Thursday, January 12, 2012


I keep trying to take the final exam for a class so that (if I pass with an A or a B) I can move on to the next class. However, it keeps not letting me take it. Some kind of mistake is permitting me to take the wrong exam and not the final one.

So instead, I have the pleasure of listening to a lecture. I have this whole rule about either reading or listening to the lectures but not both. Well, in this class, my guess is that the lectures are what will get me good grades, which cuts down on the reading end. However, the lecturer likes to repeat himself. I know that this is good teaching practice and that it is expected that we will not only need to listen to his repeated (with variations) instructions but also need to read and review written material saying the same basic thing (as in, more reading than just the slides that are viewed during the lecture. Unfortunately, I can usually understand the first time through, so about a third of the lecture is interesting. I really don't remember how the last professor of a similar class kept me interested, but I really enjoyed his lectures. I'm sure that it helped that most (if not all) of the lectures were much shorter than this 75 minute lecture (that I have already divided into at least two sittings).

Blah, blah, how boring. This is supposed to be waking me up so that I can go back to the lecture and pay better attention.

But I'm really sleepy. I called various phone numbers to try to fix a bill for something that didn't happen. And then I cried about how I was upset about how I was treated my last visit (relating to my anemia, not psych issues). And then I went to my counseling appointment. And then I wasn't as put together as I'd planned to be, instead being ready to cry again. What is going on with my depression? I finally become confident enough of the more mild status of my depression to actually announce it on my blog and in a support group, and then I slide down hill.

And then my counselor goes into her warning about self-fulfilling prophecies about a bad day actually meaning all the depression is coming back (or some of it is coming back and not going away any time soon). And my subconcious interpretor informs me, your counselor thinks you are just making this whole increased depression episode up. And then it takes time and just the right flow of conversation for me to even realize that my subconcious interpretor is being such a jerk (I don't think my counselor ever would have guessed that interpretation). So, after trying to convince myself that my past six days of increased depression were just the result of a simple mistaken thought and weren't actually truly expressions of worsened depression, I finally permit myself to accept the fact that the milder depression has been moving up to a more moderate state (still not severe, which is very, very, very nice).

And the modified plan is... what I'd been trying to do anyway; increase my hours of sleep and smooth out my sleeping schedule more. Because when we were finally speaking the same language, my counselor and I both thought that my irritableness was related to the increased depression. Oh, and she suggested writing/journaling to help with the irritableness.

And now I plan to forget finishing the lecture this afternoon. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold...

Happy Friday tomorrow!

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