unreasonably rational

I find myself poised to procrastinate. Actually, I'm already putting things off, the question being how thoroughly I will procrastinate. Will I convince myself to attend this social event late, or will I hide out with my computer, some lame excuse about doing homework (the class website is open in another tab), and my own weariness and desire for comfort. SSRI #4 seems to bring with it extra tiredness (funny how quickly I forget that I was exhausted before I even started SSRI #4). I crashed around 4 pm for an hour and a half nap. That was nice. But sleep doesn't seem to take away this weariness. What I need to do is go over to the coffee shop and show up at "Deaf Coffee Night." I need this for one of my classes. But I've never gone before. What do I do, just show up and interrupt? Pull out my Puerto Rican accented, Utah State University "educated" ASL skills and hope I don't sign any swear words on accident? Bring along my OCD brain so that it can ...

Yesterday, I was unbelieveably happy. Probably had something to do with the big blue sky and warmer weather. Even non-depressed people seemed revived by the weather. Then, also, there were a few times when I felt close to depression and close to a happier outlook. For the day, I was able to switch to the happier side. Hurray! But that was yesterday. Today? Tired. Work was remarkably peaceful, compared to what could have been. But I was still stressed by the end. Then I wanted to sleep, but convinced myself that I'd rather play computer games. (I'm into one that's like Memory, but timed. I like to think that all the matching and remembering where things are is growing my brain in a healthy way.) Now I think that might have been not the most ideal choice. Then I finished putting together my beloved new bookshelf. It even looks good! (But OCD still has a finger in there questioning if it was a sin to buy the bookshelf, and is it okay to enjoy something that maybe I shouldn...

Today I slept until four minutes until I was supposed to take a test 10 minutes away. But it was at a testing center, not in a classroom. I called and got permission to come in half an hour late. Still finished the test well within what the time limit would have been had I started on time. The teacher gives two hours for tests that usually take me less than half an hour. Because I either know it or I don't know it. Multiple choice (I love multiple choice). Sign language tests where I have to record myself signing... I can take longer on those (but they aren't proctored, so I can choose my own start time and place). Mostly, today, I slept. Not sure why. After my test was over around 11:00 am, I went shopping at three places, bought one thing, then went home, ate one cookie, and slept another three or more hours. I wasn't feeling good. Possibly a bug from work. More likely due to not getting enough sleep. Also possibly related to either the medication I'm getting off or...

I'm wondering how many times I've written about this. I could call it "stigmatism" issues. Only the spell checker doesn't like the word and is suggesting I write about my eyes and the problem one of them has (an astigmatism). I could call it "scrupulosity," which might not be quite accurate, but then again might be a little accurate. I could call it... I could forget a title, and just write about it (brilliant!). I was just reading http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/03/they-just-dont-get-it.html and http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/03/depression-its-spiritually-incorrect.html , and reading some of the comments. People say things to people with depression, and people with depression feel hurt. Simple. Then there is the battle that goes on in my brain. I care what "people" say, but why? Why do I feel hurt inside when I'm told things like, "everybody feels that way," or, "if you really trust God and obey Him, ...

Thursday, I saw my counselor. Not my happiest visit. I was being trouble and I knew it, so I tried to switch tracks and go right out and say my problem instead of arguing with her questions. I didn't have motivation to do anything about my depression, (aside from seeing the psychiatrist and taking my meds). She said, "That is a telling statement." She said that in that case, it would be harder, but she couldn't leave me where I was; she'd have to push or pull me out of where I was. That bothered me, not because she would push or pull, but that she would have to. I have taken some pride in the fact that I have actively fought my OCD and depression (even if it was in small actions). But I didn't want to anymore. Looking back, over the conversation, she did rouse some sort of desire to actively fight, but I was pretty discouraged to have needed to have such a conversation. I also had showed her a picture I made about how I deal with a certain OCD thought. She a...

