- My depression at its best (each day, then averaged per week) is getting better.
- My depression at its worst (each day, then averaged per week) is getting worse.
- My anxiety is getting worse.
- My sleep time is increasing.
- My exercise time is decreasing.
So then I'm left with feeling low about how my mood is getting worse over all instead of better. That isn't right! I should be feeling better. I don't have as much suicidal ideation as I did prior to my current medication selection (which started over a year ago, though with some dosage change). But stress keeps coming up. I wonder if I just always push myself to my stress limit (and when I don't, circumstances come in to help me stress more). For example, this winter. Stress at work, stress starting a new semester. Stress about one group project part A. Stress about the other group project. Stress about the first group project part B. Stress about needing a new job. Stress about... Well, I've tabled the new job issue. I'm scheduled for 4 days a week right now, and really, three day weekends are helpful (except for the lack of income). So that issue is off. So why am I blue now? Oh, the clouds and my sad charting discovery. And my messy house. And the fact that it feels like work to exist again. No, now I'm talking about depression, not outside stressors. Change, change, change. Oh, family time. That can be a stressor, even when things go well.
Now, I'm actually hungry, because I didn't eat enough for lunch. So my thinking is a little extra clouded. And the sky is cloudy, so I need to go home and sit by my therapy light. Maybe that will help.
Anyway, I see my psychiatrist Wednesday, so I get extra introspective leading up to that because I want to be able to give him an accurate picture of how I'm doing (and yes, I know OCD may see that as an open invitation to apply perfectionistic doubts to my brain).
I feel frustrated, too, because my mood is all over the place. I get some good news and I'm SO, SO, SO relieved. A little later, something bothers me, and the worse depressed thinking pops in for a quick moment. But I might be happy a little later and sad a little later, and blah a little later, and confused a little later. Welcome to my merry-go-round.
Oh, and my charting mentioned up above? My mood also does this scalloped thing where it rises to a peak, swoops down and then rises again, like a sketch of the ocean. That is one reason that I don't feel like I'm that depressed. The worst stuff doesn't last forever. None-the-less, according to my charts, the ocean is crooked, with an over-all trend going up for my worse depression and anxiety, down for my better depression, and I already told you that information.
Well, happy Sunday. Really. I think mine will be okay, too, because I plan to go home and sit on my couch and watch dvds. I think I can handle that and even enjoy it.