Sunday, April 12, 2015

car trouble

I'm waiting to feel hungry for supper, but i keep eating more Easter candy. Somehow i think I'm working against myself here.

The latest SNRI might possibly be working. It for sure seems to make me tired and more able to fall asleep.

And then there is the monkey wrench. My dear old car broke. To the unsafe-to-drive point. To the point where the mechanic and my brother-in-law both suggest i begin looking for a new car.

Now, my car is a very important part of my normal. It gives me the freedom to leave my apartment whenever i choose. It carries a collection of items that i either never brought into my apartment or that i intentionally keep in my car in case i need them while I'm out.

But I'm looking to replace my car now. So part of me wants to search for this car with the tenacity of an obsessive compulsion.and another part of me wants to forget about it (avoidance, anyone?). And instead, I'm trying to strike a balance between searching for a car and giving myself time to relax and unwind.

It really messed with my plans for this weekend; i was going to spend it feeling slightly miserable from medication dose increase side effects. But all the stress associated with finding a newer car has really blurred the lines between side effects and stress effects.

And then, i didn't go to church tonight. I went this morning, first to church, then to bible study (it was afternoon by then). But tonight? I wanted to sit on my couch and search for cars and then take it easy. So i did.

And you want to guess what the critical part of me thinks of that? Well, maybe i would have had a very encouraging conversation if i had gone to church this evening, and now I'm out an encouraging conversation. Maybe work will be harder tomorrow because i didn't go to church tonight. And maybe I'll be extra stressed out this week because i looked for cars on Sunday. And maybe...

Maybe I'm running out of reasonable unpleasant consequences for how i spent my Sunday.

My thoughts are dancing on the fence between catastrophizing and chilling out. Maybe i shouldn't make such a big deal out of how i spend my Sunday and my money (i.e. trying to make the most responsible car choice with my money, particularly trying to avoid any possibly sinful choices, like borrowing money to get a good car, which I'm pretty sure is not a sin, but what if it is?)

P.S. My scrupulosity begs you to offer me reassurance, so please don't.

P.P.S. Maybe it isn't scrupulosity. Maybe i just have trouble believing anything different from things i picked up as a kid. Nonetheless, reassurance isn't likely to help either situation.

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