Thursday, August 12, 2010

Stop sign intersections. There's the kind of stop where people don't quite actually stop (this can result in the police pulling you over). There's the normal stop and go. And there's my OCD variation, which is to stop, look and inch forward and stop again (doubles the likelyhood that I actually completely stopped at least once), look and go. I wonder what the people behind me think. No, I don't always do it; I'm not that consistant. But I'm a bit nervous about the day when my counselor thinks I should start resisting OCD driving compulsions. I want to check in my rearview mirror as often as I want! (And stop twice at a stop sign if I feel the need.) Just in case I missinterpreted what I saw on the road. Just to make sure that was merely a pot hole or bump in the road. Just to stop obsessing until next time. Okay, but I do want to be less influenced by OCD. Mutually exclusive desires once again!

Once I surprised a counselor. She gave me a look, like, "I can't believe you just said that." And she made some comment about my cynicism. At which point I mixed that up with sarcasm in my mind (look, they both have "c"s and then "sm" at the end). At which point I assured her I was serious. I'm still annoyed that she was so surprised. She guessed that maybe I needed more time, because she said I had the right answers but she just didn't know why they weren't helping me feel better. So I'm not supposed to feel that way? I'm not supposed to be that angry/frustrated/upset? I guess I figured a counselor shouldn't be surprised. Maybe that's unfair of me.

I switched to a different counselor based on my research about OCD. I don't think I've shocked her yet, which is nice. She did, however, tell me that my emotional reaction to a cold/virus/sinus infection was out of proportion. That makes sense when I look back, but surprised me, too. It seemed so logical at the moment to be that depressed. But it's encouraging what she said about reaching a more stable, less depressed state of mind some time in the future.

In the mean time, I guess I'll try to follow some advice someone gave me about enjoying little things. I will plan on enjoying the dvd I'm getting from the library. And enjoy the clouds outside (okay, so THAT's a good feeling, much nicer than the previous "it's cloudy outside and I can't emotionally handle the lack of sunshine very well" feeling). And enjoy supper? Okay, maybe not so much. But eat it. And enjoy the hungry feeling; it's nice to be able to feel hunger. Enjoy the second hand purse I just bought? After I finish wondering if it was worth while and if I wasted my money and if I shouldn't have spent two dollars on a purse at this time in my life and if it's the wrong size and if it won't work out because it's the wrong size and if the stains are too obvious and if it will last well and if I wasted my two dollars - and I already talked about the two dollars. Okay, maybe LATER I'll enjoy my purse when I'm done being anxious about it. Now what was that about congnitive homework and labeling "thought distortions" and thinking more rationally? "What is the worst that could happen?" I'd waste two whole dollars and eleven cents. Okay, so I'm going to guess that the thought fallacy is catastrophism because I've concluded that a small thing was very terrible. Maybe I have the wrong name, though. Maybe my post will be as imperfect as my thrift store shopping trip, but as long as it is as much of a success (I did drop off four bags of give away in spite of all the anxiety about whether I was doing it right and I did go in and look at clothes, even if I didn't buy any) then I think it is worthwhile. For me at least. :) And you are responsible for choosing to read it or not, so let me post now.

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