unreasonably rational

Wanting to write. I guess that's a good thing. :) Shall I write of the irony of medication? First, I suspect I am not abnormal in not going in to get medication until I was feeling like I couldn't handle it without medication. It being depression and/or anxiety and/or OCD. I came to this conclusion in part based on the fact that I was having trouble eating and sleeping. That is in itself depressing. So I get the medication, but I'm afraid of it, thanks at least in part to the OCD. So I took it, but worried about side-effects etc (and just plain dying because I took the medication. My OCD likes the simple "If _____, then I will die" formula. It can be used for any situation). So the first irony of medication for OCD is that we don't get them until we need them but it takes a couple weeks for them to start working. The second is that my OCD was afraid of taking medication and the medication wouldn't help that until a few weeks after I started taking medica...

I cleaned the bathroom. Well, really just part of it; I skipped some in the interest of saving time for the moment and being lazy for the moment. But as I cleaned, my brain had this rhythm going on. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." Interspersed with the counselor recommended, "Maybe yes, maybe no." This, she said, at least gave two possibilities instead of just the one extreme and unlikely fear. How exactly I progressed from fear of contaminating others to my death I'm not sure. I was going to get a fatal disease, pass it on, and then die. Despite the probability of that occuring being relatively close to 0. Maybe even zero, but then again, I can't be too sure about that. Other than that, I've taken up a great interest in Sudoku. And I'm pretty good at word searches. I skip the cross-word puzzles. Having a good vocabulary does not equal cross-word puzzling skill.

Yes, I drove to the library because I wanted to write on my blog. Nobody reads my journal and it is less lonely to write on my blog. Church. I grew up in church. I'm the daughter of a former church leader. I know how to go to Sunday school and the morning service. I know how to find verses with a concordance. And so on and so forth. So then I sit this morning listening, and I heard how people need God and try to meet that need other ways and end up in trouble. And I sat there knowing that I did have this relationship with God and still I was in trouble. I'm not saying I don't want this relationship. It's very important and I'm very excited for heaven. I just want help even though I already have this relationship with God. So then I feel like a selfish person wanting to hog people's attention (in church instead of just by blogging instead of journaling). I guess I'm missinterpreting again. Seems I'm good at that. In reality,... let's try and apply som...

Hope is such a lovely thing. I've been feeling a bit better, which is lovely. Gives me more insentive to work on exposures. I actually wanted to wear make-up again enough to buy new mascara (the same kind that worked before) and use it. Today I didn't wear it. Give my eyes a break. Make sure nothing terrible happens because I used it too much too fast. Okay, so the OCD is on it still. I guess I'll wear it tomorrow. But it's easier to do an exposure when it's doing something I want to do but haven't done for a while. It's exciting to feel like I'm getting my life back! And it's scarey because I'm afraid of the moment my happy bubble will burst. As if it will inevitably come. Well it probably will. And what's talking now? Depression? Anxiety? OCD? Oh, well. At least I can try to enjoy it (happiness) while it lasts.

Stop sign intersections. There's the kind of stop where people don't quite actually stop (this can result in the police pulling you over). There's the normal stop and go. And there's my OCD variation, which is to stop, look and inch forward and stop again (doubles the likelyhood that I actually completely stopped at least once), look and go. I wonder what the people behind me think. No, I don't always do it; I'm not that consistant. But I'm a bit nervous about the day when my counselor thinks I should start resisting OCD driving compulsions. I want to check in my rearview mirror as often as I want! (And stop twice at a stop sign if I feel the need.) Just in case I missinterpreted what I saw on the road. Just to make sure that was merely a pot hole or bump in the road. Just to stop obsessing until next time. Okay, but I do want to be less influenced by OCD. Mutually exclusive desires once again! Once I surprised a counselor. She gave me a look, like, "I ...