not wake up enough to take them as scheduled, then continued eating cereal for breakfast and lunch...).
Sometimes I'm in this strange place emotionally where I just don't know where I am. It irks me. I know I'm not happy, but I'm also not super depressed. It is like nowheresville mentally/emotionally. Not healthy, but not sick enough for convenient diagnosis or treatment. Maybe I should just be happy that I'm not more depressed or anxious.
Sometimes I get frustrated that the anxiety/OCD and depression still play such a big role in my life. People talk about the benefits; meeting other neat people you wouldn't otherwise meet, becoming more understanding and less judgmental of people who are struggling, etc. But I've met people and I've become more understanding. Can this be enough? Surely I will remember enough of my struggle to be a compassionate listener when someone else struggles. And I've already met lots of people through this. And surely I can meet more people around other commonalities, less depressing ones. So can this be enough?
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