Monday, March 26, 2012

Yesterday, I was unbelieveably happy. Probably had something to do with the big blue sky and warmer weather. Even non-depressed people seemed revived by the weather. Then, also, there were a few times when I felt close to depression and close to a happier outlook. For the day, I was able to switch to the happier side. Hurray!

But that was yesterday. Today? Tired. Work was remarkably peaceful, compared to what could have been. But I was still stressed by the end. Then I wanted to sleep, but convinced myself that I'd rather play computer games. (I'm into one that's like Memory, but timed. I like to think that all the matching and remembering where things are is growing my brain in a healthy way.) Now I think that might have been not the most ideal choice. Then I finished putting together my beloved new bookshelf. It even looks good! (But OCD still has a finger in there questioning if it was a sin to buy the bookshelf, and is it okay to enjoy something that maybe I shouldn't have bought.) Then I rearranged my bedroom. It's looking good except for all the displaced stuff cluttering it. Then I tackled the OCD-inhibited schoolwork.

You know that yucky feeling that you have to make a decision and the OCD is involved so it's a loose-loose situation? I had to make some choices for this schoolwork. Counting time spent observing versus discounting time that the observed person wasn't sufficiently engaged in what I was supposed to be watching. OCD says, don't count too much time; that would be a lie (carry it to it's terrible conclusion? Discredits my whole degree. That's probably more likely than my teacher calling me on counting too much time). Tired me says, but count enough time. I don't want to do extra work. So we fought it out, and I've sent my paper in, after rereading the e-mail with directions about what to count and what not to. The directions weren't very clear, at least not for my OCD. Sigh. Some things land in the grey and still have to be recorded in black or white.

But the anxiety set off my avoidance. Which set off more computer games. Which I kept not winning. Which didn't help the depression that was already stressed with anxiety. So today was a normal day, not a spectacular, unbelieveably happy day.

I guess that's okay. Normal is okay (even if long term I want changes). And I did get things done. Not everything. Not the kitchen floor that needs mopped. But hey, I don't think my roommate mopped it last time, either.

I'm getting a new room-mate, hopefully. And I don't want to tell her that I have depression and OCD. I think I wont tell her right now. (OCD - shut up. Leave off the "are you lying" game.) It shouldn't really affect her much.


  1. Abigail. I'm glad you had a happy day yesterday. You're right--normal is OK too.

    I love "Some things land in the grey and still have to be recorded in black and white." I have conversations with myself about what the right thing to write/do is like you do. Sometimes the task we're doing or the form we're filling out does not lend itself to an OCD way of thinking. I just consider it exposure therapy! :-)

  2. You're right about OCD - there never is any winning no matter what direction you look at.

    Enjoy your bookshelf! Good for you for putting it together too. I'm so un-handy that I'm not sure I could have done that. I love bookshelves too. More room for precious books. Aaah.

    I know what you are talking about as far as school work and feeling like it would be a lie. I struggled with that too. I'm glad you were able to submit it and be done with it.

    I'm glad you had a good day yesterday. There will be more good days. You just wait and see. : )

  3. Yep, I know that yucky feeling that you have to make a decision and the OCD is involved so it's a loose-loose situation.

    And as far as your roomate, tell your OCD that there is a difference between keeping private things private and lying.