Overwhelmed with the good and the sad

Well, i tried the new antidepressant and i felt sick. Like bad enough i didn't want to take it again and have to work the next day.

So this week, just reminding myself that I'm currently free of those side effects is enough to make me a bit happier.

But i called my psychiatrist-for-now. It took him over 48 hours to call back, but he did. And he was nice. Somehow, people surprising me by how nice and understanding they are can leave me feeling almost like crying. He said if he were me, he wouldn't want to try the medication again. (He also said that medication was my last great option - if it didn't work, we have other combinations to try, so not hopeless, but as "the last great option", it would make sense to try to put up with moderate side effects. I'm not sure how disturbed i should be by that comment, so i think I'll just chalk it down as an intriguing observation.) He basically said he would respect whatever choice i made, whether to try the medication again or give up. He also told me i could open the capsule, mix it with applesauce, and take half of a dose; a possibility i was not aware of.

And he told me to maintain my current dose of the medication I'm trying to get off until my dizzy flashes go all the way away. I'm afraid that could take a while. But at least that will relieve me of needing to change both doses this weekend. Well, it's an acceptable weekend for feeling sick ( if there is such a thing), so I'm planning to give the new medication another try this weekend.

And maybe this psychiatrist isn't as bad of a fit as i thought. Which is a bit of a problem because i had decided to try another doctor but now I'm having second thoughts. Maybe this psychiatrist is fine after all. So now i have another choice to make, which is really annoying. I don't like the pressure of trying to make the right choice. And i have to make the choice early enough to get the time off work needed for the appointment.

Of course, right now I'm exhausted anyway, so a kind voice answering part of my medicating predicament is very highly valued and the details that will play in to my future decisions are scattered and possibly out of proportion.

And all this after my counseling appointment, the one where i feel a bit despairing of the possibility of therapy helping much right now. The one when my therapist brings up the EMDR topic again - something I'd have to see another therapist for. One where I'm torn between appreciation of the support i do receive and discouragement for lack of progress - especially when it seems like she's also seeing how deep in depression i still am.

Well, I'd better fold a few clothes and head for bed. Tomorrow comes very early.

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