unreasonably rational

I rip up mail that I think is junk. I almost ripped up my new debit card's letter, thinking it was advertising for another credit card. And e-mail? If I don't know you, or if it is too long, sorry, I probably am not going to read the whole thing. Actually, being sorry sounds like too much effort, so maybe it's just a fact. But don't feel bad if I don't read your whole letter; you aren't the only one to have an e-mail skipped over - it doesn't even reflect how close you are to me. I went to work this morning to have my boss ask me part way through the day, "What's wrong? You don't seem right today." How should I answer that? One ear is plugged up and not hearing well? (But that's been all week.) So-and-so is crying? (Okay, that was probably legitamit except that so-and-so hadn't been crying all day.) But she keeps asking, "What's wrong?" So I'm trying to figure out what is different today than yesterday that should ...

I spent a copay that would have paid for gas for a week to see Dr. Allergy Specialist. Only to be given a prescription for a different nasal spray, get more details on the fact that I'm actually not allergic to dust or pets or mold (you know what that means? I don't have to clean my house any more!). And he told me that the one thing off from my blood work was that I was mildly anemic. "I don't know why that would be..." he said. And I'm thinking, I've had that off and on my whole life; I'm not surprised, except that in July, I was fine. So now I can dream of how much energy I might have if I wasn't a bit anemic. "You mean I might stop wanting to sleep 12 hours a day?" Yes, that was what he meant. So now I can search for suplements that don't cost a million dollars. But really, I've had it off and on, and I don't see so much difference between me with enough red blood cells versus me with less than the standard. I would blame ...

I'm not quite complient in my counseling sessions. I'll write down my exposure assignment, sure, but I'll also call it "intentional torture". I actually got my therapist to ask if I'd written down "intentional torture"! Which I hadn't, nor had I intended to get her to ask me that. Just the concept of ERP seems like intentionally giving myself a bad time. I know, it's supposed to result in a better future, but for the moment, it sounds like intentionally making myself miserable. But actually, the exposures weren't near as hard as I expected. I haven't re-checked the stove/oven after leaving it (okay, so I made sure twice that the burner was off before leaving the first time). I've been able to look the other way! When I left today, I told myself, the stove is probably on, and I didn't really believe myself, but I went on my merry way and didn't feel to anxious. I guess I could work up the anxiety by writing about it. "...

My plans got altered after my test Wednesday night. Because I wasn't feeling good. No support group meetings this week, and two days of work missed, and counseling missed, thanks to a stomach flu and a cold (the cold came first and seems to be leaving last). This is actually my first venture back into the outside world, away from my home. And my stomach and I still aren't getting along, but we seem to have a hard time making up with each other after the flu. I get scared of eating. As if I didn't have enough reasons not to eat and to feel scared. Oh, well. On a possitive note, I had a pretty good week, depression-wise. If I could have immagined what meds working would feel like, it would feel like this (only I'd like a tad more help with depression and a lot more help with anxiety, but this is a great start). My suicidal ideation misteriously and suddenly decreased very significantly, making life much more bearable. The sicknesses have set me back a bit, and I knew I ne...

Somebody else wrote on their blog about motivation. I'm having trouble there. And with lots of other things. Like a dry mouth. I mean really dry. I mean, stop reading several times in the middle of the end of the book to drink more water so your throat doesn't dry out - type dry. It's dry even now during the day! And I'm tired of drinking water. So there. Then there's the new worry about side effects since I'm fairly new on dosages of two medications (hence, the irritating dry mouth). I wonder, do I have "side effects" because I'm afraid of them, or do I really have a problem? Like my hands slightly shaking sometimes. And at night, I twitch sometimes. Maybe I did that before medications, but I'm not sure. Last evening, I was pretty positive I'd forgotten my morning meds for the past two days, but when I counted out the antibiotic, I hadn't forgotten it. And one of those mornings, I had actually recorded the fact that I took the medicati...