Monday, January 23, 2012

overdid it?

The depression is making a passionate reappearence. Appearently, accepting monetary help from my parents has highly irritated it. And the whole, do I get a laptop for my sign language class or is that a terrible sin question, that's gotten some points in, too. I finally decided on the "go ahead and get it" side, which is monetarily disturbing, but might make it considerably more possible to pass the class. I hoped that deciding would stop the anxiety, but no, it continues.

It would seem that I have made some mistake, that or the meds aren't working as well as I'd hoped. I'm guessing a mistake was made, regardless of the efficacy of the meds. I'm guessing it involved taking more than two classes this semester. I'm not sure what to do now. Do I drop the extra class? I've got a few more days to consider that. Maybe that would work. Maybe not. Who knows? Decide? Make another decision? Just existing is enough work, don't you think? Can't I just go back to hybernating in my house with a book in front of my nose? At least once I'm into the book, my brain shuts up for a bit.

I hate this feeling. Depression is nasty.

The OCD is more amusing (nasty underneath, but let's stick with the amusing side for the moment). I have an essay to turn in tonight. The OCD, if not present in the perfectionism and procrastination, makes its appearance by the first paragraph. I like to start one page essays by restating the question and then stating my response. Restating is the first problem. We must use words that definately don't "plaigerize" the question (never mind that the teacher knows what the question was, so it wouldn't be a secretive copy anyway). But the words should be close enough so as not to change the meaning. But is that plaigerism, too? Um, I'm gonna say it isn't. I'm pretty sure the non-OCD part of my brain is pretty unconcerned about the whole issue.

Well, that's that. I don't feel good, but hey, what can I do about that? Exercise? Get with people (no! No, no, no. I want to read my book. Don't tell me that is isolating. I don't care! No, I do care! But its just too hard to get out with people. It doesn't seem worth it. I'm writing on my blog, doesn't that count?) Blah, blah, blah. I think I'll go back to that essay and finish it up.


  1. Abigail, I'm glad I found your blog. I can relate so much to what you write.

    I have been on a lot of different meds, too, and I have definitely changed more for my depression than for the OCD.

    I don't know if my body chemistry changes, or what, but it seems like there is no "magic" medicine that takes all my pain away, forever, amen. That scares me, sometimes. I hope the combo I'm on now will continue to work well.

    I have never been real even with the depression. I am nowhere near as depressed now as I have been during different periods of my life, but it's there, around the edges. And some days or weeks, I feel its presence more. Most of the time I don't know why. A change in body chemistry? Life circumstances? I don't know.

    I, too, have had lots of issues with religion and OCD and even with depression. I have written a little about it, but will probably write more about it.

    I hope the depression does not get worse. And keep on writing. I like your funny and irreverent comments. And you write with a lot of honesty and heart. I look forward to reading more!

    1. Thanks for your encouraging comments. The depression has improved somewhat for the moment. And now I know I'm not the only with depression that increases and decreases and continues to be unpredictable. And yes, the depression and religion stuff can be trouble, too. Like rejoicing while I'm in a deep dark hole? Oh, well. I don't have to understand everything

  2. Hi Abigail. I'm sorry your struggling with decisions right now. Well, I guess decisions are always tough in the face of OCD, aren't they? You know, the only thing you can do is make the best decision you know how to and then try not to beat yourself up about it. Sometimes we make good choices and sometimes bad but you just have to do the best that you can at the time.

    I get the whole plagiarize fear. It tormented me in college. I would kill myself to try to avoid it and I still never really knew if I did a good enough job of it. I do know that I saw other student papers and I can tell you they tried a lot less hard than I did and from I could tell, they never got in trouble for it! Good luck.

    1. Hey, I finally almost understood someone telling me to do my best! Wow. When you said it, I actually felt a bit releived instead of like "best" was an impossible and threatening standard. You're right; I'll make a decision and it might turn out "badly" or "great" but I can't predict that right now

  3. I hear ya about the depression and not wanting people to tell you that you are isolating because you are in a place where you don't care. I so hear you!

  4. I had the 'thou shalt not plagerize' concern in college too. I 'solved' it by quoting everyone for almost everything. And then referencing it. So i don't think i had too many original thots in some of my classes. Maybe that affected the marks i got, too. I hate scrupulosity. It's a pain in the butt. When i stopped being religious most of it went away. At least all of the ones attached to my religion. And the others toned down a bit, the morality ones that aren't specific religion-oriented. But when i went to university i had no idea i had ocd. I just didn't want to feel guilty or worse get reemed out in front of the school for plagerizing. I would sit in a corner seat for my exams if i could, so i had a place to stare at, where it wouldn't look like i was trying to cheat.

    I too know how it feels to want to stay holed up in the house with a book and everyone else far, far away! I just remember pushing myself a lot to get homework done, go to class etc.

    Every day is one day closer to graduation!

    1. I like that thought, "Every day is one day closer to graduation!" I should remember that!

      And one time I put in a million references, and my mom said I put in too many (I was homeschooled), which was sad, because the foot notes actually filled up part of the assigned paper space. I think the time before that I had put in too few references or did them wrong or something... and then I overcorrected. That was before I knew about OCD.