Sunday, March 15, 2015

my lame, sad story (depression plus medication side effects)

Wow, it's been months since I've posted. I started a new ssri this fall, worked up to the maximum dosage the Dr. would prescribe for me, still rated in the moderately depressed range (well, i had one good week, but evening it out with the week before, i still landed in moderate), and now I'm getting off that ssri and on a new antidepressant. This one is new enough that it is not available as a genetic, at least not in my country.

This one also has the super-power of making me feel like i have a mild case of the flu while permitting me to not be contagious. In other words, it makes me nauseous and slightly dizzy at times. And exhausted, although i don't know if that is from the medication or the depression that the medication is supposed to treat. In other words, unpleasant side effects.

And how am i? Grumpy. Why did the depression have to come back. I mean, my past run-ins with depression were long enough. I had gotten better enough to hope that i was past the medication trial and error game.

And then here i am, starting on yet another antidepressant, which is making me feel sick. The migraines we not fun with previous medications, but this is pretty bothersome, too.

In short, the nice happy facade that i like to keep up, it is crumbling. I'm ready to complain about my stomach and my depression and how unfair and upsetting this is.

Only I'm not good at sharing that. So i guess my smile is still making plenty of appearances. Not even fake; i am glad to see people. I do want to hear about their life.

But i really, really want to feel better. Really, really, really. Really!

But maybe i run out of words before i run out of feelings. "I feel bad. No, really, i feel bad. Did i tell you? On top of the depression, i have side effects that feel bad."

But what more is there to say? Whoever I'm talking to can't fix it. Well, except my doctor can and did tell me to go back to a lower dose. So maybe, hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

But I'll still have to wake up tomorrow morning and go to work. Do you know how hard that is? Kind of like opening a can of food with a can-opener is hard. Yup, that is how lame my depression gets. Or i get in the face of my depression,

But it will get better. It has before, so it will again, right? Thanks for listening to my sad story. Hopefully i will have a happier one before long.


  1. There is nothing worse, then going through hell of depression. You wake up each day, not knowing if you will make it
    'till night, or you will simply give in, and end it all yourself. The drugs sometimes help, and sometimes make it worse.
    Felt like I had no control whatsoever over my own life. It took me a while, but I managed to teach myself how to push trough the day, and keep on fighting.
    In the end, it all comes down to helping yourself get up and fight, because without that no one can truly help you, no matter how much they would want to.
    To conclude, help yourself, so you could go out into the world, and start truly living, and that will be a cure on it's own.

  2. Oh Abigail I'm so very sorry. Depression has made a strong recurrence in my life as well and I understand how mentally exhausting it all is. Hang on. It won't always be this way for you or for me. We can make it through this. Hugs.

  3. Ugh, I'm so sorry. It's nice to see you posting again, although I wish it were for a happier reason.