unreasonably rational

Well, i got a new-to-me car. And got my old car fixed. And I'm exhausted. The car search distracted me from my regular depression and anxiety. So now that I'm done, my old, familiar thoughts slowly filter back. At first they are like going back home or getting my old car back. They are normal, and i can actually recognize my life with them around. Then they slowly shift back to being irritating. That's just depressed thinking. Or, that's just my anxiety. Which leads to my more typical weariness as opposed to the weariness of finding and bargaining for a car, a situation that i knew would bring stress to even the most mentally healthy person out there. This morning, i got that trembly feeling that sometimes accompanies medication changes (or even taking medication late, which could be the explanation this time since i slept in). I cold hold my relaxed hand up and watch my fingers move slightly of their own accord. I find this exhausting. Maybe because i fight it, mayb...

I'm waiting to feel hungry for supper, but i keep eating more Easter candy. Somehow i think I'm working against myself here. The latest SNRI might possibly be working. It for sure seems to make me tired and more able to fall asleep. And then there is the monkey wrench. My dear old car broke. To the unsafe-to-drive point. To the point where the mechanic and my brother-in-law both suggest i begin looking for a new car. Now, my car is a very important part of my normal. It gives me the freedom to leave my apartment whenever i choose. It carries a collection of items that i either never brought into my apartment or that i intentionally keep in my car in case i need them while I'm out. But I'm looking to replace my car now. So part of me wants to search for this car with the tenacity of an obsessive compulsion.and another part of me wants to forget about it (avoidance, anyone?). And instead, I'm trying to strike a balance between searching for a car and giving my...

Words from Bill Gaither's song, "Because He Lives," are pretty popular among my Facebook friends right now. "Because he lives I can face tomorrow..." Basically, if i was a believer without depression or anxiety, it would be a lovely song. It still is a lovely song, but if I were to rewrite it today, it would go more like, " 'Because He Lives,' i will drag myself out of bed tomorrow even when i won't want to. Because he lives, I'll choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other, however slowly, but i won't quit, at least not permanently. And I'm going to trust Him despite all my feelings to the contrary and even feeling mad at Him, knowing that on some unforeseeable day in the future, either here or in heaven, my depression will lift and I'll be better able to appreciate that Jesus is alive again. I think you would have to turn it into a rap song to fit all those words in there. Actually, I've had a pretty good day. I ...