I seem to have gotten a cold. I was hoping that my observing that I have to do for school would be canceled today, but no, it's still on. Nonetheless, reading and commenting on another person's post has me feeling better, so I'll go ahead and post on my own blog, too. My depression was getting quite irritating Monday, but I got sick with this bug on Tuesday, which offset the depression. Sometimes when I get sick, the depression slides down the priority chain while I'm distracted by my immediate physical symptoms as well as by the daze or fog that tends to accompany such a cold. I did exercise Monday, though. It was exercise done out of frustration, but at least the frustration fueled something helpful. I'd better go eat and put on my "I'm okay" face for a few more hours (tried to keep it on at work, but my voice is all croaky, betraying me). (Try raising your voice enough to be heard by noisy toddlers and... sounding bad, but still hardly being l...

Today, when I went online to see what state my online classes were in, I was relieved to discover that I don't have anything due tomorrow! This is nice considering I probably had three or more hours of work to get what I thought was due completed. Three hours doesn't sound so bad when it is stated alone like this. That thirty minutes has to be done in a conversational setting makes it a bit more complicated... And there are decisions to make for writing up an observation, because my professor kindly answered my questions about what parts of my observation "counted" for my report by giving me some advice and concluding with instruction to "use your judgement." My OCD and I should have fun with that. Speaking of OCD and my schoolwork, my counselor suggested that I use time limits to reduce the time that OCD issues with plagiarism/lying eat up. She suggested a timer for my slow, perfectionist cleaning, as well (last week, I took at least an hour and a half to...

I wrote out my nice little list for the day before going to sleep last night, but I did think to myself that I just might have a normal Wednesday, reading a book until almost the last minute and then dashing to the library for my sign language lab. Well, it happened. I got home from work and was soon reading a Love Inspired romantic suspense novel. I did manage to convince myself to call the psychiatrist today instead of putting it off for tomorrow or Friday. I did actually make myself a sandwich. And I read until I needed to leave for my sign language lab. Seems like there is some kind of mental block between me and exercising. It keeps not happening. Anyway, the Dr. called back. We had raised my dose of venlafaxine two weeks ago, and he wanted me back in three weeks, but said if I couldn't come until four, then I should call him around two weeks. The schedule was too busy for me to come back in three weeks since I wanted a half hour visit, not a fifteen minute visit (the half h...

Tina's response to my last post (thanks!) got me thinking. Do I put things off because of the anxiety that will likely come with it? And then I took my American Sign Language expressive test that was due today. I read the English sentence, translate it into sign language, and record it through my webcam. But I was recording things over and over and over. I'd watch myself and think, my expression wasn't good enough, or, I hesitated there, or, I signed that too fast. I'd keep re-recording, feeling frustrated and upset, wondering if the depression showed in my eyes. But then I started thinking about OCD, thinking that maybe it was having more fun than I was aware of. Maybe OCD was secretly manifesting itself in my schoolwork. So I tried to only record things once or twice. Or three times... On one, I saved it without even watching it. That's something I do when writing an English paper. If it has too much anxiety involved, I won't re-read it; I'll just send i...

Seeing my counselor, my momentary opinion of myself fluctuated based on what I interpreted her to be saying. She'd say, “And you had to deal with that all weekend?” And I'd feel strong, because I had dealt with it all weekend, and fairly well, in my opinion. She said, “You need to just make yourself clean your guinnea pig's cage, because you have to start to get things moving again.” And I felt like a lazy slob. If only I had used a little self discipline and made myself do something, I wouldn't feel so bad, and my house wouldn't be a wreck. If it was that simple, what was wrong with me that I hadn't gotten it fixed? That made it seem so insurmountable? I even tried to express this thought, asking if she meant that if I started, I'd get my whole house (apartment) cleaned, laundry done, pet's cage in beautiful order. She said, no, I might just get my pet's cage cleaned, and then I “should reward myself.” She said I still needed to start because other...