Saturday, October 5, 2013

Nothing like coupling recovering from the second stomach flu in a month with an overwhelming class assignment due in several hours to bring on depressed thinking. Remember that HALT acronym, Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. I don't know who invented it; it wasn't me. But I've got Hungry down since I'm low on food since my stomach is just starting to accept food again after rejecting it thoroughly on Thursday. Then add some Angry - an assignment I'm a bit mad at myself for not doing earlier. And then, if anger doesn't need to logical a reason, how about I just say I'm mad that I'm in school, mad that I feel stuck in school because I am unwilling to drop out (i.e., I choose to finish), mad that bachelor's degrees are seen as so important and that I went along with it enough to try and get one, mad that I don't know the information for the class better, basically mad at myself since I don't think it is fair to be mad at the instructor for this assignment that actually requires some effort. Add in lonely... I've been hibernating with my lovely flu, with the exception of working yesterday afternoon. And then put in TIRED in capital letters, because getting over an illness plus lack of food plus having to work on schoolwork plus working a full time job generally equals a good bit of tiredness by the weekend.

I see my counselor this coming week. And I'm really glad. And really tired. And if she was the sort of person who said "I told you so," then she could. Because working full time and taking classes is rough. I'm just... tired. I get to see my psychiatrist next week, too, because that is how the schedules finally worked out. What will I tell him? Probably that I'm doing okay except that I'm really tired and I hate the clouds (which thankfully are taking a break this weekend so far) and the darkness and being "weak" enough that the stress of working a full time job alongside schoolwork leaves me tired. Even though I know it would leave anyone tired. Actually, I'll probably skip that last part, because it sounds a little stupid to me. I'm tired because I am doing something tiring.

Well, maybe when I eat more, I'll feel better.

But then there is the post-flu eating issue: will I feel sick if I eat such-and-such. And right now, the answer seems to mostly be yes. Yes, I'll feel sick, but not so sick as to throw up, and I need the stupid food, so eat it anyway! How is that for my current weight loss plan - a plan that has gone on hold due to the lovely stomach flu.

Well, let me go back to my case study and arguing in what seems like it might be a slightly stupid way since I'm not Super-Know-It-All-High-A-Student in this class and I don't know everything. I get to argue about hearing aids. Not my specialty, but you have to take a bit on audiology to get a Communication Disorders degree. It is actually interesting, and would be more so if I was just more positively motivated (telling myself, "You idiot, why don't you hurry up and write something stupid so you can turn the paper in" isn't positively motivating even if it is still very slightly motivating) and perhaps feeling better and had more time and again, cared about it more.

I will say that I like trying to use jargon, which is basically what you aren't supposed to do. But I still forget too much of the jargon, which is then hard to look up without going back to the lectures. Thus, my jargonized sentences must be cut short. Oh, well. Back to the assignment.

4 comments:

  1. Oh Abigail! Sounds like you are having a bad week. : (

    College IS hard. I sure had times I felt like that too. Adding the stomach flu to that sure doesn't help. Hang in there, you'll get through this.

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    1. Thanks, Sunny. Things got better, especially once I got the paper turned in and more food in me. :)

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  2. Abigail, You have had a hard week, I can tell. Working FT and going to school is tiring, and add being sick and I can see why you feel hungry and angry and overwhelmed. Sometimes what works for me is to break things down into one thing at a time. One thing at a time. Hope you feel better soon!

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    1. Thanks, Tina. Once I got my paper turned in, things started looking better. That "One thing at a time" advice is so helpful; I forget it after a while, but it is always good for when I get overwhelmed.

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