unreasonably rational

Well, the holidays are here! My dad likes to have everybody share new year's resolutions or goals for the new year and thanksgivings ( or how we did on last year's goals). And i dread it. So i thought i'd go ahead and get the sarcastic version out of the way and hope I'm feeling better when the real day comes. Thanksgivings: I'm thankful that I'm alive - no, wait, maybe not. I'm thankful for psych meds. I just wish the ones i take would work better. I'm truly thankful that the latest medication doesn't have me lying in bed afraid I'll throw up. There! Look at that! A real whole-hearted thanksgiving! Now if only psych med conversations weren't a bit on the taboo side. But that's why I'm writing here, so i can be free of such restrictions. Goals... "Stay alive" is the one my counselor mentioned when guessing what my goals might be. Well, i was kind of in more than a bad mood, so i wasn't sure i agreed even with that. Bu...

Well, i tried the new antidepressant and i felt sick. Like bad enough i didn't want to take it again and have to work the next day. So this week, just reminding myself that I'm currently free of those side effects is enough to make me a bit happier. But i called my psychiatrist-for-now. It took him over 48 hours to call back, but he did. And he was nice. Somehow, people surprising me by how nice and understanding they are can leave me feeling almost like crying. He said if he were me, he wouldn't want to try the medication again. (He also said that medication was my last great option - if it didn't work, we have other combinations to try, so not hopeless, but as "the last great option", it would make sense to try to put up with moderate side effects. I'm not sure how disturbed i should be by that comment, so i think I'll just chalk it down as an intriguing observation.) He basically said he would respect whatever choice i made, whether to try the med...

The lady who said it even knew that looks ( sounds) aren't always accurate. But apparently i "sound good." Probably because sleepiness and cheerful sarcasm make me sound much more stable than i feel. But inside, i could cry. Except that would be too much work and emotional work. I'm... So tired. I'm physically tired. And I'm fed up with this depression stuff. I'm at the point where i feel like I'm not okay (i.e. depressed) and that's the way it's going to stay until we find a good medication combination. Okay?! Which underplays the role of therapy (but i felt like my therapist was mostly just putting in time to get me through to feeling better and then we'll do more "real" therapy work). It even underplays the chances of spontaneous recovery, seeing as depression tends to get better on its o own at some point, even if only temporarily. I'm frustrated that the new psychiatrist i saw is the stereotypical psychiatrist, not in...

I think night time is hard because it signals the end of the day, the conclusion remaining in inconclusion. The problem - whatever it is - still isn't solved. Instead, I'm still depressed, despite my strangely recurring hope that it will be gone. This depression remains, and will most likely still be with me in the morning. I get to look forward to another day with depression, and that is depressing. Well, maybe that's it. I keep trying to figure it out. Meanwhile, I'd better eat and go to sleep, since sleep can make tomorrow a little better.

So I'm back in the insert-the-worst-word-you-are-willing-to-say-out-loud-here place where i wait to find a successful medication mixture with which i can attain reasonable health. The key word, of course, being "wait." This is the lesser known waiting period that happens over and over again between starting a medication and waiting to see what will happen, and if nothing too terrible happens, then you raise the dose again and wait to see what happens. I've been in this state for over a year since the last successful medication mix. Hopefully that means that within the next two years we can find the next successful mix. That is indeed hopeful, except when the psychological pain gets to me and I've had enough. Then is that sobering moment when i realize that modern medicine... really can't do much until the correct med mix at the correct dose kicks in. Well, maybe they can, but they aren't really fond of using the quick-acting anti-anxiety medications that ...

On the positive, i got a new job. On the negative, change is still hard. Oh, and shall we mention the new theater for ocd and anxiety to perform in? I'm now a teacher's aid at a child care center. This means cleaning . Just me cleaning. When I'm around others, it is easier to prioritise ocd into the background. But just me and the room to be cleaned? I'd like to say i haven't done badly, but am reminded of when i was a kid and timed how long it took me to wash one plastic mug. Drum roll please! Doing my best to pay attention and work at a good pace (my mom attributed my slowness to me daydreaming), it took me five minutes to wash a plastic mug. Well, i wash dishes faster nowadays. (At least 5 minutes per mug is an easy record to surpass.) Lately i think indecision has slowed me down more at work. To vacuum first or mop or wash dishes or clean the bathroom or take out the garbage. All this with a breath-taking fear of making the wrong choice. Why do i care which...

My previous job ended suddenly, without warning. They wanted someone else to teach my class, so after work Friday, i was informed and handed my final paycheck. This happens, of course, two days after raising the dose of my antidepressant. This poor antidepressant is getting a pretty rough test; needing a new car, friend passing away, pet needing put to sleep, bronchitis, psychiatrist preparing to retire, and now unexpected job loss. But let's try my "cursed" summer another way. I got a nice, newer car. My friend went to be with Jesus. I got 2 new guinea pigs. I mostly recovered my health after bronchitis, and now I have the opportunity for a change of work. OCD makes for an interesting job search companion: "How about this job?" "No, you don't want that job. You might not be able to handle it. It's safer just not to apply." "Okay, I'll keep reading. How about a job in food prep?" "You're crazy, lady. We don't ...