unreasonably rational

Happy Thursday. So, I've worked 4 days in a row for the first time since before Labor Day! (okay, so that's really only two weeks of working 2 days each). I did it! And I expect to work tomorrow, which will put me back to working normally (though I'm more tired than normal). Actually, I worked late some of these 4 days, so that's even more minutes for my time sheet. Now I should tackle eating and being sociable for a little, and then I can rest until tomorrow. Pets can be antidepressants, but even they have side effects. Possibly I am allergic to my guinnea pig. Possibly he'll die. Am I feeding him well enough? Am I giving him enough fresh water? (He's not reliably drinking from the water bottle yet.) Did I waste my money on him? Should I have not spent that much money getting set up to care for him? Etc. But I still like him and am glad I got him. I guess I'd say he's a good antidepressant and he is an exposure (or multiple exposures) for OCD.

Stress w/ work. Well ANYONE would be stressed by that. Stress w/another area of my life. Yes, I have a wonderful, amazing, and irritating brain. Stress relief with Friedrik the guinnea pig. He's eating again, which is a relief. But still scared. And in my normal tradition, I rename him with nick-names. Goofy is one of my standard nicknames. Piggywiggy is more specific to guinnea pigs. Stress relief with my doll house. It's looking better! Tomorrow I go back to work and then see my counselor. Today I am hungry, but it's 2 o'clock and I only at snacks, not yet lunch. So I guess that's fine.

Got a guinnea pig and two days off work. The doctor said I shouldn't be too hard on myself for being tired after coming out of the hospital. Friedrik/fredrick/freddy/fred, but spelled Friedrik. :) He's about 3 months old, and my landlord gave me permission to have a guinnea pig, so I got one within a few hours from hearing that.

Uh, yeah. So.... Oh, the present. It's easier to talk about sometimes. I seem to have drank borderline spoiling milk today and/or food with too much spice. At work. Because I seem to have a VERY picky stomach for milk (I like it, but it can still be reasonably good and leave me feeling sick). My solution to this problem is to not eat for several hours. This seems the shortest road to recovery, though it is a bit of a pain when I already was falling on the eating too little side. But the past is fascinating. Especially mixed with the present. Like the fact that I have 43 unread messages for my main e-mail address (I glanced over the titles/senders and it just didn't seem worth the effort for the moment). My good time last Saturday that I posted (a week and a half ago) didn't last long. At all. Like, 5 or 7 hours. Then I returned to being exceedingly depressed etc. The OCD liked to say, "you're gonna die" about things like eating the fruity gummy snacks that I l...

Okay, so I didn't convince myself to actually give up on my sleeping-as-late-as-I-can plan until I had slept in AND had come up with an idea for how to do the roofing on my dollhouse (read "intentional hobby to help the depression"). Then I ate -would you believe it, contrary to my anxiety at the grocery store a few weeks ago at the mere thought of eating something besides raisin bran for breakfast, that today I finished my raisin bran (as in, the bag is empty now) and ate a different kind of cereal for the main substance of my breakfast! And it tasted good - well, good enough. I won't die, contrary to OCD's suggestion. Well, then again, who knows what dangers I am yet to encounter today! We shouldn't be too presumptuous. And the spell-checker said I spelled that right. It wasn't okay with "OCD's". Suggestion was fine, so it seems that the spell checker doesn't like OCD, which is silly since OCD probably gives it more business. Now if I...

Wanting to write. I guess that's a good thing. :) Shall I write of the irony of medication? First, I suspect I am not abnormal in not going in to get medication until I was feeling like I couldn't handle it without medication. It being depression and/or anxiety and/or OCD. I came to this conclusion in part based on the fact that I was having trouble eating and sleeping. That is in itself depressing. So I get the medication, but I'm afraid of it, thanks at least in part to the OCD. So I took it, but worried about side-effects etc (and just plain dying because I took the medication. My OCD likes the simple "If _____, then I will die" formula. It can be used for any situation). So the first irony of medication for OCD is that we don't get them until we need them but it takes a couple weeks for them to start working. The second is that my OCD was afraid of taking medication and the medication wouldn't help that until a few weeks after I started taking medica...

I cleaned the bathroom. Well, really just part of it; I skipped some in the interest of saving time for the moment and being lazy for the moment. But as I cleaned, my brain had this rhythm going on. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." Interspersed with the counselor recommended, "Maybe yes, maybe no." This, she said, at least gave two possibilities instead of just the one extreme and unlikely fear. How exactly I progressed from fear of contaminating others to my death I'm not sure. I was going to get a fatal disease, pass it on, and then die. Despite the probability of that occuring being relatively close to 0. Maybe even zero, but then again, I can't be too sure about that. Other than that, I've taken up a great interest in Sudoku. And I'm pretty good at word searches. I skip the cross-word puzzles. Having a good vocabulary does not equal cross-word puzzling skill.