Saturday, March 5, 2011

Somebody else wrote on their blog about motivation. I'm having trouble there. And with lots of other things. Like a dry mouth. I mean really dry. I mean, stop reading several times in the middle of the end of the book to drink more water so your throat doesn't dry out - type dry. It's dry even now during the day! And I'm tired of drinking water. So there.

Then there's the new worry about side effects since I'm fairly new on dosages of two medications (hence, the irritating dry mouth). I wonder, do I have "side effects" because I'm afraid of them, or do I really have a problem? Like my hands slightly shaking sometimes. And at night, I twitch sometimes. Maybe I did that before medications, but I'm not sure. Last evening, I was pretty positive I'd forgotten my morning meds for the past two days, but when I counted out the antibiotic, I hadn't forgotten it. And one of those mornings, I had actually recorded the fact that I took the medication, and then totally forgot it. I don't like having a less reliable memory. And I stopped taking lorazepam because a.) I could still have decent trouble sleeping while I took it, and b.) I had previously experienced memory trouble when taking that. But I'm not taking it any more and my memory isn't being nice. And my hands are slightly shaking. And my mouth is dry. Okay, so now I'm starting to sound like a sad, repetetive song.

Lets add another verse! What if!... (famous first words - of ocd) What if last night, I had hallucinations. What if! That would be scarey. If it's true, let me go ahead and have an anxiety attack about it since that would surely help (yes, I'm being sarcastic). I would dream/think at the almost dreaming state, and then suddenly be moving my hand as if I was cleaning the child's face off as I was in my thought/dream (common occurance in my job), or reaching for the hook I clearly saw in my dream, only to wake up and see the blank wall. This is not normal for me! But is it that different from sleepwalking, which is not hallucinating? I could research. :) That's like an open invitation to ocd. No, I think I'll finish my post and go shopping for a sensory/stress reducing goofy looking ball or animal with flimsy rubbery spikes/extensions all over. My therapist recommended it over shaking my foot throughout my 2.5 hour class (except when I intentionally stopped and tried something else). (But this helped me understand why I was SOOO tired by the end of class; my foot would have gone far if it had been walking.)

Oh, speaking of which, what about this restless leg syndrome (or whatever it's called) side affect? Do I have it because I get anxious and try to get the energy out by shaking my foot? I could research that, too. Or wait until my psychiatrist appointment that's coming up really soon.

Soooo, I'm anxious with energy, having wierd dreams/actions, having tremors or whatever those little tiny shakingnesses are called, my mouth is dry, and I have neither a partridge nor a pear tree.

But, I am taking two college classes and not failing either of them.

And I am sleeping most of the night.

And I am eating three meals a day (even if one of them sometimes looks more like a snack).

And I am listing good things about myself and trying for that "positive thinking" goal.

And I am enjoying shopping for that toy.

And I like this pattern, but I think I'll stop now.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, I hate that state of not knowing if a symptom is because of the med or because I'm worrying about the med! And then my urge to research gets really strong. I remind myself that no research will have my name on it, and tell me the exact state of my mind, but I so wish one did. I like your ending pattern too! Very cool stuff! It's ok to write about what you like, and what you enjoy, and what you are accomplishing, no matter what the what ifs say!