Sunday, August 22, 2010

Yes, I drove to the library because I wanted to write on my blog. Nobody reads my journal and it is less lonely to write on my blog.

Church. I grew up in church. I'm the daughter of a former church leader. I know how to go to Sunday school and the morning service. I know how to find verses with a concordance. And so on and so forth. So then I sit this morning listening, and I heard how people need God and try to meet that need other ways and end up in trouble. And I sat there knowing that I did have this relationship with God and still I was in trouble. I'm not saying I don't want this relationship. It's very important and I'm very excited for heaven. I just want help even though I already have this relationship with God. So then I feel like a selfish person wanting to hog people's attention (in church instead of just by blogging instead of journaling). I guess I'm missinterpreting again. Seems I'm good at that. In reality,... let's try and apply some cognative theoropy type lessons... Um, REALLY the speaker wasn't saying that life has no troubles once a person becomes a Christian. Really, my conclusion that the speaker would think my anxiety and depression and OCD was really just because I wasn't a good enough Christian, that conclusion wasn't fairly reached. Really, I shouldn't assume he'd think that. I don't... I don't know quite what I think, but I think it's fine to get help, and I think people's brains can have problems of more physical and less spiritual nature. And wow, if I have to be "good enough" to get rid of OCD and anxiety and depression on my own, it's just not going to work. And I'm already "good enough" in God's eyes through Jesus Christ, so really, I don't need to worry about it.

Then there was my moment yesterday when I was at the store and started to panic at the thought of buying something besides raisin bran for my morning cereal. Like really? That much of a reaction? What's wrong with me? But then I read the second comment on my last post (read it today) and suddenly understand more clearly that even my getting upset over the problem can be part of the problem. So really, I kguess I shouldn't get so upset over being upset. It's just another mood or feeling or whatever. And later, I'll turn on a dvd or read a book and save myself from my thoughts for a bit longer. Avoidance. Oh, well.

Back to being with people today. Sometimes I do the Hi-how-are-you-i'm-fine thing. Talk about work and/or school and all that safe stuff. But once today, when faced with the what's new question, I opted for the more "dangerous" approach. "Well, I'm dealing with depression and anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so that's fun." (I like sarcasm. It might possibly sometimes be a sin to use sarcasm, but I think it's what you say or to whome you say it, not merely the fact that it is sarcasm that makes it wrong.) "And then I'm taking medication too and I don't feel good and I don't know if it's the medication or if I just have to wait it out for a few more weeks..." Okay, so the conversation didn't get too far past that, but it did feel good just to SAY it. And guess what? I don't think I was condemned. That's nice. A bonus.


  1. I'm glad that my comment made sense to you. It's hard to grasp at first--I really thought that it was necessary to interrogate myself every time I got anxious or stuck--it felt "true", like if I didn't, then something bad would happen. OCD makes ordinary things really hard--that's why it's called a disorder--and yeah, if I had to be "good enough" and do it all on my own, I'd be in trouble too!

  2. Interesting post! I struggle with wondering if I am a "selfish person wanting to hog people's attention," too. I have often been afraid that I was "hogging" my therapist's time when others might be more in need than I am. Or I have feared that I am complaining about nothing compared to what his other clients experience, so much so that even him telling me that my OCD was severe wasn't always enough to convince me that I deserved his help. All that aside, were someone else in my shoes, I doubt that I would question their need or right to treatment. This is one of the many uncertainties I've had to face in the process of treatment - getting help if I want it, even if I don't necessarily feel like I "deserve" it all the time.

    Anyways, seeking help and continuing to get it takes courage, especially when OCD latches on to that, too. Good for you for not insisting on doing it on your own and reaching out for help when you need it. OCD can be tricky to fight, and I know that getting help as been key to my recovery!