Thursday, December 3, 2015

"You sound good."

The lady who said it even knew that looks ( sounds) aren't always accurate. But apparently i "sound good." Probably because sleepiness and cheerful sarcasm make me sound much more stable than i feel.

But inside, i could cry. Except that would be too much work and emotional work.

I'm... So tired. I'm physically tired. And I'm fed up with this depression stuff. I'm at the point where i feel like I'm not okay (i.e. depressed) and that's the way it's going to stay until we find a good medication combination. Okay?!

Which underplays the role of therapy (but i felt like my therapist was mostly just putting in time to get me through to feeling better and then we'll do more "real" therapy work). It even underplays the chances of spontaneous recovery, seeing as depression tends to get better on its o own at some point, even if only temporarily.

I'm frustrated that the new psychiatrist i saw is the stereotypical psychiatrist, not in a particularly good way, and I'm not the only one who thinks that. I'm frustrated because it's sounding like the office is closing at which i saw the retired psychiatrist as well as the new- to- me stereotypical psychiatrist.

I'm frustrated because i want to be well already. Like last year!

And because I'm having budget/money trouble, but I'm a bit afraid of calling this guy who gives free budget counseling, because i heard him talk once, and he talked about identifying needs versus wants, and I'm afraid he's going to call some things wants that are actually pretty important to my mental health. And I'm afraid the budget will be too intimidating, and instead of absorbing the stress and keeping going, I'll have the "I'm depressed and i didn't want to be here anyway" response, adding fuel to my already depressed thinking. Moderate to severe depression might not be the best time to work on budgeting. But then again, if i wait until I'm "healthy," how deep in debt will i be by then?

And i keep wanting to go to bed happy. Now the tears have truly started. I don't want to go to sleep feeling like this. So i keep staying up late. Which leaves me even more tired in the morning.

So i just want to go to that crises center about to open locally, or to a good psychiatrist. Or even to my friend, but it's so hard to say this to a friend outside of a support group; I'm exhausted. I (presume I) look like I'm handling things, but I'm not. I'm exhausted. I don't want to have to keep holding it together. I want something to change. I hate not wanting to be alive. It's exhausting. It's not right. There is a better life out there, and i want it. Can't i just pull the depression out and kill it and get on with my life?

Thanks for listening.


  1. My heart is hurting for you. Hold onto hope; it will get better. Praying for you!

  2. Oh Abigail, I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. You are such a brave woman, and I just know you will get through this. I wonder if it would be helpful for you to come right out to your therapist and describe in this same way how you are feeling? Sending hugs, friend.

    1. Thank you. I read the post to my therapist and then keep worrying that I've offended or discouraged her... Anxiety is such a faithful companion.

      But anyway, she suggested EMDR again, which would require a different therapist since she has not been trained in EMDR... Of course, she is willing to keep seeing me before, during, or after that (as well as if i don't go that route). I don't know yet what I'll do.