Yes, I drove to the library because I wanted to write on my blog. Nobody reads my journal and it is less lonely to write on my blog.
Church. I grew up in church. I'm the daughter of a former church leader. I know how to go to Sunday school and the morning service. I know how to find verses with a concordance. And so on and so forth. So then I sit this morning listening, and I heard how people need God and try to meet that need other ways and end up in trouble. And I sat there knowing that I did have this relationship with God and still I was in trouble. I'm not saying I don't want this relationship. It's very important and I'm very excited for heaven. I just want help even though I already have this relationship with God. So then I feel like a selfish person wanting to hog people's attention (in church instead of just by blogging instead of journaling). I guess I'm missinterpreting again. Seems I'm good at that. In reality,... let's try and apply some cognative theoropy type lessons... Um, REALLY the speaker wasn't saying that life has no troubles once a person becomes a Christian. Really, my conclusion that the speaker would think my anxiety and depression and OCD was really just because I wasn't a good enough Christian, that conclusion wasn't fairly reached. Really, I shouldn't assume he'd think that. I don't... I don't know quite what I think, but I think it's fine to get help, and I think people's brains can have problems of more physical and less spiritual nature. And wow, if I have to be "good enough" to get rid of OCD and anxiety and depression on my own, it's just not going to work. And I'm already "good enough" in God's eyes through Jesus Christ, so really, I don't need to worry about it.
Then there was my moment yesterday when I was at the store and started to panic at the thought of buying something besides raisin bran for my morning cereal. Like really? That much of a reaction? What's wrong with me? But then I read the second comment on my last post (read it today) and suddenly understand more clearly that even my getting upset over the problem can be part of the problem. So really, I kguess I shouldn't get so upset over being upset. It's just another mood or feeling or whatever. And later, I'll turn on a dvd or read a book and save myself from my thoughts for a bit longer. Avoidance. Oh, well.
Back to being with people today. Sometimes I do the Hi-how-are-you-i'm-fine thing. Talk about work and/or school and all that safe stuff. But once today, when faced with the what's new question, I opted for the more "dangerous" approach. "Well, I'm dealing with depression and anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so that's fun." (I like sarcasm. It might possibly sometimes be a sin to use sarcasm, but I think it's what you say or to whome you say it, not merely the fact that it is sarcasm that makes it wrong.) "And then I'm taking medication too and I don't feel good and I don't know if it's the medication or if I just have to wait it out for a few more weeks..." Okay, so the conversation didn't get too far past that, but it did feel good just to SAY it. And guess what? I don't think I was condemned. That's nice. A bonus.