Wednesday, December 23, 2015

New year's resolutions when you are very depressed

Well, the holidays are here! My dad likes to have everybody share new year's resolutions or goals for the new year and thanksgivings ( or how we did on last year's goals).

And i dread it. So i thought i'd go ahead and get the sarcastic version out of the way and hope I'm feeling better when the real day comes.

Thanksgivings: I'm thankful that I'm alive - no, wait, maybe not. I'm thankful for psych meds. I just wish the ones i take would work better. I'm truly thankful that the latest medication doesn't have me lying in bed afraid I'll throw up. There! Look at that! A real whole-hearted thanksgiving! Now if only psych med conversations weren't a bit on the taboo side. But that's why I'm writing here, so i can be free of such restrictions.

Goals... "Stay alive" is the one my counselor mentioned when guessing what my goals might be. Well, i was kind of in more than a bad mood, so i wasn't sure i agreed even with that. But staying alive really is my goal, even though i don't always think i want it. My goal is to beat this depression and steel my life back from it.

It's been an exhausting week. News of changes at work were the last straw for my already disintegrating mental health (i was already having trouble eating and sleeping). I was on less serotonin- increasing medication than i have been for probably about five years ( maybe excepting last spring), with no appointment to see a psychiatrist or nurse practitioner for another three weeks.

I tried out the new mental health crisis center in my area. They were nice but i had to push to get the help i needed. And I'm not so good at pushing for services anyway, let alone when my mental world feels like it's in jeopardy. But one nurse was particularly helpful, so melting into tears was a sufficient way to get help after i had progressed to the part where they let their clients sleep or read or do puzzles or whatever. She helped me come up with a plan to try to get into the doctor the next day.

I didn't see the doctor i wanted to see, but i did see someone, who prescribed another antidepressant. This antidepressant may or may not work, but at least there is a chance that it will work.  I needed that chance, that but of hope, to start right away. (i took the day off work to try to see a doctor despite not having an appointment.)

Today, i was back at work. I did okay, but one of my co-workers could easily see i wasn't back to normal. In a way that is nice, because they can see I'm not faking my illness. But it was a bit disconcerting to feel myself being less put-together and having less energy than normal. Even feeling a bit sick, probably just from being so worn out.

Oh, and the psychiatrist i saw said if i gained more than five pounds on this new medication then i should quit it. Only five pounds! At Christmas time! When I'm trying to get past lack of appetite from depression which basically means i have to force myself to eat. And when i have to make myself eat, it is hard to know how much to eat! So i could gain weight because I'm not sure how hungry i am, unrelated to med side effects! I'm wondering if being slender is important to this doctor, more important to him than to me. I'd rather gain weight than stay at yesterday's level of depression. ( I'm trying to avoid checking how depressed i am today because I'm afraid it would be the opposite of helpful to think about it.)

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