Sunday, March 11, 2012

rambling...

Today, when I went online to see what state my online classes were in, I was relieved to discover that I don't have anything due tomorrow! This is nice considering I probably had three or more hours of work to get what I thought was due completed. Three hours doesn't sound so bad when it is stated alone like this. That thirty minutes has to be done in a conversational setting makes it a bit more complicated... And there are decisions to make for writing up an observation, because my professor kindly answered my questions about what parts of my observation "counted" for my report by giving me some advice and concluding with instruction to "use your judgement." My OCD and I should have fun with that.

Speaking of OCD and my schoolwork, my counselor suggested that I use time limits to reduce the time that OCD issues with plagiarism/lying eat up. She suggested a timer for my slow, perfectionist cleaning, as well (last week, I took at least an hour and a half to clean my bathroom - but I didn't do it all at once; I divided it into pieces). She asked what I thought about a timer. I said I didn't like the idea. She seemed to take that as me saying no, though I wasn't exactly saying that. I was stating a preference, well, a strong preference. A timer seems to me like a ready way to turn up the anxiety level, though my counselor was hoping it would reduce my procrastination by making the task more reasonably sized.

Wow, I'm not even super hungry, but my brain is having issues that I would usually blame on that. I have that "sense" that my paragraphs aren't making very good sense. I can re-read them, and they seem okay, but I'm just not sure, because I feel like I can't keep the whole paragraph in my mind at the same time. Let's see; I could blame it on depression-caused lack of concentration, or I could put it in the OCD obsessing and checking and reviewing category, or I could leave it unclassified, which seems a bit messy, just like my writing seems.

Today, I have an amazing amount of tiredness. I felt it Friday evening, when I tried to dance in my living room for a little bit. My first try, I got tired out earlier than I normally would have in the past. Evidence that I'm not just making it up when I say that my energy is lower. Then Saturday, I resorted back to my "eat breakfast and go back to bed" method - it worked quite well. But I used the sleeping in to justify staying up late, and now it is Sunday and I am tired.

The depression has been irritating. Lack of energy, sometimes slight nausea, depressed thoughts, illogical anxiety, blah, blah, blah. Today, I dropped off some clothing I didn't want anymore to a thrift store drop off spot. Was rather upset after that short experience, because I felt like I had done something wrong, despite assuring myself that the man who received my "donation" wasn't upset with me at all. I felt that I hadn't done it right (as if there is a scripted way one must drop things off - the script doesn't include rain, and I'm sure doing it in the rain was a fault of mine).

My gloom continued into the library, until I came across some miraculous solution for depression on the Internet. Though I usually remain quite skeptical about such solutions, today it gave me hope. Whatever. I'll take a bit of extra hope, even if the solution doesn't ever do me any other good. Hope is a pretty nice gift after all. Somewhat miraculous, even.

Perhaps I should consider letting the anemia watchers know that I'm feeling weak. But then they might ask me to come in and get my blood tested. And then they would charge me however many million dollars such a test would cost (and I'm just talking about the co-pay here), and chances are pretty good that they would choose to conduct multiple tests at the same time, upping the price tag. Alternatively, I could continue blaming my brain chemestry. Sounds cheaper for the moment.

Yesterday, I played a computer game alot. In some ways, that seems very dumb to me, like a lousy use of time. On the other hand, it is about as effective as sleep in shutting up my depressed thoughts for a moment. That's pretty nice. I actually enjoyed it, despite the general gray cloud clinging to me this weekend. I like enjoying things.

I talked to my counselor about my being afraid I'm just making my problem up, or having unrealistic expectations with the whole medication thing. But she says that she can tell that I'm not feeling so well. She said that usually, when I'm feeling better, I have more energy. It is kind of a releif to know that my counselor can tell when I'm feeling worse by looking at me. Sometimes my depression seems particularly invisible, but it seems that it isn't to her.

I was thinking about when I was hospitalized a year and a half ago. It is finally making sense to me that I was there then (at least in part) because I wasn't as experienced in dealing with this persistant, deeper depression. My staying out of the hospital doesn't mean that I haven't been in as much pain since then. It means that I have learned that I can handle more pain without endangering my life. I've wished to go back to the hospital, but I think the biggest reason I still sometimes almost wish that is because I want something to change fast. But really, it takes longer than a short hospital stay to figure out what the right medication(s) and doses are. Really, my doctor and I are working on my getting better, but now we can work on it without my incurring thousands of dollars of debt in hospital bills (or re-experiencing the less-pleasant side of being in the psych unit). If my depressed thoughts and feelings go in the wrong direction and get too strong/I start believing them too much, I might go back someday. It can be the best option. But thankfully, I don't need it now.

2 comments:

  1. Abigail, One of the things my therapist wants me to try is to limit the time I spend on writing and editing for work. I think it will spike the anxiety if I have an actual timer, but I think, in my case, it will be worth it because I hope it will help me to break through the avoidance I practice when it comes to writing or doing an assignment. I avoid it because I know it's going to take me a long time because I'm going to be checking, double-checking, etc. Anyway, I've tried a it a little bit, just going by the clock on my computer, but I think using a timer or alarm will work better. I will try it, hopefully tomorrow, my main "writing day" at work, and let you know how it goes.

    I'm sorry you're having energy issues. Does your counselor think you should have your blood count tested? Or does she think it's depression and/or medication connected?

    I'm glad you had the pleasant surprise of finding out there were no assignments due tomorrow. I hope that makes the day easier for you. Take care, and I will be thinking about you!

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  2. Abigail, I told you I would let you know how using a timer with my writing went. I used it some last Monday while I worked on my stories for work, with mixed results. It was good for me to not leave the time I spent on a story open-ended, but I also had not factored in the interruptions I would get while I worked on the story (phone calls, someone in the office talking to me, etc.). I also need to establish how long it should take me to do a particular story--then I can better time it.

    Anyway, I'm going to keep on trying with the timer . . .

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