Sunday, April 5, 2015

Easter, depression, and closeness (or lack thereof) with God

Words from Bill Gaither's song, "Because He Lives," are pretty popular among my Facebook friends right now. "Because he lives I can face tomorrow..." Basically, if i was a believer without depression or anxiety, it would be a lovely song. It still is a lovely song, but if I were to rewrite it today, it would go more like, " 'Because He Lives,' i will drag myself out of bed tomorrow even when i won't want to. Because he lives, I'll choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other, however slowly, but i won't quit, at least not permanently. And I'm going to trust Him despite all my feelings to the contrary and even feeling mad at Him, knowing that on some unforeseeable day in the future, either here or in heaven, my depression will lift and I'll be better able to appreciate that Jesus is alive again. I think you would have to turn it into a rap song to fit all those words in there.

Actually, I've had a pretty good day. I went shopping for some supplies for my classroom. (Embarrassing story; yesterday i went to a training about how to plan better with the goal of being a better early childhood teacher, and i ended up crying. At a 3hr training/class with people i didn't even know! Talk about being overly emotional! Depression is really taking its toll... Along with the stress of trying to be a better and better teacher...) Back to today, i had a pleasant time shopping, but i ended up exhausted. And i am not willing to let myself take a nap because that could make it hard to fall asleep tonight (i took a nap yesterday and then took a long time to fall asleep last night). So I'm doing well, but exhausted.

One more subject; certain people around me talk about how hard times bring them closer to God. This is frustrating when i apply it too depression, because in my opinion, depression is a relationship inhibitor, not a relationship builder. And besides, it can give me a foggy mind. One lady tried to explain it to me, saying that when people come to the end of themselves, then they are more open to God. That makes a little sense; maybe if my life was going great, i would not be as interested in God. But i don't think that is always the case! Maybe when the depression is gone, I'll feel closer to God than i would have otherwise. For now, though, depression is clouding my mind and seems rather unhelpful. If i want depressed, i could do more. I would have more energy for teaching. I'd have more energy for helping at church...

Rabbit trail time! People don't seem to get that i need to take a break from leading music at church because of how severe my depression is. Well, maybe some do, and maybe those that don't seem to are really just wanting me to know I'm wanted. But i get the impression people are thinking, maybe if she helps lead music, her depression will get better. May i suggest that said depression might also get worse? My depression seems at least somewhat stress-related, and leading music is something i actually can say no to.

Rabbit trail over, but I've been thoroughly side-tracked. Here is wishing you a holiday with at least as glimmer of light, hope, and peace.

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