Exhausted

Well, i got a new-to-me car. And got my old car fixed. And I'm exhausted.

The car search distracted me from my regular depression and anxiety. So now that I'm done, my old, familiar thoughts slowly filter back. At first they are like going back home or getting my old car back. They are normal, and i can actually recognize my life with them around. Then they slowly shift back to being irritating. That's just depressed thinking. Or, that's just my anxiety. Which leads to my more typical weariness as opposed to the weariness of finding and bargaining for a car, a situation that i knew would bring stress to even the most mentally healthy person out there.

This morning, i got that trembly feeling that sometimes accompanies medication changes (or even taking medication late, which could be the explanation this time since i slept in). I cold hold my relaxed hand up and watch my fingers move slightly of their own accord. I find this exhausting. Maybe because i fight it, maybe because moving that much (even in tiny movements) uses up more energy.

My counselor has suggested i re-think through some stressful events and losses of my past. Do more "processing" and some grieving. Which, by the way, i tried for years after the events before slowly giving up on the idea. Somehow, i could never quite resolve the issues, at least not permanently. Thinking back didn't seem to help enough to be worth it. And even when i asked "professionals" how to "get over it," they didn't know. Maybe because it is more of a process than an accomplishment.

Of course, there is also the issue of my deeper depression bouts overshadowing it both in immediacy and in depth of pain.

So who knows. I usually prefer more cognitive therapy that doesn't depend on remembering and "dealing with" the past. But it is pretty undeniable that many past still influences my present. Just watch me freak out at church some Sunday (which actually hasn't happened as much lately, not to mention the fact that I'm pretty sure i hide it pretty well) and you'll know my past still effects my present. So maybe this time, visiting the past will help. If not, well, at least i can amuse myself by retelling stories from my past (even sad ones usually have an entertaining side).