Wednesday, December 21, 2011

a good day gone angry

The day started out pretty good. I got some good laughing time with my little kids. Then I got told of a "better" way to run my classroom, and my mood started sliding downhill. Then I did not volunteer to help with something. I feel guilty about it, but also angry. Angry that something is wanted from me that I am unwilling to give. Alas, my negative emotions are having a hey day. I'm trying to not get too riled up and to wait until I see my counselor tomorrow.

Then I had a doctor's appointment. This doctor can be Doctor H, as in hemotologist. I think he's into oncology as well. Anyway, last time I saw him, he said I looked quite healthy and as long as my other blood counts were normal, they should be able to just watch me instead of needing to do a bone marrow test. So this time, I came confidently, thinking that he would deliver the great news that I was basically fine. Instead, I come in and am given a slip of stickers. I go to see the nurse, not quite sure why I'm getting more blood work done. "What are the tests?" I ask her. She replied that it was for blood tests and a bone marrow sample. "I haven't agreed to that," I said. I didn't care if she took my blood; that has happened many times and is relatively painless. But the other? They didn't even talk to me about that! So then I got to skip the labs and read my book. Fine. Then blah blah borring as they check my weight and all that normal you-just-entered-a-doctor's-office stuff. Then I read more. Then I gave in to my tiredness (I just got back yesterday evening from being two plane rides away, visiting my sister for a week) and started taking a nap. The door was open, so the medical people could see me when they walked by. I thought about closing it, but the doctor came first. I think that taking a nap in the exam room in a chair might possibly be a way to encourage the doctor to make time on this "not busy" day to talk to me for three minutes. Three minutes! Why do I have to wait twenty minutes so that the doctor can give me three minutes. And why do I have to pay thirty five dollars for a copay to have him talk to me for three minutes and say that since all the tests except for my hemaglobin count look great, so we better check the bone marrow to see if something dangerous is going on.

I did argue a little bit. And I for sure didn't agree. Anyway, I protested that he'd said that if everything else came back fine, then they could just watch me instead of checking my bone marrow. He said, "but I told you we might have to check your bone marrow" (he did, more or less, but he said if the other things were fine, I shouldn't need one). He wisely offered me the option of thinking about it. He didn't offer the option of fleeing to the ends of the earth and never returning. He wants me to have another appointment with the regular doctor whome he is covering for. In a month. He asked me if I wanted it sooner. I considered asking what my risk of serious need for fast medical action was, but I held my tongue (if I said that, it might imply that I agreed with him). So I settled for no sooner, just about a month. And then he dismissed me and I didn't even talk to the receptionist to pay my co-pay early before they sent me a bill. I did smile at her, though, since my mood wasn't her fault.

Just now I did a slight bit of internet research, but I ended up giving it up. I'm in too bad of a mood to be reseptive right now. And I still don't want them to test my bone marrow. I still feel lied to. I still think the stupid thing is ironic. Today he tells me that BECAUSE it all came back normal, now they have nothing to blame the anemia on, so he thinks I should be conserned enough to get this test. BECAUSE this time the tests showed that my blood wasn't eating itself as if it was a flu virus, now we should be concerned. I thought it would be more concerning if my blood was eating itself like a flu virus.

The moral of the story is.... I don't know. Oh, well. Surely my anger will not last forever.

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