Wednesday, October 23, 2013

It's throwing me off a little

I called my counselor today. I had an appointment scheduled for two weeks from today, but I finally decided it was worth calling her to see if I could get in next week. I briefly mentioned having a former student of mine pass away, and that it was throwing me off a little. Thankfully, she is able to get me in next Tuesday.

See, in many ways, I'm just fine. I work, I... Okay, so work is the most normal thing in my life now. I enjoy my job still. I enjoy my kids. Etc. Of course, there is, um, challenges sometimes, too, when you work with toddlers. So I get that, too. Let me assure you that I get plenty frustrated some moments.

Then there is the rest of my life. There is eating. There is upset stomach. Really? Couldn't you just settle down. My life is hard enough right now. And there is budgeting, which always seems to turn around and give me eating issues. I don't want to "waste" my money. So then I think, I have extra weight right now. I don't need to buy such-and-such food. That works until I get too hungry, and then I have to change plans. Of course, right now, I'm kind of anti-eating. I still eat all three meals and some snacks, so don't worry. I just think eating is a nuisance.

Then there is sleeping. First off, I am forever tired, day in, day out. Secondly, I don't go to bed. Until late. So that would not help the tiredness issue. But yeah, getting myself to get up and go to bed seems to be my biggest issue right now.

There is cleaning my apartment. Or rather, not cleaning it. I did clean up one corner of my room. It looked pretty good. Of course, now the garbage bag and bag of grocery bags are getting fuller and fuller. Because taking out the garbage is too much work. Of course, it has been for a good while. I've actually done laundry recently, so that is pretty good for me.

There is schoolwork. Like the paper I turned in today. I needed to write a page on the biggest two issues facing children with hearing loss. So I did. I rambled on. I wrote it straight out of my brain, as opposed to trying to research it. (It wasn't a research paper, though. It was simply "a paper," so I decided to write an opinion response paper.) I actually turned it in by eight o'clock this evening, which is another impressive act. It was due tonight, but I was expecting I would finish closer to nine.

Let's see. That pretty much covers it.

You know that song, "You are my sunshine"? It was played at the memorial service for my little former student. I have it on a CD at work. I sing it while I put my toddlers to bed for nap. And I...

Well, sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I want to show friends the child's picture. Sometimes I don't quite know what I feel. I'd like to get through whatever the process of grief is quick, so I could get back to my normal life. Yet, I'm sure not ready to forget my little child.

And I'm praying for the family, which makes use of my troubling thoughts, yet is emotionally taking its toll. Who knew that praying for people was such a burden? Because there's the child's family, then another friend of mine had two friends die, so prayers for her and her husband, then another friend was in the hospital... It is just so sad.

Well, I'd better eat something so that I have a chance at sleeping sooner (hunger can keep me awake). And turn on music besides "You are my sunshine" to get my thoughts into lighter places so that I can relax and fall asleep.


  1. It sounds to me like you're working through your feelings in a pretty normal and healthy way. I'm glad you can see the counselor next week.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss...the loss of a child is always a tragedy..grieving takes time. Glad you will see your counselor soon.