Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hope

Hope is such a lovely thing.

I've been feeling a bit better, which is lovely. Gives me more insentive to work on exposures.

I actually wanted to wear make-up again enough to buy new mascara (the same kind that worked before) and use it. Today I didn't wear it. Give my eyes a break. Make sure nothing terrible happens because I used it too much too fast. Okay, so the OCD is on it still. I guess I'll wear it tomorrow. But it's easier to do an exposure when it's doing something I want to do but haven't done for a while. It's exciting to feel like I'm getting my life back! And it's scarey because I'm afraid of the moment my happy bubble will burst. As if it will inevitably come. Well it probably will. And what's talking now? Depression? Anxiety? OCD? Oh, well. At least I can try to enjoy it (happiness) while it lasts.

3 comments:

  1. I think it's great that you're re-discovering things you haven't done in a while! I can relate to the excitement of feeling like you're "getting your life back" and at the same time wondering what will happen next. OCD likes to throw a lot of challenges at me at those times, things like: "What if life really was better the way it was before, when you were severely limited by OCD? What if turns out I really do need to do the things I was doing to be an acceptable person? To be okay with myself?"

    That's when I have to be like, "Yeah, OCD, I was expecting this from you right about now, trying to steal the happiness of my victory. But you know what? I'm not going to try to reassure myself about any of these things right now. I'm not going to play your game. You cheat! I'm going to keep going and enjoy my life to the best of my ability! Sometimes it will good and sometimes it will not be so good. And sometimes, you might even be "right" after all. But as long as I am listening to you 24/7, I can't enjoy the good times at all. So taunt me all you want OCD, but I'm still in treatment. I'm still trying to get a taste of this non-OCD life, and until I give it a fair shot, I am going to try my best to move on with my life despite your nagging."

    That's just how I like to look at it anyway :). Glad to hear that you are starting to feel better. Wear that mascara and show your OCD that you don't care what it has to say! :)

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  2. Yay for putting on the mascara! Yeah, the OCD will be back, but I've found if I accept that it's pretty ingrained, and don't go through all my, "Why is it back? I knew this would happen. Will I ever get better?" and just say like Fellow Sufferer, "Yeah, OCD, I was expecting you about now. . ." I don't get as stuck.

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  3. Thanks, both of you, for the encouragement. The brain monster did return, of course, but why am I so suprized? I'll just keep going (but maybe a little slower, with a few backtracking side trips).

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